The Seitanic* Verses - Cooking Gluten Fajitas

*10 points if you got the Rushdie reference, dawg. If you didn't, lemme throw some knowledge at your bitch ass.

I apologize for the 9 month hiatus, guys, but shit got sort of fucked up in these last few months and it only just started to improve. I'm not dwelling on my emo bullshit. Suffice it to say I'm now happily married and have 3 wonderful jobs I love.

Anyway, I'm deviating from the standard, cholesterol-laden fare I so love to feature here to introduce you to some weird as fuck vegan food: Seitan. Most people (or at least, most people I know) have never heard of it, and nearly gag when they see it come out of a can.

And this is AFTER the food stylist

Also known as "mock duck", you can find different varieties of it in specialty asian food stores, be it canned or vacuum-packed. It's essentially wheat gluten, clumped up in rubbery, spongy nuggets of vegetarian misery flavored with all kinds of spices that ultimately make it taste nothing like meat or duck or actually food.

That is, unless you get off your lazy ass and make some from scratch. In that case, it's awesome (Obviously, not bacon awesome, but pretty damned good for something vegetarian.). Over the course of the last few years, our social circle has diversified to include vegetarians, vegans, celiacs and keto-ers, so I've taken the plunge into uncharted seas and found some tasty shit on the way.

Start with 1 kg of plain, all purpose flour, unsifted. Mix it with about 2.2 cups of cold water in an electric mixer. Make sure your mixer can take it, because this thing will turn into a rubbery clusterfuck in a few minutes. Turn it out to a counter and knead for a few minutes.

Some people season the dough when mixing, but I find it completely unnecessary

Dump it into a bowl and cover it completely with cold tap water, then let it rest overnight. The initial beating and kneading will start gluten release, while the overnight soaking will hidrate the starches in the flour and make them soluble enough to be washed away.

The next day, knead lightly again over a cheesecloth-lined collander and start rubbing it between your palms as you hold it under running water. Keep doing this until the water runs mostly clear, about 10 minutes. This will wash away most of the starches and leave you with mostly pure wheat protein. It will look disgusting and will not be edible. Also, you will be left with roughly half of the initial volume. Right now you can submerge this dough in heavily salted water and will keep in your fridge for about a week.

When you're ready to eat, break your raw seitan into 4 or 6 pieces and boil it for an hour on medium heat in vegetable stock. In this case, it's just water with a splash of soy sauce, a lot of minced garlic and some powdered ginger. The seitan sponges will expand and absorb some of the liquid, so make sure there's plenty of room for them in your pot.

Once cooked, let them cool completely and slice to desired size (or not. I mean, who the fuck am I to tell you what to do?) . Now you're ready to cook them however you please.

In this case, I made a simple stir-fry with whatever I could find in my fridge. Onions, celery, mushrooms and tomatoes. The sauce was 2 Tbsps soy sauce, 2 Tbsps white vinegar, 4 Tbsps sugar and 1 Tbsp cornstarch diluted in 4 Tbsps cold water.

Printer-Friendly Version:
Seitan (Wheat Gluten Meat Substitute)

Serves 4

• 2.2 lbs all-purpose flour
• 2.2 cups cold water
• Vegetable stock, soy sauce and whatever condiments you feel like putting into it
• Patience, young Padawan. A lot of it.

1. Make a dough mixing the water and flour and kneading for a few minutes, it should be elastic, but not necessarily smooth.
2. Cover it completely in water and let it rest for 8 hours, undisturbed.
3. Rinse under cold water over a washcloth lined collander and gently rub between your palms until the water runs clear.
4. Form 4 dough balls and boil for 45 to 60 minutes in whatever the fuck you feel like.
5. Let cool and cook like chicken breast or something.
6. Be awesome and leave a comment, bro.

Curried Butternut Squash Soup

Versión en Español (clasificación C)

A couple of weeks ago, some friends hosted a Thanksgiving dinner. Being an atheist mexican, I found it a little odd; but I'm certainly not one to pass on the oportunity to pig the fuck out with good friends. One thing though: half of the guests were vegetarian, one of them a vegan chef.

Not being one to shy away from a challenge, either, I decided to put all those pumpkins and squashes my grampa bought to good use. This is the glorious shit that came out of my experiments:

Preheat your oven to 180°C (350°F).

You start with a large butternut squash (Cucurbita moschata). This is probably one of the best-know kinds of squash, and with good reason. The flesh has very little moisture, and the flavor is sweet and slightly nutty, with a creamy texture and a ridiculously high yield of edible pulp. They are also high in fiber, betacarotenes, vitamin E and magnesium. Take one, split it down the middle and scrape all the disgusting shit form the inside. Set aside.

These are sweet potatoes (Ipomoea batatas). They're awesome. I fucking love sweet potatoes. They're high in iron, vitamin C, carotenes, and fiber; they have a low glycemic index and they're just plain fucking delicious regardless of the application. Take 3 medium ones and poke them all over with a fork. This allows steam to escape the tough skin while roasting, otherwise they might explode inside your oven.

 Now halve 2 very large onions (Allium cepa) and wrap them in foil.

