tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36506616835897105262024-03-05T03:28:17.203-08:00Shut Up and EatRated R for dick-exploding awesomeness and a quite grandiose usage of the english languageAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-19284788674728148732015-01-04T18:40:00.000-08:002015-01-04T18:40:21.257-08:00Sweet and Spicy Roast Cornish HenHAPPY NEW YEAR, MOTHERFUCKEEEEERS!!!!!<br />
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One of my resolutions for this year is actually getting on my ass and shit out 52 brand new recipes, one each week (no fixed day, though) for the entirety of 2015. A daunting task, but now that it's made public, feel free to ride my ass if I don't pull through.<br />
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The inspiration for this dish came from watching <a href="http://www.wikiwand.com/en/Heston%27s_Feasts" target="_blank">Heston's Feasts</a>. I've long been a fan and had an unhealthy mancrush on Heston Blumenthal, and his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XGgwEXhCgM" target="_blank">Gothic Special</a> really stuck to me. I'm no t using any kind of blood in this recipe, but the idea of tinting everything with beet juice had been haunting me for weeks.<br />
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So, with no further ado, grab yourself 2 <a href="http://www.wikiwand.com/en/Cornish_game_hen" target="_blank">cornish hens</a>. This is simply a chicken killed in its teenage years, right before it learned about porn. Gloat in the pleasure of cock-blocking and actual cock and clean them thoroughly.<br />
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Next, proceed to de-bone the poor fuckers. I won't go into much detail, because, let's face it, if you can't de-bone a bird, you have no business reading my blog. (or, if you're as persistent as you're retarded, check out Chef Jaques Pepin's absolutely <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAekQ5fzfGM" target="_blank">bitchin' foolproof method</a>).<br />
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Now make the marinade. This is Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer. I had seen this thing on late night infomercials all my life and only recently found it. I'm in love. This thing can juice a fucking rock, Juice two large beets, for about a cup and half of juice. Reserve half of it. Add 3 Tbsps of Sriracha and 3 Tbsps of balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper to taste (hint: a shitload of pepper) and marinate for a few hours in a ziploc bag.<br />
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While the bird marinates, prepare the filling. This is basically a simple hash made with 1 cup of chopped beets, 1/2 cup chopped carrots and 2 Tbsps chopped onion. Sal, pepper and parsley. No big deal, just fry it up til the vegetables are softened. Reserve.<br />
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As for the sauce, reduce the 3/4cup of reserved beet juice ovar a medium flame along 3/4 cup red wine and 2 Tbsps dark soy sauce until it boils down to 4 Tbsps. It should take you about 20 mins. It's a glorious, sticky shit that will make your taste buds dance with joy.<br />
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A few hours and more than a few beer later, take the birds out of the marinade and discard that shit, unless you want to die of <a href="http://www.wikiwand.com/en/Salmonella" target="_blank">Salmonella</a> poisoning like a common dipshit.<br />
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Spread about 1/3 cup of steamed rice over the bird and inside the thighs, then half of the beet hash. Now close it back up and interlock the wings in some freaky MMA kind of arm lock, then flip that shit over and truss at least 3 times, starting at the knees.<br />
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Place on a baking tray and roast at 220°C / 420°F for 30 mins, then turn off the oven and let it rest for 10 more minutes inside.<br />
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To plate, drop 2 Tbsps of the beet reduction on the edge of a plate, then smear it around with the back of a spoon. Place a tiny quenelle of rice in front of it to prop up the bird and lean the hen against it. Remove the fucking kitchen twine, obviously.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2l5jbx95hICOodhM6rFIF79aDb7uzo-l2zOgYQG2dfsW7lfOYVrfLTb5nVT7-kX7OjgnNFR4-YIWQ2WOQKNr00XtXKXJSnH73y98JCBLMzARH4ks2TOj0Pzb9B2kBEbN5sZ8pcVC9SGY/s1600/IMG_0199.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2l5jbx95hICOodhM6rFIF79aDb7uzo-l2zOgYQG2dfsW7lfOYVrfLTb5nVT7-kX7OjgnNFR4-YIWQ2WOQKNr00XtXKXJSnH73y98JCBLMzARH4ks2TOj0Pzb9B2kBEbN5sZ8pcVC9SGY/s1600/IMG_0199.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BOOOM! Bitch!</td></tr>
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Feed it to your victim and prepare to fornicate like a rabid tazmanian devil in heat.<br />
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Printer Friendly Version<br />
Sweet and Spicy Roast Cornish Hen<br />
Serves 2 horny motherfuckers<br />
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2 cornish hens, rinsed, patted dry and deboned<br />
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1 1/2 cups beet juice, separated.<br />
3 Tbsps Sriracha<br />
3/4 cup Red Wine (whatever kind, just remember: If you can't drink it, don't fucking cook with it)<br />
3 Tbsps Balsamic Vinegar<br />
2 Tbsps dark Soy sauce<br />
<br />
1 cup chopped beet<br />
1/2 cup chopped carrots<br />
2 Tbsps finely chopped onion<br />
2 Tbsps finely chopped parsley<br />
1 Tbsp corn oil<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
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1 cup steamed white rice<br />
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<br />
<ol>
<li>Marinate the hens in a mixture of half the beet juice, all of the sriracha and balsamic vinegar for at least 30mins and uo to 6 hour.</li>
<li>Fry the chopped vegetables in corn oil on a very high heat until softened and browned, about 15 minutes, then add the parsley and reserve.</li>
<li>Reduce the rest of the beet juice with the red wine and soy sauce until it thickens and boils down to 4 Tbsps.</li>
<li>Stuff the hens with the steamed rice and hash, then overlap the edges and truss to close. Roast at 220°C/420°F for 30 mins, then turn off the heat and let it rest for 10 mins</li>
<li>Plate, eat. Get drunk. Bump uglies. LEAVE A FUCKING COMMENT.</li>
</ol>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-12363387929699086502014-02-18T22:03:00.000-08:002014-02-19T19:08:34.964-08:00GravlaxI meant to post this before Valentine's, but couldn't find the time to do it. Sorry, guys.<br />
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But let's say you need to feed a naked woman, either because you fucked up big time and need a ticket out of the doghouse, or because some great miracle you managed to lure an unsuspecting victim into your filthy man-cave. Never fear, brother. I got your ass covered.<br />
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Just let me clear something: This shit needs planning. Not a lot of elbow grease, but definitely some planning. So get your ass ready as soon as you fuck up, or hook up.<br />
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Gravlax (grav = grave, lax = salmon) is an ancient recipe, dating all the way back to the Middle Ages, when scandinavian fishermen would wrap their salmon in birch leaves and bury it to ferment near the shoreline. Much like 17th century japanese fishermen fermented their fish in soured rice (SUSHI!). Actual fermentation is no longer that important, and has been replaced with curing.<br />
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So let's start with a 1 lb fillet of salmon. Carefully remove any bones left and skin it. If you lack the tools or basic motor skills, ask your fishmonger to do it for you, then leave the place with your head down and your shoulders shrugged in shame. Trim the odd bits from your fillet (and eat that shit raw, you big fucking pussy), then cut it in half.<br />
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Now, line a large baking tray with several overlapping layers of cling film. Place a few sheets of nori on top.<br />
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Mix 1.5 cups of regular table salt and 1.5 cups sugar in a bowl. Don't splurge the Benjamins on this shit, coz you'll be washing it off in a few days anyway. Dump 1/3 of the mix on the nori, then place the first fillet on top.<br />
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Sprinkle some more of the sugar and salt mixture on the fish, then a lot of dill, fresh or dried. Now take a small, raw beet root and grate the shit of of it on the fish. This will give it a nice earthy flavor and color it a totally gay shade of reddish purple that'll look awesome when we're done.<br />
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Add some more dill, salt and sugar and lay the second fillet on top. Sprinkle the rest of the salt and sugar mixture, then cover with a few more nori sheets. Now wrap this shit tight -and I mean italian-nun-tight - in several layers of cling film. Place it in a ziploc bag and forget about it in your fridge for 2 to 4 days.<br />
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Unlike when you're curing bacon, you don't need to fuck around with it during its curing time, so just place it in the fridge with something heavy on top and leave it be. Four days later, you'll be left with this:</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15BRfSRmMMPjZyZFZIXav5QEKTDLa4qfD8i40bCouxa5Hxetqh-cg8JIKcdEC5aurp8_nPsyOzSrcC6B3DyfPBH-Hqk-hBT6m1TM-3ptKWYWYB5CRl_zS0BJTkC40Y2Owrn1Wn1RTULA/s1600/SAM_4167.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15BRfSRmMMPjZyZFZIXav5QEKTDLa4qfD8i40bCouxa5Hxetqh-cg8JIKcdEC5aurp8_nPsyOzSrcC6B3DyfPBH-Hqk-hBT6m1TM-3ptKWYWYB5CRl_zS0BJTkC40Y2Owrn1Wn1RTULA/s1600/SAM_4167.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bear in mind, the longer it sits, the dryer and chewier it will be.</td></tr>
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Unwrapt it, then rinse it thoroughly to remove all the excess brine and shit. Now slice it as thinly as your dumb gorilla hands let you and cover with cling film until it's time to serve.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWlVlADhJ4FnuXleT5AZ80bweu9ft0ojeHzgpTKVhGlNaQWvtcjhUYnn78dqobltQ_2rptEglloM8FhbM7QKUgrzjX77X8dhhGnlxpl7h_wMkaUnUWBf1WFbXZmfDwxyjEKegmxDOOhBE/s1600/SAM_4175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWlVlADhJ4FnuXleT5AZ80bweu9ft0ojeHzgpTKVhGlNaQWvtcjhUYnn78dqobltQ_2rptEglloM8FhbM7QKUgrzjX77X8dhhGnlxpl7h_wMkaUnUWBf1WFbXZmfDwxyjEKegmxDOOhBE/s1600/SAM_4175.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRZX-0kvx7Oz6IeRDu-2imNiOp455UNw6zcp1NBe0-KI3RKzSFztbBemt-94qYJT5jXmGn9ixVisE_-BYxeSSf-EIGY2hdL78ebEcL5QjgClEJmdg1GZ88BsgssyW85b4Yib5GG7bRcDI/s1600/SAM_4179.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRZX-0kvx7Oz6IeRDu-2imNiOp455UNw6zcp1NBe0-KI3RKzSFztbBemt-94qYJT5jXmGn9ixVisE_-BYxeSSf-EIGY2hdL78ebEcL5QjgClEJmdg1GZ88BsgssyW85b4Yib5GG7bRcDI/s1600/SAM_4179.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at this beautiful motherfucker, bitch! It's like the bacon of the sea</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltP6vcr6h13wl21c_uVIOnf8_pvCJO2YDAZ_T90DLFyz3GNTc6UbshjLX_CUI-hZC3SZoMm5UkfyqKAMQXgzWU5SUn6ZGvU9-tp9DazhHz7J5_U0OeNG8HC1-2McqgqBiWfEWeaxgJ08/s1600/SAM_4185.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltP6vcr6h13wl21c_uVIOnf8_pvCJO2YDAZ_T90DLFyz3GNTc6UbshjLX_CUI-hZC3SZoMm5UkfyqKAMQXgzWU5SUn6ZGvU9-tp9DazhHz7J5_U0OeNG8HC1-2McqgqBiWfEWeaxgJ08/s1600/SAM_4185.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See that pinkish coloring right there? Totally not gay... well, maybe a little, but fucking awesome.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
To serve, let's make some Steward Spread. Traditionally, this is made with mustard, but I couldn't find any good european mustard to mix with my cream cheese, so I made do with the shit in my fridge. This is 3 oz cream cheese, 1 oz sour cream, the zest from 1 lemon, some dill, salt and pepper.<br />
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Also, gravlax is served on rye toast, but that's impossible to find here, so some regular sourdough had to do the trick. Spread with the sauce, then let your inner florist take over and arrange the salmon slices on top. Drizzle with some olive oil and sprinkle a few drops of lemon juice. Whatever gay-as-fuck decorations you feel are necessary are welcome. In this case, beet leaves and cherry tomatoes.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMwH1a5_P2Pj8DJJ4RmOyfRB4Fxtn7fmMBpdsp0O79J2cX4IddkvplxrWM1ewRk7xWpogYq6a26Jmu51nCd5a0AAHbGOfJtgu2yaT8GxhbD1aVv6JrPRpzcuU30FIc5Go7bW-0Fd0VKs/s1600/SAM_4214.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMwH1a5_P2Pj8DJJ4RmOyfRB4Fxtn7fmMBpdsp0O79J2cX4IddkvplxrWM1ewRk7xWpogYq6a26Jmu51nCd5a0AAHbGOfJtgu2yaT8GxhbD1aVv6JrPRpzcuU30FIc5Go7bW-0Fd0VKs/s1600/SAM_4214.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trust me, if this big fucking hairy vagina liked it, it's fucking irresistible</td></tr>
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Printer-Friendly Version</div>
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Gravlax</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
1 1 lb salmon fillet, trimmed and halved</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
1.5 cups sugar</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
1.5 cups salt</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
1 small beetroot, shredded</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
1 cup chopped dill</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
4 sheets of nori</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
1 shitload of cling film</div>
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1 ziploc bag</div>
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Spread</div>
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3 Oz cream cheese</div>
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1 Oz sour cream</div>
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2 lemons, zested, a few drops of lemon juice</div>
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1 Tbsp dill</div>
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1 tsp salt and pepper</div>
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<ol>
<li>Mix the salt and sugar in a bowl, then murder your fish with it. Sandwich the dill and shredded beetroot between the fillets, then cover in nori and wrap tightly with cling film.</li>
<li>Place in ziploc bag and leave it the fuck alone for 2 to 4 days.</li>
<li>Slice as thinly as you can, or like, or whatever, it's your fish.</li>
<li>Mix all of the spread ingredients, then serve with toast.</li>
<li>Fucking rule.</li>
</ol>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-55716221790531991922014-01-30T09:32:00.002-08:002014-01-30T09:44:19.365-08:00The Seitanic* Verses - Cooking Gluten Fajitas<span style="color: #8e7cc3; font-size: x-small;">*10 points if you got the Rushdie reference, dawg. If you didn't, lemme throw</span><span style="color: cyan; font-size: x-small;"> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_12?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the%20satanic%20verses&sprefix=the+satanic+%2Caps%2C109" target="_blank">some knowledge</a> </span><span style="color: #b4a7d6; font-size: x-small;">at your bitch ass.</span><br />
<br />
I apologize for the 9 month hiatus, guys, but shit got sort of fucked up in these last few months and it only just started to improve. I'm not dwelling on my emo bullshit. Suffice it to say I'm now happily married and have 3 wonderful jobs I love.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm deviating from the standard, cholesterol-laden fare I so love to feature here to introduce you to some weird as fuck vegan food: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seitan" target="_blank">Seitan</a>. Most people (or at least, most people I know) have never heard of it, and nearly gag when they see it come out of a can.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixlLxRb3Wf7seoZEi7TEY5TZpdUp_6idpGvDuFoWYprjW8kEOzK3Q-NeP8jgKWVSPG8XEhxZE_0vrLZNDlkkoCUwx5xFl22D3zu5r-OybVJbUCduspHj0_jFTAvyVFg_35KbbSdJv-ZT4/s1600/Vegan-Duck-Chunk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixlLxRb3Wf7seoZEi7TEY5TZpdUp_6idpGvDuFoWYprjW8kEOzK3Q-NeP8jgKWVSPG8XEhxZE_0vrLZNDlkkoCUwx5xFl22D3zu5r-OybVJbUCduspHj0_jFTAvyVFg_35KbbSdJv-ZT4/s1600/Vegan-Duck-Chunk.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And this is AFTER the food stylist</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Also known as "mock duck", you can find different varieties of it in specialty asian food stores, be it canned or vacuum-packed. It's essentially wheat gluten, clumped up in rubbery, spongy nuggets of vegetarian misery flavored with all kinds of spices that ultimately make it taste nothing like meat or duck or actually food.<br />
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That is, unless you get off your lazy ass and make some from scratch. In that case, it's awesome (Obviously, not bacon awesome, but pretty damned good for something vegetarian.). Over the course of the last few years, our social circle has diversified to include vegetarians, vegans, celiacs and keto-ers, so I've taken the plunge into uncharted seas and found some tasty shit on the way.<br />
<br />
Start with 1 kg of plain, all purpose flour, unsifted. Mix it with about 2.2 cups of cold water in an electric mixer. Make sure your mixer can take it, because this thing will turn into a rubbery clusterfuck in a few minutes. Turn it out to a counter and knead for a few minutes.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some people season the dough when mixing, but I find it completely unnecessary</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">Dump it into a bowl and cover it completely with cold tap water, then let it rest overnight. The initial beating and kneading will start gluten release, while the overnight soaking will hidrate the starches in the flour and make them soluble enough to be washed away.</span><br />
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The next day, knead lightly again over a cheesecloth-lined collander and start rubbing it between your palms as you hold it under running water. Keep doing this until the water runs mostly clear, about 10 minutes. This will wash away most of the starches and leave you with mostly pure wheat protein. It will look disgusting and will not be edible. Also, you will be left with roughly half of the initial volume. Right now you can submerge this dough in heavily salted water and will keep in your fridge for about a week.<br />
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When you're ready to eat, break your raw seitan into 4 or 6 pieces and boil it for an hour on medium heat in vegetable stock. In this case, it's just water with a splash of soy sauce, a lot of minced garlic and some powdered ginger. The seitan sponges will expand and absorb some of the liquid, so make sure there's plenty of room for them in your pot.<br />
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Once cooked, let them cool completely and slice to desired size (or not. I mean, who the fuck am I to tell you what to do?) . Now you're ready to cook them however you please.<br />
