Sweet and Spicy Roast Cornish Hen

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MOTHERFUCKEEEEERS!!!!!

One of my resolutions for this year is actually getting on my ass and shit out 52 brand new recipes, one each week (no fixed day, though) for the entirety of 2015. A daunting task, but now that it's made public, feel free to ride my ass if I don't pull through.

The inspiration for this dish came from watching Heston's Feasts. I've long been a fan and had an unhealthy mancrush on Heston Blumenthal, and his Gothic Special really stuck to me. I'm no t using any kind of blood in this recipe, but the idea of tinting everything with beet juice had been haunting me for weeks.

So, with no further ado, grab yourself 2 cornish hens. This is simply a chicken killed in its teenage years, right before it learned about porn. Gloat in the pleasure of cock-blocking and actual cock and clean them thoroughly.

Next, proceed to de-bone the poor fuckers. I won't go into much detail, because, let's face it, if you can't de-bone a bird, you have no business reading my blog. (or, if you're as persistent as you're retarded, check out Chef Jaques Pepin's absolutely bitchin' foolproof method).

Now make the marinade. This is Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer. I had seen this thing on late night infomercials all my life and only recently found it. I'm in love. This thing can juice a fucking rock, Juice two large beets, for about a cup and half of juice. Reserve half of it. Add 3 Tbsps of Sriracha and 3 Tbsps of balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper to taste (hint: a shitload of pepper) and marinate for a few hours in a ziploc bag.

While the bird marinates, prepare the filling. This is basically a simple hash made with 1 cup of chopped beets, 1/2 cup chopped carrots and 2 Tbsps chopped onion. Sal, pepper and parsley. No big deal, just fry it up til the vegetables are softened. Reserve.

As for the sauce, reduce the 3/4cup of reserved beet juice ovar a medium flame along 3/4 cup red wine and 2 Tbsps dark soy sauce until it boils down to 4 Tbsps. It should take you about 20 mins. It's a glorious, sticky shit that will make your taste buds dance with joy.

A few hours and more than a few beer later, take the birds out of the marinade and discard that shit, unless you want to die of Salmonella poisoning like a common dipshit.

Spread about 1/3 cup of steamed rice over the bird and inside the thighs, then half of the beet hash. Now close it back up and interlock the wings in some freaky MMA kind of arm lock, then flip that shit over and truss at least 3 times, starting at the knees.

Place on a baking tray and roast at 220°C / 420°F for 30 mins, then turn off the oven and let it rest for 10 more minutes inside.

To plate, drop 2 Tbsps of the beet reduction on the edge of a plate, then smear it around with the back of a spoon. Place a tiny quenelle of rice in front of it to prop up the bird and lean the hen against it. Remove the fucking kitchen twine, obviously.

 

BOOOM! Bitch!

Feed it to your victim and prepare to fornicate like a rabid tazmanian devil in heat.

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Sweet and Spicy Roast Cornish Hen
Serves 2 horny motherfuckers

2 cornish hens, rinsed, patted dry and deboned

1 1/2 cups beet juice, separated.
3 Tbsps Sriracha
3/4 cup Red Wine (whatever kind, just remember: If you can't drink it, don't fucking cook with it)
3 Tbsps Balsamic Vinegar
2 Tbsps dark Soy sauce

1 cup chopped beet
1/2 cup chopped carrots
2 Tbsps finely chopped onion
2 Tbsps finely chopped parsley
1 Tbsp corn oil
Salt and pepper

1 cup steamed white rice

1. Marinate the hens in a mixture of half the beet juice, all of the sriracha and balsamic vinegar for at least 30mins and uo to 6 hour.
2. Fry the chopped vegetables in corn oil on a very high heat until softened and browned, about 15 minutes, then add the parsley and reserve.
3. Reduce the rest of the beet juice with the red wine and soy sauce until it thickens and boils down to 4 Tbsps.
4. Stuff the hens with the steamed rice and hash, then overlap the edges and truss to close. Roast at 220°C/420°F for 30 mins, then turn off the heat and let it rest for 10 mins
5. Plate, eat. Get drunk. Bump uglies. LEAVE A FUCKING COMMENT.

Mexicanized Thai Pumpkin Custard

Fusion food makes me cringe. Seriously. You know why? Taco Bell. I fucking hate it. It's insulting and disgusting, it perpetuates stereotypes and its very existence is an affront to my ancestry. Some may argue that it's not fusion food at all, but a cheap knock-off, but I beg to differ. Fusion cuisine derives from the coalescence of different styles and techniques that ultimately leads to an uncategorizable product. 

