Crohn, the Destroyer of Colons (Escabeche de Habanero y Rábano)

Those of you that are into history/fantasy/videogames/RPGs must be familiar with the concept of Mythical weapons having proper names. Indeed, in many cultures, weapons were attributed magical properties and sometimes, souls. From the famed Excalibur of Arthurian Legend, to the Masamune of japanese myth, to Mjölnir held by Thor, nearly every civilization with some degree of belic badassitude has at least one weapon held in such esteem.

With this in mind, I present to you CROHN!, The Destroyer of Colons!

This is a salsa so fucking awesome it straddles the line between salsa and slaw and becomes something greater. It's a neon demon of intestinal disruption so powerful, yet so seductive, your mouth will never, ever, be the same.

Strictly speaking, this is the freaky love child of an Escabeche marinade and a super hot salsa. I swear, I still haven't found a protein that doesn't agree with it. From beef, to chicken, to fish tacos... hell, even fucking deep fried tofu gets an unexpected upgrade from just a few tablespoons of this shit.

WARNING! Even this pussyfied, toned down version packs a serious punch to the sigmoid. Do not attempt if you have some intestinal condition or a congenital lack of testiclular fortitude.

This could be your colon

That said, start with as many habaneros as you can handle. I usually include 1 per person, but for this particular post, we'll use only 2. Char them on a griddle. This is called "torear", litterally meaning "pissing them off". Get them nice and chared and let them cool to room temperature.

While the chiles cool, start julienning 3 bunches of radishes.

 Follow with a large red onion, cut in mezzalunas.

Put them in a bowl with a bunch of finely chopped cilantro. You can tell by now I fucking love cilantro like a fat kid loves his pie.

Now take your pissed-off habaneros and chop them finely, seeds and all. You can tell this is gonna hurt coz I'm using a fork. Add them to the rest of the vegetables.

I mean, I watched 2 girls 1 cup while eating chocolate ice-cream, and I still respect them this much.

 

Now take 1 1/2 cups of orange juice, add 1/2 cup of white vinegar, douchebag italian sea salt to taste and 2 Tbsp of dried oregano and nuke on high for 90 seconds to dissolve the salt. Add this to the vegetables along with 2 Tbsps of whole black peppercorns. Adjust salt to taste.

The fucking Guido of Salts

Give a good stir to dissolve all the salt

 

This needs to sit in your fridge for at least 1 hour. As the onions pickle, they'll turn an unnerving shade of neon pink. As soon as they do, they're ready to eat.

Printer-Friendly version: Crohn, the Destroyer of Colons
3 bunches or radishes, jullienned (3 cups).
1 large red onion, cut to mezzaluna (2 cups).
1 bunch cilantro, finely chopped (1 cup).
As many habanero peppers as your pussy-ass intestines can handle, chared and chopped.
1 1/2 cups orange juice + 1/2 cup white vinegar (alternatively, 2 cups sour orange juice to score some serious cuban points)
2 Tbsps sea salt
2 Tbsps dried oregano
2 Tbsps whole black peppercorns

1. Place everything in a bowl, stir well.
2. Let the onions turn a decievingly adorable shade of neon pink.
3. Be fucking awesome and put it on everything.
4. Leave a comment, it's the least you can do.

  

By the way, stay tuned for next week's post, there will be an AWESOME application for Crohn