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In this case, I made a simple stir-fry with whatever I could find in my fridge. Onions, celery, mushrooms and tomatoes. The sauce was 2 Tbsps soy sauce, 2 Tbsps white vinegar, 4 Tbsps sugar and 1 Tbsp cornstarch diluted in 4 Tbsps cold water.<br />
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Printer-Friendly Version:<br />
Seitan (Wheat Gluten Meat Substitute)<br />
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Serves 4<br />
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<ul>
<li>2.2 lbs all-purpose flour</li>
<li>2.2 cups cold water</li>
<li>Vegetable stock, soy sauce and whatever condiments you feel like putting into it</li>
<li>Patience, young Padawan. A lot of it.</li>
</ul>
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<ol>
<li>Make a dough mixing the water and flour and kneading for a few minutes, it should be elastic, but not necessarily smooth.</li>
<li>Cover it completely in water and let it rest for 8 hours, undisturbed.</li>
<li>Rinse under cold water over a washcloth lined collander and gently rub between your palms until the water runs clear.</li>
<li>Form 4 dough balls and boil for 45 to 60 minutes in whatever the fuck you feel like.</li>
<li>Let cool and cook like chicken breast or something.</li>
<li>Be awesome and leave a comment, bro.</li>
</ol>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-66878215175009966962013-05-02T18:30:00.000-07:002013-05-02T18:30:29.927-07:00Chicken Crust Pizza<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eOBIG-Fn3Gk/UYMShr8Km2I/AAAAAAAAFLg/isSkmmUjnLE/s1600/IMG_3235.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eOBIG-Fn3Gk/UYMShr8Km2I/AAAAAAAAFLg/isSkmmUjnLE/s1600/IMG_3235.JPG" height="242" width="320" /></a></div>
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Have you ever wanted to make your own pizza at home, but lack the spatial abilities to tie your own shoes without a helmet and special goggles? Then you just came to the right place, friend. This thing is so fucking easy, a chimp with Down's syndrome could make it. That means you'll probably have a rough time on the first 3 or 4 tries, but fuck it. No pain, no gain.<div>
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Also, bonus kitchen cred for making pizza with chicken for a crust.</div>
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Preheat your oven to 180°C/275°F</div>
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Start with 4 chicken breasts (about 24 oz), cut into large chunks, and process them with 8 oz of grated mozzarella cheese, a teaspoon of italian spices, pepper and garlic salt. You need to run this bitch on high for a few minutes, stopping ocasionally to scrape down the sides, until you get a smotth, emulsified paste.</div>
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Now get yourself a 12'' oven proof skillet and coat it generously with olive oil. Dump the chicken mixture in the pan, then smooth it out with a cold wet spoon. Set it on the stove on high, undisturbed, for 5 minutes.</div>
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<div>
While the crust browns, make the sauce. Mix a can of tomato paste, 2 Tbsps of jarred pesto, a dash of sriracha, salt and pepper in a bowl, then spread it on the chicken crust.</div>
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Sprinkle 8 more ounces of chicken on top and some salami, then some parmesan. Now bake for 15 minutes.<br />
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And that's fucking it!</div>
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<div>
Chicken Crust Pizza</div>
<div>
Serves 8</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
4 chicken breasts, cubed</div>
<div>
16 oz mozzarella cheese, grated</div>
<div>
2 Tbsps grated parmesan cheese</div>
<div>
1 tsp italian spices</div>
<div>
Garlic salt and pepper</div>
<div>
1 small can tomato paste</div>
<div>
2 Tbsps pesto</div>
<div>
dash of sriracha</div>
<div>
10 slices of salami</div>
<div>
Olive oil</div>
<div>
<ol>
<li>Place the chicken, half the cheese, and the spices in a food processor with some garlic salt and pepper, and beat the shit out of them to make a dough</li>
<li>Spread said dough on a 12'' oven-proof skillet coated with olive oil and brown for 5 minutes.</li>
<li>Mix all the other shit, except for the salami, and spread on top.</li>
<li>Sprinkle with cheese, salami and parmesan. Now bake at 180°C/275°F for 15 minutes.</li>
<li>Have a beer, you glorious motherfucker. You deserve it.</li>
<li>Profit.</li>
</ol>
<div>
Nutritional info, per serving: 394 cal, 8g carbs, 24g fat, 28g protein, 537mg sodium</div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-71573618140387605692013-01-07T12:14:00.002-08:002013-01-14T10:57:05.041-08:00Costillas Adobadas (Pork Spareribs in Adobo)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilOOETeN4ZgSfgrgB9SLdsRB7oqQvWeP4Hxsg5NjsgU3cjIt3uk99H97D4YrjsVWeW_NU-WnpMcCAndY6Eo0eHP0670RVHL0AvBQH_-IPS1IqUnQBeTO_OPJKVOiSVaVHwKWilyPWiYH0/s1600/DSCF9221.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilOOETeN4ZgSfgrgB9SLdsRB7oqQvWeP4Hxsg5NjsgU3cjIt3uk99H97D4YrjsVWeW_NU-WnpMcCAndY6Eo0eHP0670RVHL0AvBQH_-IPS1IqUnQBeTO_OPJKVOiSVaVHwKWilyPWiYH0/s320/DSCF9221.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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After a 6 week drop (and 10lb gain, fuck) from my keto diet, I decided to resume and redouble efforts in 2013. As usual with keto, this past week I've been pissing like a pregnant mare, and already lost 7lbs worth of excess liquid. Things are looking good. Not that I expect you to actually give a fuck (although words of encouragment are apreciated), this is only the backstory for the creation of these ribs.</div>
<br />
I fucking love ribs. I've said it before, they're the best part of all edible animals. I had been rib-deprived for the last 4 months because of dietary restrictions and plain old lazyness. Not anymore. These motherfuckers are awesome. Not your usual, sugar-drenched, sloppy pieces of dead gringo pig, but aggressively refined examples of fine mexican cuisine. And totally carb-free.<br />
<br />
This is also not the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adobo" target="_blank">adobo</a> you may already be familiar with, be it spanish, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philippine_adobo" target="_blank">filipino</a> or mexican. I took most of the usual spices associated with chorizo and tweaked them into a paste that will blow your fucking mind away.<br />
<br />
Start with 3 ounces of dried Anaheim peppers. These are closely related to red New Mexico peppers, and are ubiquitous in sonoran cuisine. They are really mild and earthy, with a very subtle wood flavor. Rehydrate them in hot water for 20 mins, then strain.<br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">SHELDON MOMENT ALERT</span></b></div>
Anaheims and New Mexicos are genetically the same plant, Capsicum frutescens, and were introduced into Anaheim County in the early 1900s by mexican farmer Emilio Ortega. A mexican botanist, Dr. Fabian García, raised slightly hotter cultivars in 1913 for the New Mexican palate. The difference, however, is almost negligible. Anaheims can score up to <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.mx/2013/01/cooking-lessons-part-4-scoville-heat.html" target="_blank">2500 SHUs</a>, whereas New Mexicos rarely reach 5000. This is milder than a jalapeño. TL;DR: <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.mx/2011/10/cooking-lessons-2-dont-be-pussy-chiles.html" target="_blank">Don't be a fucking pussy and get some chiles.</a><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">END SHELDON MOMENT</span></b></div>
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Peel 2 medium heads of garlic and place in a food processor with the stemmed peppers (leave the seeds), 1/3 cup sea salt, 1/3 cup whole dried oregano, 2 Tbsps black peppercorns, 2 Tbsps paprika, 2 Tbsps coriander seeds and 1 tsp ground cumin. Pulse to make a paste. This is where most people would add some sort of vinegar. I find it draws too much moisture from the meat when cooking and leaves a rubbery piece of shit behind. It also splatters and burns and just fucks up everything. Please refrain.<br />
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Now take 4 lbs of spare ribs and give'em an erotic adobo massage. Cover them with a tea towel and leave them to air out for 6 to 8 hours. Trust me, you'll be fine.<br />
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Bake them, loosely covered with foil, in a 220°C/420°F for 90mins, then uncover and bake for an additional 30mins.<br />
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Now these are pretty awesome on their own, but to compensate for the lack of acidity in the adobo, I like to make a simple cilantro chimichurri, with 2 bunches of cilantro, 1/2 cup olive oil, 2 Tbsps lime juice and a fistful of bird chiles to finish them off.<br />
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ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY MAGIC<br />
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<br />
Costillas Adobadas<br />
(serves 6 fo you.... or one of me)<br />
<br />
4 lbs pork spare ribs<br />
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Adobo<br />
3 Oz dried Anaheim chiles, rehydrated and drained<br />
2 medium heads of garlic, peeled<br />
1/3 cup coarse sea salt<br />
1/3 cup whole dried oregano<br />
2 Tbsps black peppercorns<br />
2 Tbsps paprika<br />
2 Tbsps coriander seeds<br />
1 tsp ground cumin<br />
<br />
Cilantro salsa<br />
2 bunches cilantro, finely chopped<br />
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil<br />
3 Tbsps lime juice<br />
fistful of dried bird chiles<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Pulse all of the adobo ingredients in a food processor to form a paste</li>
<li>Sensually rub said paste on ribs</li>
<li>Leave them the fuck alone for 6 to 8 hours, covered.</li>
<li>Cover with foil and bake for 90 mins, then uncover and bake for 30 mins.</li>
<li>Pulse everything else and sprinkle over the ribs</li>
<li>Drink copious ammounts of beer and attempt to copulate.</li>
</ol>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-21223999416820728742012-10-14T10:48:00.000-07:002012-10-14T10:48:18.463-07:00The Sexy MoFoI've been on Keto for 5 weeks so far, and I've lost ruoghly 9 Kg (20lbs) already. Yesterday, I wanted to celebrate, so I bought a couple of 1lb New York Steaks and made these. This is, by far, the most decadent piece of dead cow I've eaten; and I assure you, it's a guaranteed ticket to rock star sex.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSia9E61X4uElQZyVICH5ghabyR6NY4kwFaciTFAFd9XoK5LwaxKY_Qk9yGfWtppfL64ZNVhhN6DBbf7cbcc0r6UzUDtcVK7794xkCmZ33hd993Bg9UkhofA5zpPv2eI-EU7s2iyksR7k/s1600/DSCF8973.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSia9E61X4uElQZyVICH5ghabyR6NY4kwFaciTFAFd9XoK5LwaxKY_Qk9yGfWtppfL64ZNVhhN6DBbf7cbcc0r6UzUDtcVK7794xkCmZ33hd993Bg9UkhofA5zpPv2eI-EU7s2iyksR7k/s320/DSCF8973.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Start with your steaks. This is New York, my second favorite cut after Prime Rib. Thesse are about a pound each, no fat trimmed. Season them profusely with sea salt and pepper and let them rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature.</div>
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<span style="color: red;">SHELDON MOMENT ALERT</span></div>
<div>
Fuck it, I don't want to lose that tradition. Resting your steaks while heavily salted does a number of things. First, sodium denatures and breaks colagen, so the meat will naturally tenderize. Second, it draws moisture from the steaks, which lets the surface caramelize better. Third, as it draws moisture from the meat, the liquid will dissolve some salt and allow it to be reabsorbed into the steaks, seasoning it evenly and ensuring an even distribution of juices. Also, NEVER use table salt. The iodine will turn everything bitter.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">END SHELDON MOMENT</span></div>
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As your steaks rest, slice 1/2 an onion per person thinly across the grain, then caramelize them over a medium high flame with 2 Tbsps butter and 2 Tbsps olive oil per onion.</div>
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When your steaks reach room temperature, heat a large skillet over a very high flame and set your steaks fat-side-down to render some grease. You need to let it brown a little on the steaks, then set them flat on the skillet and cook for 10 minutes on each side (for medium), FLIPPING ONLY ONCE.</div>
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As I've said before, the flip-once phylosophy has nothing to do with being a fucking douchebag and proving your physchic meat-guessing abilities. It's actually much easier to develop an even crust by not moving your steaks around so much, and pinching or squeezing on your steaks constantly will only render more juices out of the meat. Also, it frees your hands.</div>
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Once the meat is cooked, transfer to a wire rack over a plate and cover losely with foil. Allow the steaks to rest for at least 5 minutes. This lets the colagen relax and distributes the juices evenly inside. Otherwise, you'll be left with a puddle of blood and a piece of leathery shit on your plate.</div>
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Now, while your steaks rest, return your attention to the onions. They should be nice and brown by now. Add 1/2 cup of half and half per onion, salt and pepper to taste and stir.</div>
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Spoon the onions evenly on the steaks, then crumble 1 Oz of your favorite blue cheese on top. Now fucking melt that shit with a torch.<br />
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Serve with whatever greenery you have on hand to fill up the plate. Ignore that shit and focus on the meat.</div>
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Per serving: 1,300 kcal, 16g carbs, 55g fat, 143g protein. Not exactly low carb, but I can't imagine anyone eating more than this for a whole day, so we're cool.</div>
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<div>
The Sexy Motherfucker</div>
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Serves 2</div>
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<div>
2 New York steaks, 1 lb each</div>
<div>
1 medium onion</div>
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2 Tbsps olive oil</div>
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2 Tbsps butter</div>
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125ml half and half</div>
<div>
2 Oz blue cheese</div>
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Salt and pepper</div>
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<div>
<ol>
<li>Season your steaks profusely and let rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature.</li>
<li>Slice the onion thinly and brown on oil and butter.</li>
<li>Render some fat from each side of the steaks, then cook for 10 minutes per side, flipping only once.</li>
<li>Let the steaks rest for 5 minutes, losely covered with foil.</li>
<li>Mix the cream into the onions, then top the steaks with this and 1 Oz of blue cheese</li>
<li>Scorch the fuck out of them with a torch</li>
<li>Serve and get laid, you glorious bastard</li>
</ol>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-21065350790978510922012-09-24T19:16:00.000-07:002012-09-24T19:16:07.221-07:00Pork Rind-Encrusted Shrimp and Green Salad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been a while and I was feeling adventurous and creative. I've also just started a keto diet, so I had to come up with something different. By the way, eating half a pound of bacon in the morning and still losing weight fucking kicks ass. Seriously, I've eaten so much pork lately I feel like I'm the one responsible for the dreaded bacon shortage expected for next year.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://api.ning.com/files/tzXE8QdcwJIQHR7ue-3DNT4Xu67O3gGPzBCHHFtW-bmp34QQAgGVEBNS2Thw*lY0omQsyLlT2c4Bv0CoXKfCSY*NPLlOMUWS/1292550067398.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://api.ning.com/files/tzXE8QdcwJIQHR7ue-3DNT4Xu67O3gGPzBCHHFtW-bmp34QQAgGVEBNS2Thw*lY0omQsyLlT2c4Bv0CoXKfCSY*NPLlOMUWS/1292550067398.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm still working on these moves, though</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anyway, as much as I love bacon and other assorted chunks of dead animals, I felt like I had to include a little more variety on the menu, so I came up with these little fuckers. After all, people wrap their shrimp in bacon all the time. Pork rinds seemed like the next logical step.<br />
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Straight to the point here:<br />
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Take 2 lbs of shrimp. Peel and de-vein, then keep in ice water. Mini-Sheldon moment: All toothless animals spoil quickly, because their gastric enzymes are much more potent. Consume immediately, keep them cold and keep your hands and surfaces clean.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just in case you forgot: Make a shallow cut down the shrimp's back</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Then scrape off the shrimp shit</td></tr>
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Place about 4 Oz of mexican pork rinds (chicharrones) in the food processor and pulse to a fine powder. Set aside.<br />
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Now beat 3 eggs with 3 Tbsps water and a pinch of salt. This will denature their protein slightly and make them runnier and easier to handle. Treat your shrimp like any other breaded shrimp: Dust in flour and shake off excess, then pass them through an egg wash, then dredge in the chicharrones.<br />
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Fry them until golden brown at 375°F/170°C. Since chicharrones are much lighter than bread crumbs, they'll take as little as 45-60 seconds per batch.<br />
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The salad was simple, yet elegant. 1 large Romaine and 1 Oak lettuce, jícama, 1 green apple and 1 large cucumber, all julienned. The dressing was an emulsion of 1/2 cup olive oil, 1/2 cup white wine vinegar and 1/3 cup of Dijon mustard, salt and pepper. I sprinkled some crumbled feta on top and served along the shrimp with some chipotle mayo.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who needs bread crumbs when you got pig crumbs?</td></tr>
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This totals 1110 kcal, 111g of fat and 119g of protein.... and if you omit the green apple from the salad, 1 measly gram of carbs (otherwise it's about 4g). So full of Win!<br />
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Pork Rind-Encrusted Shrimp and Green Salad with Mustard Vinaigrette<br />
Serves 4<br />
<br />
2 lbs of shrimp, peeled and de-veined<br />
4 oz of mexican pork rinds (chicharrones)<br />
3 eggs, beaten with a little salt and water<br />
flour<br />
Vegetable oil<br />
<br />
Salad<br />
1 large Romaine lettuce, torn<br />
1 Oak lettuce, torn<br />
1 small jícama, julienned<br />
1 small Granny smith apple, julienned<br />