Glen Bell (may he rot in hell) bastardized mexican food and created something that is not entirely mexican, yet not entirely american, but still pallatable to the uneducated masses.

But then again, there's creole food. The fusion of american ingredients with african and french dishes that created some of the most amazing food you'll ever taste.

And yucatecan food, amalgamating nahuatl, mayan, spanish and french cuisine into a paradoxically well-rounded but explosive cuisine. So... mixed feelings... I guess given enough time, customs will evolve from forced adaptations into entites of their own. In the meantime, however, modern approaches to fusion tend to sadly stride on the Taco Bell side of the spectrum.

This whole diatribe is my fucked-up way of apologizing to any Thai readers who might read this post and to justify the betrayal of my own beliefs for the sake of deliciousness. It's also a way to fill this post with text, because this recipe is just too damn easy.

A traditional Thai custard (Sangkhaya fak thong) is based on a similar recipe from Cambodia, that in turn can be traced back to Portugal, thanks to the influence of Maria Guyomar de Pinha on the Ayutthaya Kingdom. (HOLY FUCK, I'M GOOD!). It's essentially a flan steamed inside a pumpkin. Everybody knows that traditional asian cuisine is not big on dairy, so the milk and cream from the flan were substituted with their coconut counterparts, aromatized with pandan leaves. 

Finding pandan leaves in Mexico is about as easy as finding a coral snake in Thailand, so here's where the fusion part starts. Thai technique, mexican ingredients.

Start with a smallish Kabocha pumpkin. This one is about 12 inches in diameter. I fucking love kabochas because of their extremely low moisture content, sweet flavor and silky texture. Cut the top off and scrape out all of the innards. Rinse it down to ensure no placental membranes remain to fuck up the final presentation of the dish and set aside.

Now take 4 eggs, 1 can condensed milk, 1 can evaporated milk, 1 Tbsp powdered cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extranct and whisk until combined. You don't want to incorporate too much air into the mix, otherwise the bubbles will fuck up the final texture.

Wrap the pumpkin loosely in aluminum foil (this will be a sling to pull it out of the steamer) and pour the custard mixture into it. Now set it in a steamer and forget about it or 45 to 60 minutes. Since it's steamed, there's no way to overcook it. 

Let it cool down to room temperature before slicing (otherwise the custard will separate from the pumpkin) and serve in wedges, like a pie. 

Simple brown sugar and clove syrup

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Flan de Calabaza / Pumpkin Custard

1 medium kabocha pumpkin

1 can sweetened condensed mil

1 can evaporated milk

4 large eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 Tbsp powdered cinnamon

1. Slice the top off the pumpkin, hollow it out and wrap it loosely in foil.
2. Mix the rest of the ingredients until combined and pour into the pumpkin.
3. Steam for 45 to 60 minutes, then let cool and slice
4. Fucking rule
5. Fucking leave a fuckin comment.

Peanut Butter Cheesecake Brownies

Legend has it some old lady in the late 19th century was famous for her chocolate cakes. As time went by and her brain started rotting, fuck-ups were more and more frequent. One time, she forgot to add any leavening to her cake, resulting in a flat and dense piece of chocolate bread. As she was making this in a hurry to entertain guests, she had no choice but to serve this turd-like montrosity and bite the fucking bullet.

Turns out her guests raved about it; and, like any normal, red blooded woman, she fucking lied through her teeth and said it was intentional. The brownie was born.

The recipe has changed over the years, becoming more dense and fudge-like as time passes. Still, being essentially a piece of unleavend bread, it's a staple in every retarded cook's home. Since it's already a fucked-up chocolate cake, it is nigh impossible to fuck up a brownie (though I've seen it happen), so fat kids everywhere burn their sausage-like little fingers every afternoon making litle squares of diabetes from a box.

I say fuck boxes. My atheromas will not be composed of boxed shit. My arteries will be lined with expensive cholesterol. The excess glucose in my blood will encrust my pancreas with diamonds. If I'm going, I'm going with style.

Which is why we're fucking doing this LIVE! With SHORTENING! Trans fats extremists be fucked.

Preheat your oven to 325°F. Grease a brownie tray and set it aside.

You'll need 8 ounces of semisweet baking chocolate. Melt if over a double broiler or nuke it in 30 second intervals stirring frequently until completely liquid.