I used a large chunk of pumpkin (Cucurbita pepo var styriaca), from an even larger pumpkin used in another recipe. You can substitute for whatever other kind of pumpkin you have at hand. Rub the other vegetables with olive oil and place them on a foil-lined baking tray. Place the sqhash and pumpkin skin-side-up to prevent over-browning. Roast for 90 minutes in a moderate oven, then take out and let cool to room temperature.

Now take 6 cups of vegetable stock (celery, carrots, leeks, onions, bay leaves and peppercorns... or, you know, 6 cubes, whatever) and add the flesh of all the vegetables. Purée with an immersion blender.

 Add 3 Tbsps of indian curry powder and a lot of pepper and blend again.

I'm using 4 peppers coz I'm a douche

Now, to help emulsify the soup, add a slurry made with another 2 cups of water and 3 heaping tablespoons of cornstarch. Stir constantly over a medium high flame until thickened.

Now this is awesome on its own, but fuck it! I'm a porkophile! So I decided to use pork rinds for croutons and add a dollop of sour cream. Heaven. Adding a few drops of Sriracha will make it taste and feel like angels are having a lesbian orgy in your mouth.

Fuck. Yeah.

Printer Friendly Version:
Curried Butternut Squash Soup
Serves 12

1 large butternut squash
3 medium sweet potatoes
1 very small pumpkin
2 large onions
6 cups vegetable stock
3 Tbsps indian curry
2 cups water + 3 Tbsps cornstarch
Olive oil
Salt and pepper

Optional: Pork rinds, sour cream, Sriracha

1. Halve the onions, squash and pumpkin, rub with oil and place on a baking tray. Poke the sweet potatoes with a fork and give them the same treatment.
2. Roast the vegetables in a 350°F oven for 90 minutes, then let cool to room temperature.
3. Blend with the vegetable stock, curry powder, salt and pepper.
4. Add the slurry and heat until thickened
5. FUCKING RULE like the magnificent bastard you are.
6. Don't be a douche. Leave a comment.

Crohn, the Destroyer of Colons (Escabeche de Habanero y Rábano)

Those of you that are into history/fantasy/videogames/RPGs must be familiar with the concept of Mythical weapons having proper names. Indeed, in many cultures, weapons were attributed magical properties and sometimes, souls. From the famed Excalibur of Arthurian Legend, to the Masamune of japanese myth, to Mjölnir held by Thor, nearly every civilization with some degree of belic badassitude has at least one weapon held in such esteem.

With this in mind, I present to you CROHN!, The Destroyer of Colons!

This is a salsa so fucking awesome it straddles the line between salsa and slaw and becomes something greater. It's a neon demon of intestinal disruption so powerful, yet so seductive, your mouth will never, ever, be the same.

Strictly speaking, this is the freaky love child of an Escabeche marinade and a super hot salsa. I swear, I still haven't found a protein that doesn't agree with it. From beef, to chicken, to fish tacos... hell, even fucking deep fried tofu gets an unexpected upgrade from just a few tablespoons of this shit.

WARNING! Even this pussyfied, toned down version packs a serious punch to the sigmoid. Do not attempt if you have some intestinal condition or a congenital lack of testiclular fortitude.

This could be your colon

That said, start with as many habaneros as you can handle. I usually include 1 per person, but for this particular post, we'll use only 2. Char them on a griddle. This is called "torear", litterally meaning "pissing them off". Get them nice and chared and let them cool to room temperature.

While the chiles cool, start julienning 3 bunches of radishes.

 Follow with a large red onion, cut in mezzalunas.

Put them in a bowl with a bunch of finely chopped cilantro. You can tell by now I fucking love cilantro like a fat kid loves his pie.

Now take your pissed-off habaneros and chop them finely, seeds and all. You can tell this is gonna hurt coz I'm using a fork. Add them to the rest of the vegetables.

I mean, I watched 2 girls 1 cup while eating chocolate ice-cream, and I still respect them this much.

 

Now take 1 1/2 cups of orange juice, add 1/2 cup of white vinegar, douchebag italian sea salt to taste and 2 Tbsp of dried oregano and nuke on high for 90 seconds to dissolve the salt. Add this to the vegetables along with 2 Tbsps of whole black peppercorns. Adjust salt to taste.

The fucking Guido of Salts

Give a good stir to dissolve all the salt

 

This needs to sit in your fridge for at least 1 hour. As the onions pickle, they'll turn an unnerving shade of neon pink. As soon as they do, they're ready to eat.

Printer-Friendly version: Crohn, the Destroyer of Colons
3 bunches or radishes, jullienned (3 cups).
1 large red onion, cut to mezzaluna (2 cups).
1 bunch cilantro, finely chopped (1 cup).
As many habanero peppers as your pussy-ass intestines can handle, chared and chopped.
1 1/2 cups orange juice + 1/2 cup white vinegar (alternatively, 2 cups sour orange juice to score some serious cuban points)
2 Tbsps sea salt
2 Tbsps dried oregano
2 Tbsps whole black peppercorns

1. Place everything in a bowl, stir well.
2. Let the onions turn a decievingly adorable shade of neon pink.
3. Be fucking awesome and put it on everything.
4. Leave a comment, it's the least you can do.

  

By the way, stay tuned for next week's post, there will be an AWESOME application for Crohn