1 large cucumber, julienned<br />
4 oz crumbled feta cheese<br />
<br />
Dressing<br />
1/2 cup olive oil<br />
1/2 cup white wine vinegar<br />
1/3 cup dijon mustard<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Make sure the shrimp are cold and dry. Dunk them in flour, shake off the excess, then cover in egg and pork rinds. Fry in small batches at 375°F/170°C</li>
<li>Emulsify the vinaigrette ingredients</li>
<li>Toss the foliage around with the dressing, sprinkle with feta cheese</li>
<li>Fucking kill this</li>
<li>Eat like Homer</li>
</ol>
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*Ok, I couldn't find this clip in english, but you get the point</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-71708551288158411582012-08-20T13:48:00.003-07:002012-08-20T18:48:32.166-07:00New York Steak with Dried Cherry Balsamic Reduction and Bacon-Salted FritesNothing says "I love you" like steak. Well, maybe good scotch and a cigar. And a BJ. But still, steak ranks up there with the best public displays of affection conceived by mankind. And steak cooked properly, perfectly, keeping the center at 65°C while uniformly caramelizing the outside, seasoning it just right and serving it with a side of civilized potatoes can only be described as a little slice of Nirvana.<br />
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I am a Rib Eye man myself, but my family doesn't love fat as much as I do, so this time I cooked New York strip steak. New York steak comes from the short loin primal, and can often substitute for T-Bones, Porterhouses and Rib Steaks if the marbling is right.<br />
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The thing about New York steak is that it's really easy to fuck up, since it's often leaner that other cuts and will burn and dry to a rubbery piece of shit if overcooked. There is no way in Hell a self-respecting, red-blooded human can process a well-done New York steak. Seriously, if you like your steak well-done, don't eat steak. Have a rat burger at McD. Char yourself some hotdogs; after all, they're nothing but lips and assholes.<br />
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So let's start with as many steaks as there are people on your table. DO. NOT. TRIM. THE. FAT. Seriously. Don't do it, fucker. I'm watching you. Season the steaks liberally with sea salt and coarsely ground pepper and set aside for a while.<br />
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Preheat your oven to 375°F. Take some crumbled bacon and dehydrate it in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes. It should be crunchy but not chared. Let it cool and place in the food processor with at least 2x as much sea salt as bacon and a little paprika (for color). Pulse it to combine until any fat left in the bacon is indistinguishable. Set aside.<br />
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Take at least 1 potato per guest and cut into 8 regular wedges. Nuke'em for 5-6 minutes, covered, and let them rest in the microwave while you prepare the rest of the meal.<br />
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Put a couple of tablespoons of fig preserves in a sauce pan. Add some dried cherries, half a bottle of your favorite red wine (in this case, Shyraz) and a good dash of balsamic vinegar. Season with salt and pepper and simmer over a medium high flame until thickened. While you're at it, take a large pan (preferably cast-iron, and heat it over a very high flame.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Home-made, of course</td></tr>
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As the sauce simmers, take the potato wedges out of the microwave and add a decent amount of olive oil, pepper and parmesan cheese. The heat and moisture from the potatoes will melt the cheese and make it stick to the wedges, giving you that all-natural MSG goodness that can only come from parmesan. Place them on a single layer on a cookie sheet and bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until browned.<br />
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Once the potatoes are nice and browned, take them out of the oven and sprinkle them with bacon salt.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">SHELDON MOMENT ALERT</span></div>
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Glutamic acid is the most abundant non-essential aminoacid found in foods. Monosodium glutamate was first synthetized in 1908 by japanese scientist Kikunae Ikeda, who patented it and sold at as Aji-no-Moto (Essence of flavor), Professor Ikeda also discovered the elusive 5th flavor, <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.mx/p/cooking-lessons-part-3-what-fuck-is.html" target="_blank">umami</a>, elicited by the activation of glutamate receptors on the tongue mucosa. All aged, dry cheeses contain vast ammounts of glutamic acid, which makes them excellent flavor enhancers. The infamous "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_Restaurant_Syndrome#Chinese_restaurant_syndrome" target="_blank">Chinese Restaurant Syndrome</a>" is nothing but the result of a single anecdotal report by a man called Robert Ho Man Kwok, and it has been extensively disproved.</div>
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<span style="color: red;">END SHELDON MOMENT</span></div>
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Now add just a little olive oil to the heated pan and place the steaks (always laying them away from you, or risk grease splatter), never overcrowding the surface. Do not fucking touch them again for 5 minutes. Seriously, don't. You need them to char on the surface to develop maximum flavor. Use tongs and a large spatula to flip them. Puncturing them with a fork will only render the juices out, this creates steam and hinders caramelization. Steaks should only be flipped once. And it's not some snobbish dick shit about knowing your meat. Steaks can be equally well cooked flipping them once or flipping them frequently. It's just more practical to leave them be and let residual heat work its magic.<br />
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Take the steaks out of the pan and add a dash of red wine to whatever browned bits were left in the pan, scrape them and add this liquid to the balsamic reduction.The steaks must rest for 5 to 10 minutes, loosely covered with aluminum foil, so that the protein relaxes and the juices are not forced out when you drive your knife through it.<br />
<br />
Now plate, eat, and be happy!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvKpQHw5__7xWH8P-qWY2inreuIE9_nUqddTxh8Jj8Vuom1Ig1PzYKsxP7kNSQxhe7oL_DFPH9VqDlmUvslWCtlvZMiMau5wdKzP8sH674De8eiZeV5MX0xT3rTxCe8uVhjqEFLkW7oRA/s1600/IMG_3046.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvKpQHw5__7xWH8P-qWY2inreuIE9_nUqddTxh8Jj8Vuom1Ig1PzYKsxP7kNSQxhe7oL_DFPH9VqDlmUvslWCtlvZMiMau5wdKzP8sH674De8eiZeV5MX0xT3rTxCe8uVhjqEFLkW7oRA/s320/IMG_3046.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is my sister, a woman that despises adding fruit to anything other than a smoothie. She fucking loved it</td></tr>
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Printer-Friandly version:<br />
New York Steak with Dried Cherry Balsamic Reduction and Bacon-Salted Frites<br />
Serves 6<br />
<br />
6 New York Steaks, about 5Oz each<br />
<br />
Balsamic reduction:<br />
2 cups dry red wine<br />
1 cup balsamic vinegar<br />
1 cup dried cherries<br />
3 Tbsps fig preserves<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
<br />
Bacon salt:<br />
1/3 cup cooked bacon, dehydrated in the oven and cooled<br />
1 cup coarse sea salt<br />
1 Tbsp paprika<br />
<br />
Civilized Frites<br />
6 medium Idaho potatoes, cut in wedges<br />
Olive oil<br />
Pepper<br />
Parmesan cheese<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Season your steaks profusely with salt and pepper and set aside</li>
<li>Simmer all the sauce ingredients over a medium high flame until all of the alcohol has evaporated and the sauce thickens</li>
<li>Pulse the bacon, salt and paprika in a food processor until combined and set aside.</li>
<li>Parboil the potato wedges in the microwave, then toss with olive oil, parmesan cheese and pepper. Lay on a baking sheet and brown for 10 minutes in a 375°F oven</li>
<li>Heat a large skillet and sear the steaks for 5 to 8 minutes on each side, or until interior temperature reaches 65°C if you have a meat thermometer.</li>
<li>Deglaze the pan with a splash of red wine, then add the browned bits to the sauce.</li>
<li>Season the frites with bacon salt to taste, then plate with the steaks covered in sauce</li>
<li>Stay fucking awesome</li>
</ol>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-63850233434286097942012-06-22T23:22:00.000-07:002012-06-22T23:22:39.344-07:00Cuisses de Canard Braisées avec Vin Blanc et Magrets á la Sel de Mer<span style="background-color: white;">Fuuuuck... I warned you that a new age of douchebaggery was coming. It took me too damn fucking long, but here it is. I've been collecting several recipes over the past few weeks, but haven't actually had the time to sit my ass down to type. This duck, however, was prioritary. You see, before this dish, more than 2 years had passed since the last time I cooked duck. Sucks dick, I know, but duck is amazingly hard to find around here.</span><br />
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<br />
So I got my filthy paws on a frozen canadian bird. Purists will want to kill me, and with good reason, but the times were desperate. My duck jones had to be satisfied. Also, paying a shitload of money for a lousy bird commands a very pretentious and pedantic dish. Something long, complicated and douche-y sounding. Something French.<br />
<br />
This is not exactly a traditional french recipe, but rather a sort of scrapbook of my memories there.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwve_qfuBl4mLlFseCB2TyPG3rFJBcI5oZetekf8iTu7bcQa7lp2Mi9CA8eVqSNzvDrplwxtkOMKgBvAQZ-R2bxKVp98AQ-sUME6M5lPIkHX5t5qG-vkXl6kiGRGGZR60TUuyUJx_g7c/s1600/IMG_0360.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwve_qfuBl4mLlFseCB2TyPG3rFJBcI5oZetekf8iTu7bcQa7lp2Mi9CA8eVqSNzvDrplwxtkOMKgBvAQZ-R2bxKVp98AQ-sUME6M5lPIkHX5t5qG-vkXl6kiGRGGZR60TUuyUJx_g7c/s320/IMG_0360.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And my memories are kind of hazy about that whole period</td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Start with a whole 6-lb duck and break it down to pieces. Get your poultry shears and trim the excess skin and fat from around the neck and tail. Starting from the ass, cut your way up to the neck along the outer edge of the breast, then pull away and separate.</span><br />
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Take a very sharp knife and run it down the breastbone, separating the meat from the ribs and leaving as little as possible behind. These are your magrets. Score the skin superficially at 2 cm intervals, salt liberally, wrap in plastic at place in the fridge.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">Now cut down the skin in front of the hind quarters all the way o the joint. Dislocate it pulling outward and cut the meat behind. Trim some of the skin and fat from the edges and refrigerate.</span><br />
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Place the carcass in a pot with 1 gallon of water and some aromatics. In this case: 1 onion, 2 carrots, 2 ribs celery, a handfull of black pepper and a bouquet garni of thyme, rosemary and parsley. Boil for 2 hours, strain and discard everything but the duck carcass. Pull and shred the meat from the carcass and reserve for another use (in this case, duck confit for a salad a few days later... more on that eventually). Reserve the remaining broth for another time.<br />
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<span id="goog_209245714"></span><span id="goog_209245715"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Take 4 cups of the duck broth, cool it down and skim the fat from the surface. Don't be a moron, reserve the fat. It's fucking awesome.</span><br />
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Now let's braise the legs.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">MON DIEU! ALERTE DE MOMENT SHELDON!</span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
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Braising is the cooking technique where a protein is cooked using both moist and dry heat to obtain a different flavor. It's mostly reserved for tougher pieces of meat, but it can be used on pretty much anything you want. The rationale behind it is that dry heat at the begining of the cooking process will trigger a Maillard reaction (more on that next week) on the surface and create flavor, while the moist heat will dissolve the collagen in the meat and soften it. This particular kind of braising, where dry heat is applied twice to the protein, is exactly how we cook <i>carnitas</i> (pulled pork) here in Mexico, so feel free to try this with pork.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">FIN DE MOMENT SHELDON</span></div>
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Start by browning them evenly with a little olive oil, just 5 minutes per side. Now add some chopped onions and thick-sliced potatoes. Add the 4 cups of duck broth and a little over 2 cups of white wine, in this case, a cheap-ass pinot grigio. Place the duck legs on the vegetables and make sure they're covered by the liquid, cover and leave be over a medium-low flame for 2 1/2 hours, until most of the liquid evaporates and the vegetables are sautéed in the rendered duck fat.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQrcbwyTZj4KQrJd72qTwCPuq7zFyGIVjoLs4MPq7KWxyGtIQ-C7gsNmwYDFU7l3qlRDPQIFchusCv1wE7LEPkvp17iXEKQEw0auWbYZkj5PNi1tqCW6dbZIbtDIkVjiyAIsqeAjRJIx8/s1600/DSCF8779.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQrcbwyTZj4KQrJd72qTwCPuq7zFyGIVjoLs4MPq7KWxyGtIQ-C7gsNmwYDFU7l3qlRDPQIFchusCv1wE7LEPkvp17iXEKQEw0auWbYZkj5PNi1tqCW6dbZIbtDIkVjiyAIsqeAjRJIx8/s320/DSCF8779.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, the bottom burned a little, so I discarded those potatoes. But the rest was amazing</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white;">Ten minutes before you turn off the duck legs, cook the Magrets. Place them skin-side-down on a cold skillet and turn on the flame on medium high. Forget about them for about 10-15 minutes, they'll cook in their own fat (which, of course, you will reserve afterwards) and the skin will brown beautifully. Turn them over and cook for another 2 minutes. They should still be a little red inside.</span><br />
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To serve, place some of the potatoes and onions on a plate, arange a duck leg on top of them and spoon whatever liquid was left in the pan on top. If you didn't get any, deglace the pan with some more wine, add a little butter dipped in flour and whisk until a sauce forms. Slice the magret crosswise and fan out in front of the legs.<br />
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Get ready to have your mind (and body) blown the fuck away.<br />
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Printer-Friendly version:<br />
Duck Legs Braised in White Wine and Rare Duck Magrets with Sea Salt<br />
<br />
1 6lb duck, broken down.<br />
2 large onions<br />
2 large celery ribs<br />
2 large carrots<br />
2 sprigs each of thyme, rosemary and parsley<br />
salt and pepper<br />
<br />
Or you can take the pussy way out and get:<br />
2 duck magrets<br />
2 duck hind quarters<br />
4 cups chicken stock<br />
<br />
1 bottle dry white wine<br />
1 lb small new potatoes<br />
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<ol>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Break down your duck and make a stock out of the carcass and the aromatics. Boil for about 2 1/2 hours, then strain and discard all solids but the meat. Pick the meat from the bones and reserve for another use. Cool the broth and skim away the fat and reserve as well.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Salt the magret liberally with sea salt and wrap in plastic wrap. Set aside.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Brown the duck legs in a little olive oil until the skin is pale golden (about 5 minutes on each side), then add sime sliced onions, potatoes, 4 cups of stock and 2 to 3 cups of dry white wine. Braise over a medium low flame for about 2 hours, until most of the liquid evaporates.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Set the magrets skin side down on a cold skillet, turn on the heat to medium high and leave them the fuck alone for 8 to 10 minutes, then flip (ONLY FUCKING ONCE!) and cook for another 2 to 3 minutes. The meat must be medium done.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Deglaze the pan where you cooked the legs with some wine, scraping all the browned bits off, then add some butter dipped in flour and whisk until a sauce forms</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Plate the legs over a mound of potatoes and spoon the sauce on top. Slice the magrets think and fan out the slices around.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Get laid like a rockstar</span></li>
</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-40706609398277345562012-03-08T19:46:00.001-08:002012-03-08T19:46:37.758-08:00Nicaraguan Tamales<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's been a long time coming. Not just this blog post, but me reconnecting with my roots. You see, my dad is Nicaraguan. The<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicaraguan_Revolution" target="_blank"> Nicaraguan Revolution</a> exploded as soon as he left to study medicine here in Mexico, so he decided to stay once he met my mom.</div>
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Back -way fucking back- when I was a kid, there was a community of nicaraguan ex-pats in my hometown that got together every December 8th to Celebrate the<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immaculate_Conception" target="_blank"> Immaculate Conception</a>, which is Nicaragua's biggest national holiday. People would gather to pray and then pig the fuck out while drinking rum and beer, and singing traditional folk songs.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAibMjafZtxJ9VheypXQzqRezQYq1PE0-9d8UZg7uW65bi4phuE2zTVRICxoAJUO183O5jcD3oTU53t2ZaC39PpV4wxwyOuneGjDV9gj8t7oUpeCCA4cJVWh424wUYWlU8B1WM6DwrinU/s1600/16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAibMjafZtxJ9VheypXQzqRezQYq1PE0-9d8UZg7uW65bi4phuE2zTVRICxoAJUO183O5jcD3oTU53t2ZaC39PpV4wxwyOuneGjDV9gj8t7oUpeCCA4cJVWh424wUYWlU8B1WM6DwrinU/s320/16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's us, on the Ometepe, about 100lbs ago</td></tr>
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I was 8 the first time we traveled to Nicaragua. Prior to that, my dad filled my young brain with tales of a wondrous land of excitement and all that bullshit. The country itself is tiny, and back in the 80s it was still ravaged by war, in accordance with all the fucktarded latin stereotypes you can find in a Stallone movie.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.35milimetros.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/expendables07.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://www.35milimetros.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/expendables07.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Expendables... such potential... such a waste</td></tr>