Now, good chocolate can be a rare commodity, so sometimes you need to improvise. Whenever I lack good chocolate I prefer to substitute with cocoa powder instead of buying shitty chocolate bars. It's simple: I know what goes in, I control the percentage of cocoa solids and sweetness. So to make 8 oz of baking chocolate from powder, you'll need to melt 4 Tablespoons of vegetable shortening (or oil, if you're too much of a pussy) and dissolve 12 Tablespoons of cocoa powder in it while it's still hot. Then, you will add 9 Tablespoons white sugar and whisk until silky and smooth. I like to do this by hand with a whisk because the cocoa is a very fine powder and it will fly all over the kitchen if an electric mixer is used.

Yeap, shortening. Hide yo' kids... Don't be a pussy, it's 4 Tablespoons 

Aaaah, all that warm, delicious fat

I know the math is off by about 6 Tablespoons, but trust me, 1 Tablespoon of cocoa powder weighs less than a Tablespoon of sugar. In the end, you'll be left with roughly 230g of pure chocolatey goodness. Once you're done, nuke it in 15 second intervals with a stick of butter and stir until smooth. Leave this aside to cool.

Mini Sheldon Moment Alert!

Chocolate (from the náhuatl Xocolatl: Bitter sour water, referring to the drink consumed by the aztecs) comes from the Cacao plant (Theobroma cacao). It's believed that cacao comes from the mayan kawkaw, meaning "food for the gods". Incidentally, Theobroma means the same in latin. 

Moctezuma Xocoyotzin, the last aztec emperor before the spanish conquest, had one last truly diplomatic act: He served hot chocolate to Hernan Cortez, who immediately loved the drink and repaid Moctezuma's kindness by wiping away his entire civilization.

End Mini Sheldon Moment

In a separate bowl, mix 2 whole eggs, 1/2 cup sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract until fluffy (5 mins, tops). I fucking hate the word fluffy, but there's no other adjective for this. Mix it slowly with the cooled chocolate-butter mixture. It will thicken fast.

Now add 1/2 cup all-purpouse flour and a pinch of salt and keep mixing until it resembles play-doh. Set aside.

Up to this point, you could bake this concoction and make some kick-ass brownies, but that would put you in the same level as any other fat kid with an oven. We need to kick this up a notch. We need cheesecake.

Take 1 bar (9 Oz) of cream cheese and 2/3 of a cup of your favorite peanut butter and soften them for a few seconds in the microwave oven. Beat them with 2 whole eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Stop after 5 minutes and add and 2 Tablespoons of flour and 2 Tablespoons of sour cream, beat for another 5 minutes.

On to the building: First, spread the chocolate play-doh on the mold, making sure it's even. Then slowly drop big dollops of the cream cheese mixture on it and smooth it out with a spatula. Place the mold in the middle of your oven and don't look at it for 30 to 35 mins. Take it out and let it cool to room temperature.

Depending on the shape of your mold, this recipe will yield 18 to 25 squares of chocolate-y awesomeness. Go and fucking blow those fat girl scouts out of the water.

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Peanut butter Cheesecake Brownies
yields 18

Brownies:
8 Oz semisweet baking chocolate (alternatively, 12 Tbsps cocoa powder, 9 Tbsps of sugar and 4 Tbsps of the fat of your choice)
1 (3 Oz, 90 g) stick of butter
2 large eggs
1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp salt

Peanut butter Cheesecake
1 bar cream cheese
2/3 cup peanut butter ( I use chunky, it saves me adding nuts)
2 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp salt
2 Tbsps (scant) all-purpouse flour)
2 Tbsps sour (generous) sour cream

1. Preheat your oven to 325°F. Grease a brownie mold. Line with parchment if you're insecure about your unmolding abilities.
2. Melt the chocolate and whisk with a stick of melted butter. Keep it above 90°F and never let it burn.
3. Beat the eggs, sugar, vanilla extract and salt on medium speed for 2 to 5 minutes, then pour slowly on the chocolate mixture. 
4. Add 1/2 cup of flour slowly and keep mixing until combined.
5. Soften the cream cheese and peanut butter in the microwave oven, then beat the shit out of them on high. Add the rest of the ingredients and beat for 5 minutes.
6. Spread the brownie batter on your mold, then drop big dollops of the cream cheese mixture on top.
7. Place in the middle rack of your oven, away from the walls, and bake, undisturbed, for 30 minutes.
8. Let cool until just warm and cut.
9. Fucking rule whatever it is that need ruling.
10. Show some respect and leave a comment, you ungrateful fuck.