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But amidst all the poverty, all the tragedy, I found the most amazing thing. EVERYONE SMILES, constantly. There's no TV to fuck your brain, so everyone reads. There's a poetry supplement on the local newspaper in Managua every weekend that's about half the total volume of the whole paper. Everything is an excuse to celebrate, to gather, to talk. Music booms everywhere, and nobody's shy of dancing and showing you how.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.bigtravelweb.com/images/miss-paraguay-nicaragua-l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="http://www.bigtravelweb.com/images/miss-paraguay-nicaragua-l.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also, Miss Nicaragua (blue headband)...</td></tr>
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AND THE FOOD! Holy fuckballs! There's aztec, mayan and inca mixed with spanish, french and african. Mostly from Ivory Coast, I later learned. The whole experience is surreal. Walking down the street you'll find fruit stands, juice stands, hundreds of traditional confections and fried stuff that can rival a walk down a chinese market.<br />
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I eventually learned to cook pretty much everything I've eaten on my travels, except Nacatamales. Up until a few months ago, they were my Great White Buffalo. You see, Nicaragua's 50,193 sq mi are divided into 17 Departments, each of which has its own completelly different recipe for them. They're also a metric shit-ton worth of work, which is why they're mostly saved for lazy weekend breakfasts.<br />
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These are Leonese Nacatamales. I suggest you take a day to prepare all the fillings and another day to make the batter and build. Your mise-en-place is vital here, because you'll be working with raw meat in large quantities. Start by prepping your fillings. We have bird chiles, potatoes, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, peppermint, capers, olives, raisins and prunes. Also, soak about 3 cups of rice in eough water to cover it completey and 2 Tbsps of achiote paste overnight.<br />
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As for the meat, nacatamales are always filled with pork. Get yourself 2.5 lbs of pork spare ribs and 5 lbs of pork tenderloin, cut the meat in evenly-sized chunks, then marinate them in a mixture of 3 cups sour orange juice and 3 oz of achiote paste overnight.<br />
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Remember that time,<a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/10/banana-leaf-wrapped-steamed-basa-pibil.html" target="_blank"> waaaay back</a>, when we used a lot of banana leaves? Well, here we go again. Only this time, you need to soften them over a flame. This makes them more manageable and also brings out a different layer of flavor. I suggest you get your ass down to this first.<br />
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Now juice enough sour (Seville) oranges to get about a gallon of juice. Blend 4 cups of juice with 3 oz of achiote paste, 2 large onions (2 cups), 5 or 6 tomatoes (3 cups) and 2 or 3 large anaheim chiles. Add to the rest of the juice and set aside<br />
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Boil and mash 4 lbs of starchy potatoes, then mix with about a cup of the previous mixture to color. Set aside.<br />
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This is corn masa. You've heard of it, I know. Get yourself 9 lbs. Add about 1/2 of the remaining orange juice mixture and 2 lbs pork lard. Mix by hand, tear your fucking rotator cuff while doing so and add the mashed potatoes. You may need to add more liquid untill you achieve the desired texture... which can only be explained by these pics. Season everything with kosher salt and move on.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEE2F6ybFzD7IwYsJX64Xnrpb4G09nVUMHdNW-WoOTzl-ypL8abNBj7dYpROixh-5zSd4Hm2RCXeA1L0wRkK1XcVS5woNiSQkyjd1fj3QIt2nv2kNK5SYzYAukhMGmbqGXC2U0OpyGtnk/s1600/IMG_2408.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEE2F6ybFzD7IwYsJX64Xnrpb4G09nVUMHdNW-WoOTzl-ypL8abNBj7dYpROixh-5zSd4Hm2RCXeA1L0wRkK1XcVS5woNiSQkyjd1fj3QIt2nv2kNK5SYzYAukhMGmbqGXC2U0OpyGtnk/s320/IMG_2408.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, the porcine goodness....</td></tr>
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Since my guess is that banana leaves are hard to come by wherever you are, ready some aluminum foil. Now place a large banana leaf on your foil and add about 1/2 a cup of masa. Top with a little bit of everything and roll. Tuck the outer edges underneath and then wrap the whole thing in foil as neatly and tightly as possible. It must be waterproof.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The fact that there is a nonagenarian nicaraguan grandmother calmly and solemnly overseeing the whole operation speaks of its autheticity</td></tr>
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Repeat about 72 times.<br />
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Boil for about 2 hours, then allow about 15 minutes to cool outside the boiling water before unwrapping. Alternatively, you can freeze them like this and just boil them for 3 hours straight out of the freezer.<br />
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Serve with some french bread and butter and a really strong cup of coffee for breakfast, or a really cold beer for any other time.<br />
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Printer Friendly Version: Nacatamales<br />
Yields 68-70 servings<br />
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9lbs masa<br />
4lbs mashed potatoes<br />
2 lbs pork lard, melted<br />
1 gallon sour orange juice<br />
3 bars (90z) achiote paste<br />
3 cups uncooked rice<br />
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2.5 lbs pork spare ribs, cut in chunks<br />
5 lbs por tenderloin, cut in chunks<br />
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6 potatoes<br />
6 onions<br />
6 green bell peppers<br />
12 (or so) large tomatoes<br />
1 large jar olives<br />
1 small jar capers<br />
Raisins<br />
Prunes<br />
Peppermint<br />
Bird chiles<br />
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Banana leaves<br />
Aluminum foil<br />
Kosher salt<br />
<ol>
<li>Marinate the pork separately overnight in some achiote paste dissolved in some sour orange juice</li>
<li>Soak the rice overnight in enough water to cover it by 1/2 inch and 3 Tbsps achiote paste</li>
<li>Blend 4 cups OJ with 2 large onions, 5 large tomatoes and 2 or 3 large anaheim chiles. Mix with the rest of the juice and set aside</li>
<li>Roast the banana leaves over a flame</li>
<li>Cut the rest of the vegetables in thick matchsticks and set aside</li>
<li>Mix the masa, lard and mashed potatoes in a big-ass tub and add enough orange juice mixture until it has the consistency of toothpaste. Season with kosher salt.</li>
<li>Lay a large piece of foil before you, top with a banana leaf, then laddle 1/2 cup of masa on top.</li>
<li>Layer the fillings anyway you want inside.</li>
<li>Roll tightly with the banana leaf, then the foil.</li>
<li>Boil for about 2 hours, then set aside to cool slightly</li>
<li>Un-wrap, peel, serve and be FUCKING AWESOME</li>
</ol>
<a href="http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/misc-freddie-mercury-l.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="303" src="http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/misc-freddie-mercury-l.png" width="320" /></a><br /><ol>
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<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-83643184804389313882012-01-20T23:36:00.000-08:002012-01-20T23:36:02.867-08:00Shrimp AguachileMy apologies for the unusually long absense, readers. I'm happy to inform you that, as of two weeks ago, I got a seemingly kick-ass job as chief of Surgery at a local General Hospital. The past fortnight brought a lot of unexpected change. What this means for this blog is that, as time progresses, my histrionism will increase exponentially. Expect to see flames, booze, exotic animals and my glorious beer gut. It also means that, due to the disproportionally undercompensated shitload of work I'm doing, updates will be reduced to bi-weekly.<div>
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So, to ease you into this new phase of extreme awesomeness, I'll continue the thread of more mundane recipes started with the last post. Today we're cooking my favorite shrimp dish: Aguachile.</div>
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This is seriously sexy shit we're dealing with, motherfuckers. I will take no blame for any unexpected pregnancies, although I'm more than happy to share the credit for an athletic session of bumping uglies. Aguachile is a very simple dish originated in the mexican state of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinaloa" target="_blank">Sinaloa</a>, famous worldwide for its <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinaloa_Cartel" target="_blank">drug traffic</a>, crime,<a href="http://www.google.com.mx/search?hl=es&q=sinaloa&gs_sm=&gs_upl=&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&biw=1366&bih=643&ix=hea&ion=1&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=0GIaT9PyC8nFsQL_z4ziCw#um=1&hl=es&tbs=isz:m&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=sinaloa+mujeres+hermosas&oq=sinaloa+mujeres+hermosas&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=5957l6912l1l7041l9l6l0l0l0l0l609l609l5-1l1l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=b30a91f076071027&biw=1366&bih=643" target="_blank"> insanely hot women</a> and seafood. It has long been regarded as a potent aphrodisiac by people who fuck like rabbits anyway, but you might as well give it a shot.</div>
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Start with a pound of medium sized shrimp, peeled and deveined. It's very important that you place all the shrimp in a collander and keep any and all liquid that oozes from them. This is the reason the dish is called Aguachile (Chilli water) in the first place.</div>
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If you've never deveined a shrimp, pay attention, player: Lay your shrimp flat on a cutting board and make a very shallow cut witha very sharp knife along its outer edge. Now, squeeze it lightly and expose all the shit, then scrape it out with the tip of the knife.
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyYtz6a9I_L-35voBJ9VxZ1naVgJe4lpJY2gOEOUVgED-o3hh8G8G0eTh7ueKna60dcrZbsK2de-MlxkBNg1GAkXOcDQKwl1y0iR1KG5pyNfEeinUCJp_dF-gdsM70uVrd85DJnX20QeU/s1600/DSCF4101.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyYtz6a9I_L-35voBJ9VxZ1naVgJe4lpJY2gOEOUVgED-o3hh8G8G0eTh7ueKna60dcrZbsK2de-MlxkBNg1GAkXOcDQKwl1y0iR1KG5pyNfEeinUCJp_dF-gdsM70uVrd85DJnX20QeU/s320/DSCF4101.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shrimp guts!</td></tr>
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Take a large red onion and slice it thinly into plumes. (Mini Sheldon moment: Plumes are thin sections cut with the grain of the onion, along the direction of the root ends. Mezzalunas, or half-moons, are cut aginst the grain, perpendicular to the root. Plumes are less likely to make your bitch eyes cry and look better anyway). Take as many fresh green <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serrano_pepper" target="_blank">serrano peppers</a> as your pussy-ass digestive tract can handle (in this case, about 2 oz) and jullienne them as thin as you can, seeds and all. Set aside.</div>
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Get your lovely victi-- <i>assistant</i> to peel, seed and slice 2 large cucumbers while you handle all the heat like a man. Keep your suffering to yourself, and for the love of Odin, wash your hands.</div>
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These are <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiltepin" target="_blank">chiltepines</a>, </i>a variety of bird chile that's mostly endemic to Northern Mexico, yet was named the "Official Native Pepper of Texas in 1997". Down here they're sold either picked green and packed in salt and garlic or pickled in vinegar, or sun-ripened and dried. The dried variety can rank up to 100,000 Scoville Heat Units, making it about 70% as hot as a habanero. They're fucking awesome, we put'em on everything. Get yourself about 2 Tbsps and grind them in a mortar. </div>
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Get yourself 2 cups of persian or key lime juice. Mix the shrimp and their liquid, onions, chiltepines, serranos, lime juice a LOT of cracked pepper and some salt in a bowl. Fridgerate for 2 hours.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi30mh3o8tr582O0L3IVfxnT_icFoTeGCyMGqeyr0uoMi1Y3XEiOR2fK4gMGnCBaFXmkd_YbjXa5f-AxXV7UYkw1LrmfNevFgSkkBZxKlYGnsKlGCeYGZSmlL1FzjRQ58X2QYSDjyIyWW0/s1600/DSCF4094.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi30mh3o8tr582O0L3IVfxnT_icFoTeGCyMGqeyr0uoMi1Y3XEiOR2fK4gMGnCBaFXmkd_YbjXa5f-AxXV7UYkw1LrmfNevFgSkkBZxKlYGnsKlGCeYGZSmlL1FzjRQ58X2QYSDjyIyWW0/s320/DSCF4094.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWtgzV7fM7tTNFNbGu6FjeJQcqXiTaR5mlw7SW_cTaSlc2ZLv1V7RAGejfQNkvoIeDFzK6xnyJn1Yo7pT2edQ6HTXv4yQPQg5sVbiU5DWOhMBuzTGoS0_86_VVhcukoVDxx3hErKZTwZM/s1600/DSCF4098.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWtgzV7fM7tTNFNbGu6FjeJQcqXiTaR5mlw7SW_cTaSlc2ZLv1V7RAGejfQNkvoIeDFzK6xnyJn1Yo7pT2edQ6HTXv4yQPQg5sVbiU5DWOhMBuzTGoS0_86_VVhcukoVDxx3hErKZTwZM/s320/DSCF4098.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Concentrated Shrimp Distillate</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTFkaO3bg6ZaZZ8LaRORYoiFvHiDJdyhJb7NZLPfUUNFO1TsewYxtsTSEmZAQcxR741I3evsjb516GAJFv5-ZbBKUAxK_88BrFG7EexF4bhDLSYsGqvf_AKA6YWG-cgfXGx7hUMzcEn_M/s1600/DSCF4099.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTFkaO3bg6ZaZZ8LaRORYoiFvHiDJdyhJb7NZLPfUUNFO1TsewYxtsTSEmZAQcxR741I3evsjb516GAJFv5-ZbBKUAxK_88BrFG7EexF4bhDLSYsGqvf_AKA6YWG-cgfXGx7hUMzcEn_M/s320/DSCF4099.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See how the shrimp turn pink after cooking in acid?</td></tr>
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After 2 hours, add the cucumbers and wait another hour. The cucumbers will release a lot of water and bring the acidity down a few notches.</div>
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As you can see, this is a kind of ceviche, which is essentially seafood protein denatured (thus cooked) in acid. This must be eaten promptly to avoid contamination and any leftovers must be consumed within 48 hours. To serve, put a litlle mayonaise on a tostada, then spoon some drained aguachile on it. Top with some chopped cilantro and some avocado slices and get ready to have your brains blown the fuck out of your head.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy80IV5n3RwWaJDpneiOyzA9i9wo_PGrFoE3xK2QNkyCtP_EknLLBE2EoJwNZaNdGUvK41nYfKZLWl0EKUXIuOLgVjN0NuiIry2suFzNi_VGRRGYY2iMHZCEGLkzuME3ByATmJKCq8W4o/s1600/DSCF4209.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy80IV5n3RwWaJDpneiOyzA9i9wo_PGrFoE3xK2QNkyCtP_EknLLBE2EoJwNZaNdGUvK41nYfKZLWl0EKUXIuOLgVjN0NuiIry2suFzNi_VGRRGYY2iMHZCEGLkzuME3ByATmJKCq8W4o/s320/DSCF4209.JPG" width="320" /></a><a href="http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/surprised-omg-l.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/surprised-omg-l.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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Just when you thought you were spared the agony: <span style="color: red;">SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!</span></div>
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It is KEY that any liquid present at the time of consumption be alcoholic. Chiles contain <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/10/cooking-lessons-2-dont-be-pussy-chiles.html" target="_blank">capsaicin</a> and capsidiol, both potent alkaloids. After the initial capsaicin insult, capsidiol will induce the massive release of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endorphins" target="_blank">endorphins</a> in your brain, which lead to stimulation of the brain's pleasure centers. This is a natural mechanism to counteract the feeling of Satan taking a shit in your mouth. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piperine" target="_blank">Piperine</a> in the pepper will stimulate vasodilation and accelerate your metabolism, increasing your heart rate and body temperature.</div>
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A vasodilated, endorphin-laden brain will surely succumb to the power of beer. Provided you actually posess some kind of personality, there's a 90% chance of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm" target="_blank">multiple orgasms</a> here. Science backs me up, bro.</div>
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Printer-Friendly Version</div>
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Shrimp Aguachile</div>
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Makes a lot</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
1 lb medium raw shrimp, peeled and deveined. Any liquid reserved.</div>
<div>
1 large red onion, sliced thinly</div>
<div>
2 oz fresh green serrano peppers, julienned, seeds kept</div>
<div>
2 Tbsps dried chiltepines or Thai bird chiles, ground</div>
<div>
2 Tbsps cracked black pepper</div>
<div>
2 cups lime juice</div>
<div>
2 cucumbers, peeled, seeded and sliced thinly</div>
<div>
Sea salt, cilantro, mayonaise, avocados and tostadas.</div>
<div>
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<ol>
<li>Prep the shrimp and vegetables, reserve the cucumbers. </li>
<li>Mix the chiles, lime juice, pepper, shirmp and their liquid in a bowl and marinate for 2 hours.</li>
<li>Add the cucumbers and let sit if the fridge for another 45 to 60 minutes.</li>
<li>Serve on tostadas, topped with avocado and cilantro.</li>
<li>Get drunk</li>
<li>Hump</li>
<li>Be fucking awesome, you glorious motherfucker, you...</li>
<li>Thank me on the comments section</li>
</ol>
</div>
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<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-36292212054085010502011-12-28T10:54:00.000-08:002011-12-28T11:35:27.354-08:00Lasagna BologneseI was about to type a blog entry on Central American Tamales when this came along. And I have to admit, with perfect timing. I've come to realize no one ever cooks anything I post here. The main complaint has always been "too specialized for me". WHAT?! Are you fucking kidding me, people? The fact that an unmarried, self-taught, possibly alcoholic food enthusiast with absolutely no special tools can cook these recipes is the perfect evidence of their feasability.<br />
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<br />
So in order to prove this, Ass-face here was recruited to cook:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaB5XxYajClSjy86S_o_xL4TjL0ogxKS4A50R_IfkZiTAoB4T0bHSIZOOhGKUhp_1K3ZSFuom203tqCOWQPQlfowCn5nkMrzaIz8aah6Q2_3-HmyVAxH5J2PMCBulS38zGlKcsnblQ4mk/s1600/IMG_2773.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaB5XxYajClSjy86S_o_xL4TjL0ogxKS4A50R_IfkZiTAoB4T0bHSIZOOhGKUhp_1K3ZSFuom203tqCOWQPQlfowCn5nkMrzaIz8aah6Q2_3-HmyVAxH5J2PMCBulS38zGlKcsnblQ4mk/s200/IMG_2773.JPG" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meet my sister's boyfriend: Ass-Face</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
An cook he did. Not only that, but he survived a relentless barrage of insults on par with <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/" target="_blank">Sgt Hartman in "Full Metal Jacket"</a> and didn't so much as blink. I tip my hat to you, Ass-Face.<br />
<br />
It's back to basics day (after all, Ass-face IS severly retarded), and we're making a classic Lasagna Bolognese from scratch.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!</span></div>
<br />
<a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kp217bc26j1qzkm1lo1_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kp217bc26j1qzkm1lo1_400.jpg" width="133" /></a>The origins of lasagna are lost in time. There are several theories. Some state that it's derived from other ancient greek dishes, like Moussaka or Laganon. Laganon was made by layering thin strips of dough over meat. Others contend that it comes from "lasanon", the latin word for the dish it was cooked in. Yet tomatoes were only available in Europe after Columbus set foot in the Americas, and the earliest written evidence of their culinary use was recorded by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pietro_Andrea_Mattioli" target="_blank">Pietro Andrea Mattioli</a> in 1557. Before that, dumbass europeans thought they were poisonous.<br />
<br />
So there's no definitive way to cook lasagna, save for whatever your most well-acquainted italian grandma used to make. No transgressions here.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">END SHELDON MOMENT</span></div>
<br />
First things first: The Pasta. Precooked shit is not so good. While it can save your ass in a hurry, in tends to dissolve in the sauce. American noodles are not porous enough to hold the sauces properly, so stay away from them. Italian dried pasta, when fresh lasagna is not readily available, is just perfect.<br />
<br />
Boil a pot of water, then place your noodles on a flat baking dish and soak them in the boiling water for 20 minutes. Don't boil them like regular pasta, otherwise they'll disintegrate and you'll look like an idiot.<br />
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While the pasta soaks, start the meat sauce. Make a mire-poix with a whole onion, 4 celery ribs and a large carrot (not pictured), and let it sweat for a few minutes in some good old olive oil.<br />
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Next, add a pound of whatever ground meat you have on hand. In this case, pork. Brown it evenly while pushing the vegetables away and mix it all when the meat is uniformly gray. Add 2 garlic cloves, crushed.<br />
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Next, add about 3 Tablespoons of tomato paste and stir until completely absorbed.<br />
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Once the meat is impregnated with the tomato paste, add some parmessan cheese, 250 ml of crushed tomatoes, 500ml of beef stock, oregano, salt, pepper and red pepper flakes. Stir to combine and let reduce until most of the liquid evaporates.<br />
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<br />
Now on to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechamel" target="_blank">Bechamel</a> sauce.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!</span></div>
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Fuck! This is a first! Two Sheldon moments in the same recipe! You'll hate me, I know. The great <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auguste_Escoffier" target="_blank">Auguste Escoffier</a> took <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antoine_Car%C3%AAme" target="_blank">Antonin Careme's</a> list of sauces and came up with the 5 "mother sauces" of french cuisine. Yes, I know, lasagna is italian. Just wait for it. Bechamel sauce is an elaboration on another Tuscan sauce called "salsa colla", imported to French courts by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catherine_de%27_Medici" target="_blank">Catherine de Medici</a> in the late 1500s. To this day, it's called "balsamella" in northern italian kitchens.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">END SHELDON MOMENT</span></div>
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Bechamel is made by mixing scalded milk with a white roux. Boil 500ml of milk, then immediately turn the heat off. Continue by slowly melting 2 Tbsps of butter in a large sauce pan. Once it bubbles and before it browns, add 2 Tbsps all purpouse flour and whisk furiously over a medium flame to cook away the raw flour taste. Once it starts turning a pale yellow, add 1/2 cup of scalded milk and dissolve whatever lumps may form. Now add the rest of the milk, salt and pepper and stir until creamy. Set aside.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Motherfucker got it right on the first try.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
On to the building. Pre-heat your oven to 425°F. Thoroughly butter 2 aluminum loaf pans. Now laddle some tomato sauce on the bottom to prevent sticking. Layer some pasta, then some meat sauce, then some chopped basil leaves, then some shredded mozzarella cheese and then some bechamel. Repeat in this same order until reaching the top of the loaf pans (3x), then finish with pasta, bechamel and an assload of cheese.<br />
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Place on a baking tray on the top oven rack for 20 minutes and wait at least 15 minutes to slice and serve.<br />
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<br />
Printer Friendly Version<br />
Lasagna Bolognese<br />
Serves 6<br />
<br />
1 box italian lasagna noodles<br />
Butter<br />
Shredded mozzarella cheese<br />
Parmessan cheese<br />
<br />
Meat Sauce:<br />
1 large onion, chopped<br />
4 celery ribs, chopped<br />
2 small carrots, chopped<br />
1 lb ground animal (pork, beef, veal, whatever)<br />
2 garlic cloves, crushed.<br />
3 Tbsps tomato paste<br />
1 8Oz container of crushed tomatoes<br />
16 Oz beef stock<br />
Oregano, basil, salt, pepper and parmessan cheese to taste<br />
Olive oil<br />
<br />
Bechamel Sauce:<br />
2 Tbsps butter<br />
2 Tbsps flour<br />
16 Oz milk, scalded<br />
Salt and pepper to taste<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Preheat oven to 425°F, butter 2 aluminum loaf pans. Set aside.</li>
<li>Soak your noodles in boiling water until softened but not cooked through, then dain and cover.</li>
<li>Sauté the onion, carrot and celery in olive oil until translucent, then add the meat and brown evenly. Add the tomato paste and stir for 2 minutes, then add the rest of the ingredients and reduce until thick. Reserve.</li>
<li>Melt 2 Tbsps butter over a medium flame, then add 2 Tbsps flour and cook lightly. SLowly add the milk until combined and thickened.</li>
<li>Spoon some tomato sauce on the bottom of the loaf pans, then layer pasta, meat sauce, basil leaves, cheese and bechamel. Repeat 3 times and finish with pasta.</li>
<li>Top with the remaining bechamel and more cheese, then bake for 20 minutes.</li>
<li>Be fucking awesome</li>
</ol>
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If you've never eaten <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venison" target="_blank">venison</a>, I pity you. Seriously, I do. Any excuse for not eating it sucks ass. You may live in a place where it's unobtainable. You may be too poor to actually afford it. You may be too much of a pussy to hunt one. Or you can be one of those ridiculous motherfuckers that won't eat venison because deer "are cute and smart". If the later is the case, are you fucking kidding me? Pigs are ranked right above dogs in terms of animal intelligence, and I can bet my left nut you love bacon.<br />
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Granted, there's a risk of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_wasting_disease" target="_blank">Chronic Wasting Disease</a>, a spongiform encephalopathy akin to Mad Cow Disease, but the disease's incidence and prevalence are so low, the risk is practically negligible.<br />
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So get your Disney-watching ass over here and let's cook some fucking Bambi!<br />
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This is the hind quarter of a young deer of unknown species. There are essentially 2 species bred for <a href="http://www.sonoraturismo.gob.mx/RCinegeticos.php" target="_blank">hunting in Sonora</a>: Mule (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odocoileus_hemionus" target="_blank">Odocoileus hemionus</a>) and White-tail (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odocoileus_virginianus" target="_blank">Odocoileus virginianus</a>). White tail deer is severly endangered down here, so this is most likely, Mule-deer.<br />
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Trimming the meat yields 3 4lb denver roasts and 3 lbs of assorted chunks, fit for a stew. We'll take 2 Denver roasts, split them lenghtwise down the middle and reserve.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Deer butt cheeks</td></tr>
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One of the main complaints of anti-cervidovores is the intense game flavor of the meat. This can be due to a number of factors, including the animal's age, diet, method of slaughter and whether or not you're a punk-ass pussy motherfucker that can't take serious meat. Personally, I fucking love the taste of fresh venison, but for the sake of world peace, we're marinating these babies.<br />
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So take 1 cup of Merlot, 1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar, 1/3 cup light soy sauce, 1/3 cup of dark soy sauce, 3 garlic cloves, 2 Tbsps of mixed peppercorns and a sprig of fresh rosemary and blend them together. Now place the venison in nature's perfect marinating device (ziploc bags) and divide the marinade accordingly. Leave in the fridge overnight.<br />
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Now let's make the glaze: Place 3 cups of Merlot in a saucepan, along with 2 cups balsamic vinegar, 1 cup light soy sauce, 1/3 cup honey and a sprig of fresh rosemary and gently simmer until reduced by 1/3. This will ensure most of the alcohol has evaporated. Once it starts to thicken, add 3 Tbsps dark soy sauce. We don't add this before because it has some starch that may thicken the glaze before the alcohol evaporates. Finally, dissolve 3 Tbsps cornstarch in 3 Tbsps cold water, take the pot off the fire and stir the slurry in. Keep refrigerated until it's time to use.<br />
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Now the next day, start your coals and let them burn down to white hot. Once they're thoroughly lit, sprinkle some ashes on your coals to ensure even heat distribution.<br />
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While your coals light up, make some roast potatoes. These were nuked for a few minutes to par-boil, then tossed in olive oil, a little lemon juice, salt, pepper, lots of parmessan cheese and some rosemary. Finally we baked them for 20 minutes to brown. If you need more detailed instructions to make something as mundane as roast potatoes, you're in deep shit, dude. You shouldn't be left alone in the kitchen.<br />
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Place your roasts over the white-hot coals for 5 minutes per side to sear. Do not move them around in this first stage or you'll fuck up the grill marks and no crust will develop. Once the meat is seared all over, move to indirect heat and cook for another 15 to 20 minutes, or until an instant-read thermometer reads 165°F in the thickest part. Slice on a bias against the grain.<br />
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Yes, the meat will be a little below medium, but it's so lean, it takes nothing to over-cook it and having Bambi die for nothing.<br />
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Now build the dish: Squeeze some glaze in the bottom of the plate, then paint with a spoon. Fan out some venison slices, then a few potato wedges. That's fucking it.
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I'm no chef or food stylist, but this looks fucking great, IMHO.<br />
<br />
Printer Friendly Version<br />
Roast Venison with Balsamic Reduction Glaze<br />
Serves 10-12<br />
<br />
2 4lb Denver roasts of venison, psplit lenghtwise<br />
<br />
Marinade<br />
1 cup of Merlot<br />
1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar<br />
1/3 cup light soy sauce<br />
1/3 cup of dark soy sauce<br />
3 garlic cloves<br />
2 Tbsps of mixed peppercorns<br />
1 sprig fresh rosemary<br />
<br />
Glaze<br />
3 cups Merlot<br />
2 cups balsamic vinegar<br />
1 cup light soy sauce<br />
1/3 cup honey<br />
1 sprig of fresh rosemary<br />
3 Tbsps dark soy sauce.<br />
3 Tbsps cornstarch + 3 Tbsps cold water<br />
<ol>
<li>Mix all the marinade ingredients and place in a ziploc bag along with the meat. Marinate for 8 -12 hours.</li>
<li>Mix the first 5 glaze ingredients in a saucepan and reduce by 1/3, then take off the fire and add the remaining 2. Reserve.</li>
<li>Grill the meat 3 to 5 mins per side over white-hot coals, then move to indirect heat for 15 minutes, or until an instant-read thermometer reads 165°F.</li>
<li>Slice, serve, kick ass, blow minds. Get laid like Tiger Woods.</li>
</ol>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/png/misc-all-the-things.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/png/misc-all-the-things.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">EAT ALL THE ANIMALS!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-17654726969957581902011-12-14T11:02:00.000-08:002011-12-15T16:29:36.472-08:00Mexicanized Thai Pumpkin Custard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="text-align: justify;">Fusion food makes me cringe. Seriously. You know why? Taco Bell. I fucking hate it. It's insulting and disgusting, it perpetuates stereotypes and its very existence is an affront to my ancestry. Some may argue that it's not fusion food at all, but a cheap knock-off, but I beg to differ. </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fusion_food" style="text-align: justify;" target="_blank">Fusion cuisine</a><span style="text-align: justify;"> derives from the coalescence of different styles and techniques that ultimately leads to an uncategorizable product. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/32/Glen_Bell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/32/Glen_Bell.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glen_Bell" target="_blank">Glen Bell</a> (may he rot in hell) bastardized mexican food and created something that is not entirely mexican, yet not entirely american, but still pallatable to the uneducated masses.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But then again, there's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creole_cuisine" target="_blank">creole food</a>. The fusion of american ingredients with african and french dishes that created some of the most amazing food you'll ever taste.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCe6FNhwtMnG7rvRvHBYQSuHmvKuymeaVuuopkJwAUVmQKEmaXo-xrn-5k3jkYmV52oylUR5kpYvcg8SdJdHKfeObqa2S0w7gdLZMpZfazkPuJD5ZrUAyplvY0lMZvF9IuF5w1DT8md10/s1600/Cooking_Creole.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCe6FNhwtMnG7rvRvHBYQSuHmvKuymeaVuuopkJwAUVmQKEmaXo-xrn-5k3jkYmV52oylUR5kpYvcg8SdJdHKfeObqa2S0w7gdLZMpZfazkPuJD5ZrUAyplvY0lMZvF9IuF5w1DT8md10/s200/Cooking_Creole.jpg" width="138" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yucat%C3%A1n#Food" target="_blank">yucatecan food</a>, amalgamating nahuatl, mayan, spanish and french cuisine into a paradoxically well-rounded but explosive cuisine. So... mixed feelings... I guess given enough time, customs will evolve from forced adaptations into entites of their own. In the meantime, however, modern approaches to fusion tend to sadly stride on the Taco Bell side of the spectrum.</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.yucatanliving.com/article-photos/news/05052008/food.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://www.yucatanliving.com/article-photos/news/05052008/food.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This whole diatribe is my fucked-up way of apologizing to any Thai readers who might read this post and to justify the betrayal of my own beliefs for the sake of deliciousness. It's also a way to fill this post with text, because this recipe is just too damn easy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A traditional Thai custard (Sangkhaya fak thong) is based on a similar recipe from Cambodia, that in turn can be traced back to Portugal, thanks to the influence of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Guyomar_de_Pinha" target="_blank">Maria Guyomar de Pinha</a> on the Ayutthaya Kingdom. (HOLY FUCK, I'M GOOD!). It's essentially a flan steamed inside a pumpkin. Everybody knows that traditional asian cuisine is not big on dairy, so the milk and cream from the flan were substituted with their coconut counterparts, aromatized with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandanus_amaryllifolius" target="_blank">pandan leaves</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finding pandan leaves in Mexico is about as easy as finding a coral snake in Thailand, so here's where the fusion part starts. Thai technique, mexican ingredients.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Start with a smallish <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabocha" target="_blank">Kabocha</a> pumpkin. This one is about 12 inches in diameter. I fucking love kabochas because of their extremely low moisture content, sweet flavor and silky texture. Cut the top off and scrape out all of the innards. Rinse it down to ensure no placental membranes remain to fuck up the final presentation of the dish and set aside.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now take 4 eggs, 1 can condensed milk, 1 can evaporated milk, 1 Tbsp powdered cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extranct and whisk until combined. You don't want to incorporate too much air into the mix, otherwise the bubbles will fuck up the final texture.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wrap the pumpkin loosely in aluminum foil (this will be a sling to pull it out of the steamer) and pour the custard mixture into it. Now set it in a steamer and forget about it or 45 to 60 minutes. Since it's steamed, there's no way to overcook it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let it cool down to room temperature before slicing (otherwise the custard will separate from the pumpkin) and serve in wedges, like a pie. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO9XzQiOuGHfnVGB49g1n3e1Nsg4G12zpI-NR97DSFlgG0bQevqk8rIjBCQwhO5rNy6HGv4WkHKxkTWXvRxTz2CPZSietYKWaVCuSbOSEJ_rKiBXgStRWE3D6gZpXVTfdDY4LEzr2qRlc/s1600/IMG_2494.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO9XzQiOuGHfnVGB49g1n3e1Nsg4G12zpI-NR97DSFlgG0bQevqk8rIjBCQwhO5rNy6HGv4WkHKxkTWXvRxTz2CPZSietYKWaVCuSbOSEJ_rKiBXgStRWE3D6gZpXVTfdDY4LEzr2qRlc/s320/IMG_2494.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Simple brown sugar and clove syrup</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Printer-friendly version</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Flan de Calabaza / Pumpkin Custard</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 medium kabocha pumpkin</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 can sweetened condensed mil</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 can evaporated milk</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4 large eggs</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2 teaspoons vanilla extract</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 Tbsp powdered cinnamon</span></div>
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Slice the top off the pumpkin, hollow it out and wrap it loosely in foil.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mix the rest of the ingredients until combined and pour into the pumpkin.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Steam for 45 to 60 minutes, then let cool and slice</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fucking rule</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fucking leave a fuckin comment.</span></li>
</ol>
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</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-54936778577026298842011-12-07T22:10:00.001-08:002011-12-08T00:39:17.148-08:00Peanut Butter Cheesecake BrowniesLegend has it some old lady in the late 19th century was famous for her chocolate cakes. As time went by and her brain started rotting, fuck-ups were more and more frequent. One time, she forgot to add any leavening to her cake, resulting in a flat and dense piece of chocolate bread. As she was making this in a hurry to entertain guests, she had no choice but to serve this turd-like montrosity and bite the fucking bullet.<br />
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Turns out her guests raved about it; and, like any normal, red blooded woman, she fucking lied through her teeth and said it was intentional. The brownie was born.<br />
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The recipe has changed over the years, becoming more dense and fudge-like as time passes. Still, being essentially a piece of unleavend bread, it's a staple in every retarded cook's home. Since it's already a fucked-up chocolate cake, it is nigh impossible to fuck up a brownie (though I've seen it happen), so fat kids everywhere burn their sausage-like little fingers every afternoon making litle squares of diabetes from a box.<br />
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I say fuck boxes. My atheromas will not be composed of boxed shit. My arteries will be lined with expensive cholesterol. The excess glucose in my blood will encrust my pancreas with diamonds. If I'm going, I'm going with style.<br />
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Which is why we're fucking doing this LIVE! With SHORTENING! Trans fats extremists be fucked.<br />
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Preheat your oven to 325°F. Grease a brownie tray and set it aside.<br />
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You'll need 8 ounces of semisweet baking chocolate. Melt if over a double broiler or nuke it in 30 second intervals stirring frequently until completely liquid.<br />
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Now, good chocolate can be a rare commodity, so sometimes you need to improvise. Whenever I lack good chocolate I prefer to substitute with cocoa powder instead of buying shitty chocolate bars. It's simple: I know what goes in, I control the percentage of cocoa solids and sweetness. So to make 8 oz of baking chocolate from powder, you'll need to melt 4 Tablespoons of vegetable shortening (or oil, if you're too much of a pussy) and dissolve 12 Tablespoons of cocoa powder in it while it's still hot. Then, you will add 9 Tablespoons white sugar and whisk until silky and smooth. I like to do this by hand with a whisk because the cocoa is a very fine powder and it will fly all over the kitchen if an electric mixer is used.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeap, shortening. Hide yo' kids... Don't be a pussy, it's 4 Tablespoons </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLlgpw-ZLm7DJ2-mCmqbCuj_raN1D4P6O41dvw0Ax6Bu15F8isUp1lSoKMca347qx7KaGKqfwIQqH3zSOiTdzz-UtNDbxkJ2tJ6cz7uUQvbUlRqT1wuLnApUFbYF9QD2qPJAymWPenXxg/s1600/IMG_2555.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLlgpw-ZLm7DJ2-mCmqbCuj_raN1D4P6O41dvw0Ax6Bu15F8isUp1lSoKMca347qx7KaGKqfwIQqH3zSOiTdzz-UtNDbxkJ2tJ6cz7uUQvbUlRqT1wuLnApUFbYF9QD2qPJAymWPenXxg/s320/IMG_2555.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aaaah, all that warm, delicious fat</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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I know the math is off by about 6 Tablespoons, but trust me, 1 Tablespoon of cocoa powder weighs less than a Tablespoon of sugar. In the end, you'll be left with roughly 230g of pure chocolatey goodness. Once you're done, nuke it in 15 second intervals with a stick of butter and stir until smooth. Leave this aside to cool.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">Mini Sheldon Moment Alert!</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Chocolate (from the náhuatl <i>Xocolatl</i>: Bitter sour water, referring to the drink consumed by the aztecs) comes from the Cacao plant (<i>Theobroma cacao</i>). It's believed that cacao comes from the mayan <i>kawkaw</i>, meaning "food for the gods". Incidentally, <i>Theobroma</i> means the same in latin. </div>
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Moctezuma Xocoyotzin, the last aztec emperor before the spanish conquest, had one last truly diplomatic act: He served hot chocolate to Hernan Cortez, who immediately loved the drink and repaid Moctezuma's kindness by wiping away his entire civilization.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">End Mini Sheldon Moment</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
In a separate bowl, mix 2 whole eggs, 1/2 cup sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract until fluffy (5 mins, tops). I fucking hate the word fluffy, but there's no other adjective for this. Mix it slowly with the cooled chocolate-butter mixture. It will thicken fast.<br />
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Now add 1/2 cup all-purpouse flour and a pinch of salt and keep mixing until it resembles play-doh. Set aside.<br />
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Up to this point, you could bake this concoction and make some kick-ass brownies, but that would put you in the same level as any other fat kid with an oven. We need to kick this up a notch. We need cheesecake.<br />
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Take 1 bar (9 Oz) of cream cheese and 2/3 of a cup of your favorite peanut butter and soften them for a few seconds in the microwave oven. Beat them with 2 whole eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Stop after 5 minutes and add and 2 Tablespoons of flour and 2 Tablespoons of sour cream, beat for another 5 minutes.<br />
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On to the building: First, spread the chocolate play-doh on the mold, making sure it's even. Then slowly drop big dollops of the cream cheese mixture on it and smooth it out with a spatula. Place the mold in the middle of your oven and don't look at it for 30 to 35 mins. Take it out and let it cool to room temperature.<br />
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Depending on the shape of your mold, this recipe will yield 18 to 25 squares of chocolate-y awesomeness. Go and fucking blow those fat girl scouts out of the water.<br />
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Printer-Friendly Version:<br />
Peanut butter Cheesecake Brownies<br />
yields 18<br />
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Brownies:<br />
8 Oz semisweet baking chocolate (alternatively, 12 Tbsps cocoa powder, 9 Tbsps of sugar and 4 Tbsps of the fat of your choice)<br />
1 (3 Oz, 90 g) stick of butter<br />
2 large eggs<br />
1/2 cup of sugar<br />
1/2 cup all-purpose flour<br />
1 tsp vanilla extract<br />
1 tsp salt<br />
<br />
Peanut butter Cheesecake<br />
1 bar cream cheese<br />
2/3 cup peanut butter ( I use chunky, it saves me adding nuts)<br />
2 eggs<br />
1/2 cup sugar<br />
1 tsp vanilla extract<br />
1 tsp salt<br />
2 Tbsps (scant) all-purpouse flour)<br />
2 Tbsps sour (generous) sour cream<br />
<ol>
<li>Preheat your oven to 325°F. Grease a brownie mold. Line with parchment if you're insecure about your unmolding abilities.</li>
<li>Melt the chocolate and whisk with a stick of melted butter. Keep it above 90°F and never let it burn.</li>
<li>Beat the eggs, sugar, vanilla extract and salt on medium speed for 2 to 5 minutes, then pour slowly on the chocolate mixture. </li>
<li>Add 1/2 cup of flour slowly and keep mixing until combined.</li>
<li>Soften the cream cheese and peanut butter in the microwave oven, then beat the shit out of them on high. Add the rest of the ingredients and beat for 5 minutes.</li>
<li>Spread the brownie batter on your mold, then drop big dollops of the cream cheese mixture on top.</li>
<li>Place in the middle rack of your oven, away from the walls, and bake, undisturbed, for 30 minutes.</li>
<li>Let cool until just warm and cut.</li>
<li>Fucking rule whatever it is that need ruling.</li>
<li>Show some respect and leave a comment, you ungrateful fuck.</li>
</ol>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-46767316135049686322011-12-01T10:16:00.001-08:002011-12-02T20:49:40.151-08:00Curried Butternut Squash Soup<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://callate-y-come.blogspot.com/2011/12/sopa-de-calabaza-al-curry.html" target="_blank"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Versión en Español (clasificación C)</b></span></a></div>
A couple of weeks ago, some friends hosted a Thanksgiving dinner. Being an atheist mexican, I found it a little odd; but I'm certainly not one to pass on the oportunity to pig the fuck out with good friends. One thing though: half of the guests were vegetarian, one of them a vegan chef.<br />
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Not being one to shy away from a challenge, either, I decided to put all those pumpkins and squashes my grampa bought to good use. This is the glorious shit that came out of my experiments:</div>
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Preheat your oven to 180°C (350°F).</div>
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You start with a large butternut squash (<i>Cucurbita moschata</i>). This is probably one of the best-know kinds of squash, and with good reason. The flesh has very little moisture, and the flavor is sweet and slightly nutty, with a creamy texture and a ridiculously high yield of edible pulp. They are also high in fiber, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carotene" target="_blank">betacarotenes</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_E" target="_blank">vitamin E</a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium" target="_blank">magnesium</a>. Take one, split it down the middle and scrape all the disgusting shit form the inside. Set aside.</div>
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These are sweet potatoes (<i>Ipomoea batatas</i>). They're awesome. I fucking love sweet potatoes. They're high in iron, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_C" target="_blank">vitamin C</a>, carotenes, and fiber; they have a low glycemic index and they're just plain fucking delicious regardless of the application. Take 3 medium ones and poke them all over with a fork. This allows steam to escape the tough skin while roasting, otherwise they might explode inside your oven.</div>
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Now halve 2 very large onions (<i>Allium cepa</i>) and wrap them in foil.<br />
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I used a large chunk of pumpkin (<i>Cucurbita pepo var styriaca</i>), from an even larger pumpkin used in another recipe. You can substitute for whatever other kind of pumpkin you have at hand. Rub the other vegetables with olive oil and place them on a foil-lined baking tray. Place the sqhash and pumpkin skin-side-up to prevent over-browning. Roast for 90 minutes in a moderate oven, then take out and let cool to room temperature.</div>
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Now take 6 cups of vegetable stock (celery, carrots, leeks, onions, bay leaves and peppercorns... or, you know, 6 cubes, whatever) and add the flesh of all the vegetables. Purée with an immersion blender.</div>
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Add 3 Tbsps of indian curry powder and a lot of pepper and blend again.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVIxeqT4r-EJjONSU4ZWlajqUUswiayUpqcCXjFHhOKTjY4ZW2I0w1saucO-26lD0lcxCXwToyQ-dlCmbag9KoFgTWl6sMw5QfRRgaxQ4Bbb3aFBW9Ld3CEsIajMKiMkTYaBJ5E3ljPeg/s1600/IMG_2311.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVIxeqT4r-EJjONSU4ZWlajqUUswiayUpqcCXjFHhOKTjY4ZW2I0w1saucO-26lD0lcxCXwToyQ-dlCmbag9KoFgTWl6sMw5QfRRgaxQ4Bbb3aFBW9Ld3CEsIajMKiMkTYaBJ5E3ljPeg/s320/IMG_2311.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm using 4 peppers coz I'm a douche</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now, to help emulsify the soup, add a slurry made with another 2 cups of water and 3 heaping tablespoons of cornstarch. Stir constantly over a medium high flame until thickened.</div>
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Now this is awesome on its own, but fuck it! I'm a porkophile! So I decided to use pork rinds for croutons and add a dollop of sour cream. Heaven. Adding a few drops of <a href="http://theoatmeal.com/comics/sriracha" style="text-align: justify;" target="_blank">Sriracha</a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-align: justify;"> will make it taste and feel like angels are having a lesbian orgy in your mouth.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQPLxFpH7kChSEl7vi3JgqaMYTXzu0osl3tqgKxmh3Kx2QYZX0DbVon04QZr3lk35X61ZnNg-h4icqduSnz_S2DtF2VvO9abF9i3DTs9ZMypmUI95E7xn3YXYd5WI2cZwL6tHaV3dJ3ys/s1600/IMG_2357.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQPLxFpH7kChSEl7vi3JgqaMYTXzu0osl3tqgKxmh3Kx2QYZX0DbVon04QZr3lk35X61ZnNg-h4icqduSnz_S2DtF2VvO9abF9i3DTs9ZMypmUI95E7xn3YXYd5WI2cZwL6tHaV3dJ3ys/s320/IMG_2357.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fuck. Yeah.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Printer Friendly Version:<br />
Curried Butternut Squash Soup<br />
Serves 12<br />
<br />
1 large butternut squash<br />
3 medium sweet potatoes<br />
1 very small pumpkin<br />
2 large onions<br />
6 cups vegetable stock<br />
3 Tbsps indian curry<br />
2 cups water + 3 Tbsps cornstarch<br />
Olive oil<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
<br />
Optional: Pork rinds, sour cream, Sriracha<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Halve the onions, squash and pumpkin, rub with oil and place on a baking tray. Poke the sweet potatoes with a fork and give them the same treatment.</li>
<li>Roast the vegetables in a 350°F oven for 90 minutes, then let cool to room temperature.</li>
<li>Blend with the vegetable stock, curry powder, salt and pepper.</li>
<li>Add the slurry and heat until thickened</li>
<li>FUCKING RULE like the magnificent bastard you are.</li>
<li>Don't be a douche. Leave a comment.</li>
</ol>
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</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-3855449581443334282011-11-25T17:59:00.001-08:002011-11-25T22:56:11.736-08:00Crystalized PumpkinNorthern Mexico is probably best known for its beef, but there's obviously a lot more to our food than that. Roughly 30% of <a href="http://maps.google.com.mx/maps?q=maps+sonora&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:es-MX:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hq=&hnear=0x86982969e74dd20f:0xcd56ff1afcbbe374,Sonora&gl=mx&ei=8FTQTt-CDIH3sQK23uDGDg&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CB8Q8gEwAA">Sonora's</a> surface is desert, which means traditional dishes are simple and calorie-dense. So this being November, Mexican Cuisine Pride Month, I decided to try and make one of the most traditional sonoran desserts: Crystalized Pumpkin.<br />
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<br />
Pumpkins last for months without much need for special attention, and chances are you'll find them dirt-cheap just about anywhere around this date. It's the perfect occasion to step the fuck away from the canned shit and prove to yourself you have a moderate measure of usefulness.<br />
<br />
Start with a large pumpkin. A good way to tell if the pumpkin was vine-ripened is taking a good look at its overall shape and state of the stem. Vine-ripened pumpkins are somewhat flatter, since they're left on the ground longer. The skin is thick and irregular, but has no blemishes or scraped spots. The stems are thorougly dry and tough, much tougher than the skin, and the whole thing feels heavy for its size.<br />
<br />
This is a 16lb pumpkin I got from my grandfather. Clean the surface and split it open using a meat cleaver and a hammer. <br />
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Scrape all the shit from inside and throw it away, then rinse the pumpkin and cut it up into manageable sections.<br />
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Peel it with a knife, then chop it to evenly sized chunks, about 2
cubic inches each. You need them to be uniform so they'll cook evenly.
We're left with rougly 14 lbs of flesh.<br />
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This is calcium hydroxide, otherwise known as lime. Yeap, the same shit you'll find in construction sites. Don't be a fucking pussy, it's perfectly safe. We're soaking the pumpkin in a very alkaline solution before cooking, a process akin to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nixtamalization">nixtamalization </a>of corn.<br />
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<div style="color: red; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: red; text-align: center;">
<b>SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!</b></div>
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<br />
Plant
cell walls are soluble in alkaline solutions, which changes their
structure. The cells take up massive ammounts of calcium, which
increases the pumpkin's nutritional value. The alkaline solution
denaturizes most of the protein found in the pumpkin and breaks up its
sugars, essentially starting a chemical caramelization process. This
means the pumkpin will change its consistency and resist the long-ass
cooking time without disintegrating into a paste, which is good.<br />
<br />
If
you're too much of a pussy to use lime, you could use <a href="http://www.templeofthai.com/food/flour_sugar/redlimestonepaste-2520000168.php" target="_blank">red limestone</a>
from South Asian markets and pay dearly in both time and money; or you
could use baking powder and risk a bitter taste... ooooor you could just
grow a pair, it's up to you.<br />
<br />
Place the pumpkin chunks
in a very large pot and fill with enough water to cover it, then add 1
Tbsp lime for every pound of fruit. Give it a good stir and let it soak
for 24 hours. BE FUCKING CAREFUL, don't fuck around, don't breathe it
in, try not to get too much on your skin. If you do, rinse it off with
vinegar or you'll be <a href="http://www.graham-laming.com/bd/caustic_burns.gif" target="_blank">nixtamalizing your skin off.</a><br />
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The next day, take it outside and rinse it thoroughly with clean tap water a few times to get rid of the excess lime. Wash the pot and fill it with 2 cups of water for every pound of fruit. Add 1 lb of piloncillo for every 2 lbs of fruit, the peel from a few oranges, some cinamon sticks and a fistful of cloves to make a thin syrup.<br />
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Once the sugar dissolves, add the pumpkin, lower the flame to medium and just fucking forget about it until the syrup is thick and sticky. This being 16 fucking pounds, it took me 8 hours to cook the damn thing.<br />
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As with all crystalized fruits, you can take it out of the syrup, roll it un sugar and let it dry over night. We keep it in the syrup and store it in air-tight jars. It will last up to 6 months in your fridge.<br />
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Serve warm with some strong coffee, or pour it over vanilla ice cream. Be fucking awesome.<br />
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Printer-friendly version:<br />
Cubierto de Calabaza (Crystalized Pumpkin)<br />
Yields a fucking lot, adjust quantities following proportion<br />
<br />
14lbs of cubed raw pumpkin<br />
14 Tbsps lime<br />
Water<br />
<br />
7 lbs piloncillo<br />
3 Oz cinnamon sticks<br />
1/2 cup whole cloves<br />
Peel from 4 oranges.<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Once you've dealt with the pain in the ass that is prepping the pumpkin, soak it in a solution of water and lime for 24 hours. Rinse thoroughly.</li>
<li>Make a syrup using 2 cups of water and 1/2lb of piloncillo for every lb of pumpkin. Add cinnamon, cloves and orange peel (entirely up to you) and boil.</li>
<li>As soon as the syrup boils, turn the heat down to medium, add the pumpkin and cook until the syrup is reduced by half.</li>
<li>Be fucking awesome, mexican grampa style.</li>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKUIggn2p9kngTDdBvB38nfxnEv928juHnopjGdl4qSY8AtJbobf1czHAOvJIb_sLJUdxZ8o8MhGLEAJ8fPJGWw24zuFpf9ZdP3vzGPj4N0p3hYYm4z0ocgZnuPapGjM2Ngw0ZeDcosKo/s1600/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKUIggn2p9kngTDdBvB38nfxnEv928juHnopjGdl4qSY8AtJbobf1czHAOvJIb_sLJUdxZ8o8MhGLEAJ8fPJGWw24zuFpf9ZdP3vzGPj4N0p3hYYm4z0ocgZnuPapGjM2Ngw0ZeDcosKo/s200/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<ol>
</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-26447146136445974722011-11-03T01:19:00.000-07:002011-11-04T12:19:19.197-07:00Grilled Whole Prime Rib and Warm German Potato SaladI'm making a parenthesis from the promised mexican recipes to go international. This kind of beef deserves it. Turns out I got my carnivore paws on 36 (yes, thirty-six) lbs of some premium quality <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_rib">Prime Rib</a>. Sonoran beef is recognized worldwide as some of the best, with the <a href="http://www.ers.usda.gov/Publications/LDP/2011/08Aug/LDPM20601/">US importing over 1.8 million heads in 2009 alone</a>. We take our meat seriously.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.mexicopic.com/images/sonora-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="285" src="http://www.mexicopic.com/images/sonora-6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So it is, technically, mexican food</td></tr>
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So seriously, in fact, that I'm going full Sheldon mode on this post before actually getting to the cooking. Scroll down if you're the kind of ignorant slob that doesn't care about enlightment.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgldo6nuOx0VbGMBOvpUW7laW_nai531seDQwfmpDcW02AzAQS4uaRyBdYrhAThKvHiBJBDettyG9kfqXdxZi3Myk9yxu03_t71kFznz4pUwfLRZ5ZumP9y2yPDjm8AtU_1W6AHPJW0NRg/s1600/beef+cuts+diagram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgldo6nuOx0VbGMBOvpUW7laW_nai531seDQwfmpDcW02AzAQS4uaRyBdYrhAThKvHiBJBDettyG9kfqXdxZi3Myk9yxu03_t71kFznz4pUwfLRZ5ZumP9y2yPDjm8AtU_1W6AHPJW0NRg/s320/beef+cuts+diagram.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See there, where it conveniently says "rib"?</td></tr>
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Prime rib is one of the 8 primal cuts of beef. It's name stems from the fact that a number of other cuts derive from it, not from its quality. Semantics notwithstanding, however, even the shittiest cow will give great meat from this area. Here's why: it has the perfect ratio of meat:fat:bone to impart flavor and texture. The muscles involved are not regularly excersized, so they then to be a lot more tender than other parts. And fuck it, it just looks fucking awesome to hold it, Fred Flintstone-style.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDIMWtz1DiGHgdRbhvdQBBLAME-RVwR4KuZMp-yF9nL7KvxrhxKzqXlXlAZEtPxbCbAfhbyvxngd1BEQ7Vs91JidVZHjAMZB8Vfdn7W75DSNT7MiDaEGYmlzneKMaHV7tF5I5zAYIakyM/s1600/flintstones_ribs2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDIMWtz1DiGHgdRbhvdQBBLAME-RVwR4KuZMp-yF9nL7KvxrhxKzqXlXlAZEtPxbCbAfhbyvxngd1BEQ7Vs91JidVZHjAMZB8Vfdn7W75DSNT7MiDaEGYmlzneKMaHV7tF5I5zAYIakyM/s320/flintstones_ribs2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
So we're starting with a primal cut. This particular portion comes with a section of another cut: the brisket. We'll cover brisket in future posts, but sufice it to say the flat of the brisket covers a part of the ribs, so that will need to come off, along with most of the fat., Save the fat for cleaning the grill.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9WjFvgUo5b8D9L9L9zNaLXdt9CSVKG62i0Q4_tOZtgbe9RUWuAyPUfztyz3SouIbLxOxwurAp_ZUlrSdF8hMYsopiB8WlMYImQ43GJyKkA62L6j9mwhI2wS4Q11QXFZh2qin5VkZwW7E/s1600/IMG_1850.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9WjFvgUo5b8D9L9L9zNaLXdt9CSVKG62i0Q4_tOZtgbe9RUWuAyPUfztyz3SouIbLxOxwurAp_ZUlrSdF8hMYsopiB8WlMYImQ43GJyKkA62L6j9mwhI2wS4Q11QXFZh2qin5VkZwW7E/s320/IMG_1850.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lok at the SIZE of these fuckers</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQeccRgSmovwlzwvyKYaV30W3OxB_NkCcN-ou39okVpz0EQB4yuSz0uhnoBa0h3TEifnrW5E1jgSEHKX5OGS51LLHjMKLwkk8tV_dylnEgbpRmsiWIjzMETDRymfnDfp_9Th7G_eWl0G0/s1600/IMG_1877.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQeccRgSmovwlzwvyKYaV30W3OxB_NkCcN-ou39okVpz0EQB4yuSz0uhnoBa0h3TEifnrW5E1jgSEHKX5OGS51LLHjMKLwkk8tV_dylnEgbpRmsiWIjzMETDRymfnDfp_9Th7G_eWl0G0/s320/IMG_1877.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See that EPIC MARBLING right there!? and it was slaughtered 24hrs prior. Carnivore Nirvana right there</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNYOHL0rrpYumEHaZmfpP_KIjTNbXbJh2w3c7ytOFOv7kUQzaARyk6rP1J4VHbwawGGzDyY2UGD9iiZn9CQAMT05xgjyHDfsVgcyoO8M3E2k_rKh6x5Qp4vAcvMOrNUptmGhfPeZjva3s/s1600/IMG_1879.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNYOHL0rrpYumEHaZmfpP_KIjTNbXbJh2w3c7ytOFOv7kUQzaARyk6rP1J4VHbwawGGzDyY2UGD9iiZn9CQAMT05xgjyHDfsVgcyoO8M3E2k_rKh6x5Qp4vAcvMOrNUptmGhfPeZjva3s/s320/IMG_1879.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the brisket flat. Pull it off slowly and carefully, then save it for some pot roast</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_5WVMh78FigVVhEsseCRb8EP_Wg-TexZUEjyBCoPZYQ4ADPZzt3ogQbxg1X-gMPf1Kl1Um-uIPh7P7YEEqH_3t6Kg8IDlzYN-9XbdvXfoTZG0qiCerfj49Zyt7hCVhzuncPeQAtZ2P2M/s1600/IMG_1878.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_5WVMh78FigVVhEsseCRb8EP_Wg-TexZUEjyBCoPZYQ4ADPZzt3ogQbxg1X-gMPf1Kl1Um-uIPh7P7YEEqH_3t6Kg8IDlzYN-9XbdvXfoTZG0qiCerfj49Zyt7hCVhzuncPeQAtZ2P2M/s320/IMG_1878.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The fat has been trimmed and saved. Some retouching is needed near the vertebral processes, though</td></tr>
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Now take a cup of olive oil and blend the leaves form 4 fresh rosemary sprigs. Place 2 cups of kosher salt in a bowl and mix it with the rosemary oil. Now rub this on the meat and think sexy thoughts eating like a fucking man while your woman stares in awe.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMAgmJ9wCrSmiOXop5SxG3sWE-dKDEyOp-ClYOO185nXlGeo8rbTskVpmGVeJiSdYH7eA_co2dGckqlARVS3ap3cyzcpNw9RH4e9W-iH09iI36ccF9zLq6LcW-CIZp8u2Xlw9MZVrkwvM/s1600/IMG_1881.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMAgmJ9wCrSmiOXop5SxG3sWE-dKDEyOp-ClYOO185nXlGeo8rbTskVpmGVeJiSdYH7eA_co2dGckqlARVS3ap3cyzcpNw9RH4e9W-iH09iI36ccF9zLq6LcW-CIZp8u2Xlw9MZVrkwvM/s320/IMG_1881.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Rosmarinus officinallis</i></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh23N36F_QYSWJW5u1gyNsSCI6WW-BdUkWnZV0OS5lbTkkwyYPOSCdkAWiuTlokLVTX25Bs96-ioD2rLAPL2QTOnKgv3l68_WvpANZP3d8462_lrRLwtLtCWlKAz1SW2A-ZVlQM-WPo4qc/s1600/IMG_1882.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh23N36F_QYSWJW5u1gyNsSCI6WW-BdUkWnZV0OS5lbTkkwyYPOSCdkAWiuTlokLVTX25Bs96-ioD2rLAPL2QTOnKgv3l68_WvpANZP3d8462_lrRLwtLtCWlKAz1SW2A-ZVlQM-WPo4qc/s320/IMG_1882.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeap, cheap-ass olive oil. No need to splurge the benjamins here</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicrorZvK8yJPP_uLwReBdhQBTvXwXR37PHVH-WJe5H6W3d-J5tT8x7Sj665LawL1vEpxUfcMOZWYuwwAJhSWoyDDCg7OUCczOpzAagzOKU9madUP46qi30YmKKULN1tUaneAKy4urR7cc/s1600/IMG_1884.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicrorZvK8yJPP_uLwReBdhQBTvXwXR37PHVH-WJe5H6W3d-J5tT8x7Sj665LawL1vEpxUfcMOZWYuwwAJhSWoyDDCg7OUCczOpzAagzOKU9madUP46qi30YmKKULN1tUaneAKy4urR7cc/s320/IMG_1884.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sort of rosemary pesto</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Place the meat in a big-ass bag and let it rest, refrigerated,
for at least 2 hours. The salt will break up the collagen surrounding
the ribs, tenderizing the meat further. The oil will help to infuse the
rosemary into the meat. Kiss it good-bye and concentrate on the potato
salad.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alternatively, if you're about to cook, you can leave the meat to air-dry with the salt rub on for 30 minutes, unrefrigerated.</td></tr>
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These are a mix of waxy and starchy potatoes, in this case, Round White and Yukon Gold. I like them because they hold their shape regardless of the application. I took 5 lbs of spuds and boiled them over a medium flame in salted water until tender. This can take about a whole hour. Don't test them for doneness with a knife, coz they're sharp and will mislead you. Instead, take one out and pinch the skin. If it comes off easily, you're all set.<br />
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You need to boil them slowly, otherwise they'll cook unevenly. This actually reminds me of a song:<br />
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Anyways, after you potatoes are peeled, cube them and place them in a big-ass bowl. While the potatoes boil, You need to get your hands on about 2 lbs of bacon. Chop it up into little pieces and fry it over a very low flame to get all of the fat from it. Drain the bacon and save as much fat as you can.<br />
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While the bacon fries (we're fucking multitasking, bro!!!), roughly chop 4 very large onions, then put them in a pot with 500 ml of white vinegar and 500 ml of chicken stock, 1 cup of sugar, and salt and pepper. No need to reduce it, just heat it until the onions are cooked through.<br />
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Now, as the onions cook, add enough vegetable oil to the bacon fat to measure 2 cups, reheat and dissolve a whole jar of dijon mustard in it. Add that to the simmering onions.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwysm8y_Plp05CXtfh4brjfPAs__qzZyVTdWoY_sLIjsbf9y7oeQNRi289JEQoEOhK6o1N7yR9zPnkcn9TbC7M1vzDwujdmU5Uf8cHV5qwhn9XEeiQJGhpc85H-sfKCNhZPeD40g_x4qI/s1600/IMG_1864.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwysm8y_Plp05CXtfh4brjfPAs__qzZyVTdWoY_sLIjsbf9y7oeQNRi289JEQoEOhK6o1N7yR9zPnkcn9TbC7M1vzDwujdmU5Uf8cHV5qwhn9XEeiQJGhpc85H-sfKCNhZPeD40g_x4qI/s320/IMG_1864.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like it french, sue me. I also like it "A L'Ancienne" because it's got whole mustard seeds and they pop in your mouth like little spheres of deliciousness</td></tr>
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Once it's homogenous, dump it all (while still hot) on your potatoes. They will look soupy. It's ok. After a while, the spuds will absorb the dressing. Sprinkle chopped chives or scallions for garnish and let it sit for a few hours.<br />
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Now back to the meat. Start your grill and set the meat, bone side-down, about 3 inches from white-hot coals. Keep some water handy to put out the flames, coz the fat will catch fire like a motherfucker. Leave it like this for 40 minutes, then flip and cook for another 20.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDZINXwehq6FF32xheRAzQIM-zGuEe7Bl3fcvN5_H6pqZEXV7wZTVMFr7C5VP_WnBdj4w8Yyj15AIHxXbamIdQCBjAYds2yS_gAXjGlZ2NMaM-lgr78Ygmi4wNRLoEIrOVdGiWPGtsJd8/s1600/IMG_1908.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDZINXwehq6FF32xheRAzQIM-zGuEe7Bl3fcvN5_H6pqZEXV7wZTVMFr7C5VP_WnBdj4w8Yyj15AIHxXbamIdQCBjAYds2yS_gAXjGlZ2NMaM-lgr78Ygmi4wNRLoEIrOVdGiWPGtsJd8/s320/IMG_1908.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See that? Like a Motherfucker</td></tr>
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This will yield medium-rare to medium, provided you let the meat rest for 10 - 15 minutes before carving. Any more done, and you don't deserve it. You can slice it with the bone and get rib steaks, or dismantle the cap, tail and eye to make individual portions. Either way, you will fucking rule.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2tcA9UQ5vT8Rytxn6PMTE3nJ1gVAT5EWh82XbcTYkqkIrJ7XRt76sumkIoFqFt_z0afnf5Kmpln4LtOY0a83h7DZ5D0sunVw7PbC0tRu9Vm3ZBmqx7axDv9JeGobwgiNWpONY-HEFE04/s1600/IMG_1941.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2tcA9UQ5vT8Rytxn6PMTE3nJ1gVAT5EWh82XbcTYkqkIrJ7XRt76sumkIoFqFt_z0afnf5Kmpln4LtOY0a83h7DZ5D0sunVw7PbC0tRu9Vm3ZBmqx7axDv9JeGobwgiNWpONY-HEFE04/s320/IMG_1941.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: a BITCHING Rib steak</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You will forgive the shitty last pic. It was a halloween party and I was near-shitfaced</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Pairing:<br />
This is grass-fed beef, it has a very unique, strong flavor that needs something deep and assertive. Strong tanins and notes of wood and berries, like an Argentine or Mexican Merlot, should do the trick.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blackbirdvineyards.com/">Blackbird Vineyards</a> produces consistently excelent Merlots every year. If you got the $90, by all means, try it. If, like me, you depend on birthday gifts to drink like that, <a href="http://www.lacetto.mx/Images/downloads/rp_nebbiolo.pdf">L. A. Cetto's Nebbiolo Reserva Privada</a> is an excellent and affordable choice.<br />
<br />
Printer-friendly version:<br />
Grilled Whole Prime Rib and Warm German Potato Salad<br />
Serves 14 - 18 (there's calculators in every cellphone if you need to trim it down, hater)<br />
<br />
For the meat:<br />
2 whole (18lbs each) Prime Ribs, trimmed. Anywhere from 6 to 8 bones in each one.<br />
Fresh rosemary, olive oil and sea salt<br />
<br />
For the Salad<br />
5 lbs potatoes, boiled, peeled and cubed<br />
2 lbs bacon, fried, fat reserved<br />
4 large onions, chopped<br />
1 cup sugar<br />
1 jar (210g) Stone-ground Dijon mustard <br />
500ml vinegar (white or cider)<br />
500ml chicken stock<br />
Vegetable oil <br />
Salt and pepper<br />
Chives or scallions, chopped<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Blend the oil and rosemary, mix with sea salt to make a green paste and cover the meat. Let it rest for at least 1 hour.</li>
<li>Place the vinegar, chicken stock, sugar and onions in a pot and simmer until the onions are cooked through.</li>
<li>Reheat the bacon fat and add enough oil to measure 2 cups, then dissolve the mustard in this fat.</li>
<li>Mix the fat and mustard with the vinegar and onions, then dump that shit over your potatoes.</li>
<li>Sprinkle with chives and bacon and let rest</li>
<li>Grill the meat bone side down over white-hot coals for 40 mins, then flip and cook for another 20 mins for meduim-rare to medium. Let it rest 15 mins before carving. Keep the flames down or you'll fuck it up.</li>
<li>Carve, serve, <i><b>stay fucking awesome</b></i></li>
<li>Prove your awesomeness even further and leave a fucking comment.</li>
</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-81064044754166572162011-10-26T00:03:00.000-07:002011-10-27T23:20:50.728-07:00Cochinita Pibil (Mayan Pulled Pork)November 1st marks the first anniversary of the inscription of Mexican Cuisine in the UNESCO, on the <a href="http://www.unesco.org/culture/ich/index.php?lg=en&pg=00011&RL=00400">Representative List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity</a>. Amazingly, the nomination was french, and mainly because of two very specific regions: Michoacán and Yucatán. <br />
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<a href="http://www.intermediarte.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/unesco.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="156" src="http://www.intermediarte.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/unesco.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
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I'm dedicating this month to my favorite traditional mexican dishes, starting with the one you may have <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Sands">already heard about</a>: Cochinita Pibil.<br />
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<a href="http://portal.unesco.org/culture/es/files/34323/11922113631worldheritage.gif/worldheritage.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://portal.unesco.org/culture/es/files/34323/11922113631worldheritage.gif/worldheritage.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
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This amazing slow-roasted pork recipe comes from the no less amazing state of <a href="http://yucatantoday.com/">Yucatán</a>. Here, the cuisine is still heavily mayan, seamlessly incorporating imported spices with local ingredients to make the most unique fusion food you'll ever taste.<br />
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<a href="http://www.map-of-mexico.co.uk/images/yucatanenglish.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.map-of-mexico.co.uk/images/yucatanenglish.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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Cochinita means suckling pig, but pork shoulder will do. There's still some confusion, even among mexicans, regarding the meaning of "pibil". Most people will tell you it refers to the <a href="http://www.alegrofoods.com/maggipibilsonador.aspx">seasonings </a>involved. Those people are<i> fucking stupid</i>. The mayans had a sort of underground oven, similar to the spits used in hawaii to cook their pork, called a "<i>Pib</i>". So pibil means oven-roasted. There, you can school the shit of some random mexican now.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzMQhTl0xCZlbwSJgilofFFFOoa9xDBaJuMIml7aUQ1ABHABcOWzFkLpbliqa-NIWJ60lgXqciU9xEfPdy4wynhlZoMfXRNW2J7Ixes3Rm-xcHYOTsV60xSfx-KQ9pamDa5Br0a6FlSM/s1600/horno+yucatan.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzMQhTl0xCZlbwSJgilofFFFOoa9xDBaJuMIml7aUQ1ABHABcOWzFkLpbliqa-NIWJ60lgXqciU9xEfPdy4wynhlZoMfXRNW2J7Ixes3Rm-xcHYOTsV60xSfx-KQ9pamDa5Br0a6FlSM/s320/horno+yucatan.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's a <i>Pib</i>, heating up</td></tr>
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We've already discussed <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Achiote">achiote</a>, so I'm not delving any further there. Ideally we'd make this dish from scratch, grinding our own spices, but time constraints and ingredient availability tend to fuck with my plans, so I'm teaching you how to make it using store-bought achiote paste. Sue me.<br />
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These are our stars: OJ, achiote paste, cumin, cinnamon, black pepper, all-spice and dried chiles.<br />
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Remember that time when I taught you how to make <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/10/banana-leaf-wrapped-steamed-basa-pibil.html">Steamed fish with Achiote Sauce</a> and you only used 1/3 of the paste? Yeah? well, you'll need the remaining 2/3 here. So put about 2 Oz of Achiote paste, 1 cup OJ, 1 cup white vinegar, 1 tablespoon black peppercorns, 1 teaspoon whole allspice, 1 teaspoon cumin, 1 teaspoon cinnamon and about 3 tablespoons sea salt in the blender. Add as many dried chiles as your pussy-ass digestive tract can tolerate and blend the shit out of it to get a very aromatic paste.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5ITwZIv-TRLKAHhMOrqNal_PqAXlgcAWtlLlKYuq39dIoGelrm6v1OyKWYdoiQ3_nhFUaP1-Bub57wWQ-UxQQcyw8nGuRwbeHZwKjr1ASufLy0m1oeKR9JB-yLLcmkXYDtLU71tCL4gs/s1600/DSCF3896.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5ITwZIv-TRLKAHhMOrqNal_PqAXlgcAWtlLlKYuq39dIoGelrm6v1OyKWYdoiQ3_nhFUaP1-Bub57wWQ-UxQQcyw8nGuRwbeHZwKjr1ASufLy0m1oeKR9JB-yLLcmkXYDtLU71tCL4gs/s320/DSCF3896.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And again, remember: the stains won't come off, ever</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Remember you bought a whole bag of banana leaves for that fish <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/10/banana-leaf-wrapped-steamed-basa-pibil.html">recipe</a> and only used 6? Well, take'em out of the freezer, soak'em in hot water and use them to line a large crock pot. I know, this should be oven-roasted, but cut me some slack, its fucking Hermosillo, remember? We're still above 100°F. Shit, fuckers here die, go to Hell and come back for their blankets. Make sure the leaves overlap and hang to the sides so you can fold them over the pot later. <br />
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Place 8 lbs of pork shoulder cut into 2 in cubes into the pot. Empty the contents of the blender over the meat, and fold the leaves over the whole thing. Cover tightly with aluminum foil. Crank it up to high and ignore it for at least 3 hours. The meat will be ready when it falls apart on its own.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUhnIr8oBrNFhffzrW7hv_CDGI1iXxAlaosvcf8xkDMeuzj9GA7FE_QR7ZTHiRpWl-166CYQdq89VCCFlQdNKCRYDJCrEaGtl6hG4sznd-AlxL1ne8kGA_bvJ8QeZjkavgViFtDuTQ1G4/s1600/DSCF3902.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUhnIr8oBrNFhffzrW7hv_CDGI1iXxAlaosvcf8xkDMeuzj9GA7FE_QR7ZTHiRpWl-166CYQdq89VCCFlQdNKCRYDJCrEaGtl6hG4sznd-AlxL1ne8kGA_bvJ8QeZjkavgViFtDuTQ1G4/s320/DSCF3902.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgglzAI4bQwR8cipANNEyivAKP0de_8NdFQYbRsd0UZ2Fv0UioBmYIU6IPTFe9afOQeronlhSGJcO4IasBFr-rXL7O4I0BZgj6vnu2kjOQyrtEvAV-9wY-DpFyiIt9keEICF3FQo-RrXg/s1600/DSCF3911.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgglzAI4bQwR8cipANNEyivAKP0de_8NdFQYbRsd0UZ2Fv0UioBmYIU6IPTFe9afOQeronlhSGJcO4IasBFr-rXL7O4I0BZgj6vnu2kjOQyrtEvAV-9wY-DpFyiIt9keEICF3FQo-RrXg/s320/DSCF3911.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTdFibnrZAVXOyuP3z6HV1vuH02NKtescx_mWwqXHkcMXJGVPCECSIPhpY3-t-UXHVYY-NvgvETwiT2hMvXJBePgd-KgqRIwXvO9sb9kbw-sS7h9Ih_-yOTQr4gyoGz2RppbTMxhsB_fI/s1600/DSCF3913.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTdFibnrZAVXOyuP3z6HV1vuH02NKtescx_mWwqXHkcMXJGVPCECSIPhpY3-t-UXHVYY-NvgvETwiT2hMvXJBePgd-KgqRIwXvO9sb9kbw-sS7h9Ih_-yOTQr4gyoGz2RppbTMxhsB_fI/s320/DSCF3913.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Leave it the fuck alone. I'm serious. Step away.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Serve it like any other kind of pulled pork. On its own with rice, in sandwiches, make fucking tacos, whatever. Just make sure you top it with an ass load of the <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Mighty Crohn</a> and prepare to have your mind blown the fuck away.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2pu4MzGg4XnGB5XHyc1570YRI5wZwPDoOS6orD0mqd7hRCdImH-lIhilruOzhiRcM-TVag07JuywqQW_vKcmtPaDYxoz-xpEFE3NH37K8Cyu6aoGL_BW-8Mtjf3Wu9dYNqYOi6wSyC70/s1600/DSCF3916.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2pu4MzGg4XnGB5XHyc1570YRI5wZwPDoOS6orD0mqd7hRCdImH-lIhilruOzhiRcM-TVag07JuywqQW_vKcmtPaDYxoz-xpEFE3NH37K8Cyu6aoGL_BW-8Mtjf3Wu9dYNqYOi6wSyC70/s320/DSCF3916.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at this beautiful motherfucker. Look at it!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Yi2TpV1-k8v0VYH64t6d-IMX6MZu95_K5OXYuSH8skbQYUkmudSy-7-w4DppTd-zgY_LmVDGzOxSFGK7K9NN_Mhq4FWe2STYDI6ePW-CBJoS1NVrg1t6_v0Z0HD7qMWwwbQN2k0ezRY/s1600/DSCF3919.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Yi2TpV1-k8v0VYH64t6d-IMX6MZu95_K5OXYuSH8skbQYUkmudSy-7-w4DppTd-zgY_LmVDGzOxSFGK7K9NN_Mhq4FWe2STYDI6ePW-CBJoS1NVrg1t6_v0Z0HD7qMWwwbQN2k0ezRY/s320/DSCF3919.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See? LOTS of <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Crohn</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvOQ7mNS4zq0yjy0GMewI3KD_9MDnZLeq_x_yUfERUlDLrI2Z28jTeLX3IBsU5hn1DgfjR3iE-6R8tsTSl5TQbVVGi699cs1AUv8g_Wjq0XS0uIDMJMbbduO0TgbOhyPGhKAeYaWVTSoU/s1600/DSCF3925.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvOQ7mNS4zq0yjy0GMewI3KD_9MDnZLeq_x_yUfERUlDLrI2Z28jTeLX3IBsU5hn1DgfjR3iE-6R8tsTSl5TQbVVGi699cs1AUv8g_Wjq0XS0uIDMJMbbduO0TgbOhyPGhKAeYaWVTSoU/s320/DSCF3925.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sorry for the stained plate, I'm evidently not a pro</td></tr>
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Pairing:<br />
This one's a tough bitch. The flavors are agressive, and often in contrast to each other. You have the acidity of the vinegar, the mustard-like flavor of the achiote, the sweetness from the oranges, the earthiness and warmth of cinnamon and the testicle-developing heat from the habaneros.<br />
<br />
A very neophite-friendly option would be Chardonnay. The grapes themselves are quite neutral, and while most Chardonnays are fruity, with notes of citrus and green apple, much of its flavor comes from the terroir. I'd suggest a Californian Oak Aged Chardonnay, like<a href="http://www.lacetto.com/"> L.A Cetto Valle de Guadalupe. </a><br />
<br />
For decades, Chardonnay was confused with Pinot Blanc and Chenin Blanc, so both would also be apropriate. <a href="http://www.montexanic.com.mx/">Monte Xanic Chenin Blanc Cosecha Tardía</a> is a very nice, slightly sweet wine that can carry on all the way down to desert.<br />
<br />
If Beer ir your poison of choice, there really are no wrong choices. Honestly, the dish is so complex in its flavors, you can either go for harmony or contrast and still win. Just stay away from the light shit and you'll be fine.<br />
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Printer Friendly Version:<br />
Cochinita Pibil (Mayan Oven-Roasted Pulled Pork)<br />
Serves 8:<br />
<br />
2 Oz Achiote Paste<br />
1 cup Orange Juice<br />
1 cup white vinegar<br />
1 tablespoon of black peppercorns<br />
1 teaspoon whole allspice<br />
1
teaspoon ground cumin<br />
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon<br />
3 tablespoons sea
salt<br />
5 morita chiles.<br />
8 lbs pork shoulder, no fat trimmed, cubed<br />
Banana leaves.<br />
<a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Crohn</a>, lots of delicious <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Crohn</a><br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Blend the first 9 ingredients together into a paste</li>
<li>Line a large crock-pot with banana leaves and place the cubed pork in it</li>
<li>Bathe it with your sauce. Fondle it with pleasure.</li>
<li>Cover tightly with alluminum foil and cook it on high for 3 hours. Check for doneness.</li>
<li>Serve with refried black beans (I cannot stress this enough: BLACK beans, motherfucker), corn tortillas and <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Crohn</a>.</li>
<li>Fucking stay Awesome, you Magnificent Bastard.</li>
<li>Help a homie out, leave a comment.</li>
</ol>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx_LauiIvGaFZFTpQyBKxed-VU9oRPylsXje0IKSAzs1sQBrqWfUvPdeVLg_QgYeqiPoC4dJ2KeVtkTfPxgOD56rbPQqkGDNpysimd1G21Z3nzgtXdtAiPv9j2ubiTdcBGsZAsHZL64o0/s1600/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx_LauiIvGaFZFTpQyBKxed-VU9oRPylsXje0IKSAzs1sQBrqWfUvPdeVLg_QgYeqiPoC4dJ2KeVtkTfPxgOD56rbPQqkGDNpysimd1G21Z3nzgtXdtAiPv9j2ubiTdcBGsZAsHZL64o0/s200/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-63209613345598659212011-10-18T13:23:00.000-07:002011-10-21T09:53:13.527-07:00Boeuf Bourguignon à la Cardoza (Douchebag French Beef Stew)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's autumn in most of the northern hemisphere. For most of you, that means a chilly weather, windy days, pumpkins, spices and hot drinks. Not for us, though. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermosillo">Hermosillo</a> has 2 seasons: Baseball and Summer. With temperatures averaging above 100°F year-long, our definition of comfort food is usually ceviche and beer.<br />
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Still, this being October, pumpkins, squashes and winter tubers are making their way into the supermarkets, so I decided to cook some quintessential comfort food for the blog, even though I was sweating my nutsack off in the process. Don't say I don't love you, fuckers.<br />
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Boeuf bourguignon is considered one of the sacred ancient dishes of french cuisine right now, but that was not always the case. Its origins are lost in time, but it's speculated that peasants devised braising their meats in wine as a way of softening otherwise inedible cuts, such as cheap-ass beef and fresh game. The great <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auguste_Escoffier">Auguste Escoffier,</a> "Emperor of Chefs", elevated the recipe to new heights simply by serving it pretty, and made it globally popular in his last book, "<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ma-Cuisine-Auguste-Escoffier/dp/0600601048">Ma Cuisine</a>" (My Kitchen) in 1934.<br />
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I learned how to make this when I was about 13 and got my hands on a copy of Julia Child's "<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_24/280-5644372-9899234?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=mastering+the+art+of+french+cooking+julia+child&x=0&y=0&sprefix=Mastering+the+art+of+frn">Mastering the Art of French Cooking</a>", and as my first official culinary success, it holds a very special place in my cholesterol-encrusted heart. I've tweaked it over the years and I've noticed that, regardless of the changes I make, it yields consistently palatable results. I also made it in France for my french friends and it reminded them of their grandmas, so I guess I got it right,<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.tvworthwatching.com/blog/julia%20child%20fish.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://www.tvworthwatching.com/blog/julia%20child%20fish.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">By the way, she was 6 ft tall and actually worked for the CIA, so there's a chance she might have been an actual fucking spy. How awesome is THAT!?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Start with 5 oz of thick bacon. Traditionally, the meat was larded with pork belly. That is, it was threaded with a needle using long strips of pork fat to substitute for the marbling in better cuts of meat. Pancetta should be ideal, but since we're braising this until it falls apart, no one will notice. Roghly chop the bacon, then put in a pot over a ver low flame and render as much fat as you can from it. <br />
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Now add 2 large onions, 5 large carrots and 5 large ribs of celery (a basic mire-poix) to the bacon and sweat'em.<br />
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While the vegetables get all sweaty and do the nasty, turn your Crock-pot on high and empty a whole bottle of wine into it. Once the onions become translucent, add them to the wine.<br />
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Take 5 lbs of Chuck pot roast and cut into fist-sized chunks. The chunks must be large and evenly sized. Turn the flame up to high on the pot and brown them in whatever fat was left. This starts the now-famous <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maillard_reaction">Maillard reaction</a> that will flavor the whole thing.<br />
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Once the beef cubes are browned, add them to the wine. Deglaze the pan and add all the burnt bits to the pot as well.<br />
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Stir 3 Tbsps sea salt, 3 Oz of tomato paste, 1 tsp ground chipotle pepper (part of the Cardoza touch), 2 bay leaves and lots of black pepper. Cover and ignore for 2 1/2 hours. The original recipe calls for a bouquet garni, which is simply a bunch of your favorite herbs tied up with string, but I've noticed that full-bodied wines don't actually need any seasoning.<br />
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Two-and-a-half hours have passed, now sprinkle 5 Tbsps of flour over the meat and stir to dissolve. Cover and ignore for another 30 to 40 minutes.<br />
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To serve, pick out the meat cubes from the stew and strain the gravy to discard the vegetables. Serve with whatever blank starch you have at hand. Buttered noodles, white rice, potatoes, mushrooms, whatever.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I actually like to eat the vegetables, but it definitely looks better without'em, I give you that.</td></tr>
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Pairing:<br />
Whatever you used to cook the meat will do. Most foodies swear by the "if you won't drink it, don't cook with it" dogma, but I say it's bullshit. Taste is a matter of personal preference, and sommeliers around the world are <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090912124050.htm">full of shit</a>, (and, then again, probably so am I...).<br />
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<a href="http://www.lacetto.net/vinos_reservas_privadas_nebbiolo.htm">L.A. Cetto's Nebbiolo</a>, regardless of the vintage year, is an excelent choice for <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami">umami</a> dishes. It has a very pleasant, deep red fruit taste with very well-rounded tannins that bring life to your dead cow.<br />
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In this case, I used a young <a href="http://gallo.com/family/OurFamily.html">E. & J. Gallo Cabernet Sauvignon</a>. It's fairly inexpensive, well rounded, with notes of cranberries and cassis and very assertive tannins. Also, its acidity offsets the richness of the bacon and fat very well. Any brand of Cabernet will do.<br />
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Printer-Friendly version:<br />
Boeuf Bourguignon à la Cardoza (Douchebag French Beef Stew)<br />
5 oz bacon, chopped<br />
5 lbs Chuck Pot Roast, cut in large chunks<br />
1 750ml bottle of red wine<br />
5 large carrots, chopped<br />
5 large celery ribs, chopped<br />
2 large onions, chopped<br />
3 oz tomato paste<br />
1 tsp chipotle powder<br />
2 bay leaves<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
5 Tbsps flour<br />
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<ol>
<li>Fry the bacon over a low flame. Once it's released all of its porky goodness, sauté the carrots, onions and celery.</li>
<li>Start your Crock-pot on high and empty the wine into it.</li>
<li>Add the vegetables and bacon, then brown the meat in the leftover fat.</li>
<li>Add the fat to the pot along with the rest of the ingredients, except the flour. Ignore the pot for 2 1/2 hours.</li>
<li>Add the flour, stir well and ignore for another 30 to 40 minutes, to get a thick, delicious, hip-widening gravy.</li>
<li>Take the meat out of the pot, strain the vegetables out of the sauce and throw them away. Serve with whatever you like. </li>
<li>Fucking rule the table.</li>
<li>Fucking leave a fucking comment, you owe me that much.</li>
<li>Stay fucking awesome.</li>
</ol>
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<ol>
</ol>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-83052800579877084102011-10-11T06:00:00.000-07:002011-10-11T10:11:56.118-07:00Asado de Boda Zacatecano (Zacatecan Wedding Roast)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After so many pedantic posts, I decided to put my feet back on the ground and cook some real comfort food. You know, the type of food that'll stick to your ribs and fucking stay there until your coronaries petrify. Many recipes came to mind, but hell, it's Chocolate Week! so I decided to go with something no one had tried before in my house.<br />
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The best thing about travelling across Mexico is that not a single fat old lady will deny you her recipes if you ask politely. This one in particular comes from the state of Zacatecas, smack right in the middle of the country. The people there are just as amazing as the sights. Go there on your next vacation.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remember: BE POLITE. Mexican Grandmas don't fuck around</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.travelbymexico.com/zacatecas/atractivos/index2.php">Zacatecas</a> (from the nahuatl "<i>Where the grass grows tall</i>") has a rich history, both political and gastronomical. It had some of the largest silver mines in the country, and was fought over by both the Spanish and the French, so the food is understandably amazing. Fusion food as it should be, unpretentious and appealing, with a kind of primal charm.<br />
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This particular recipe is sort of labor-intensive, if you're the kind of fat lazy fuck that gets every ingredient from a can or a frozen bag, which is why, as the name implies, it's served at weddings. But if you've got a shred of initiative in you, you'll enjoy making it as much as you'll enjoy eating it. Traditionally, this recipe calls for a whopping 3 cups of rendered pork fat, and while there's no denying that all that porky deliciousness is good, I had to tweak it a little and turn down the porcine debauchery to make it heart-friendly.<br />
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Start with 4 lbs of boneless pork shoulder cut into large cubes. Trim the largest chunks of fat and reserve them.<br />
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Put the meat in a large pot with enough water to cover it completely. Add some aromatics -in this case, celery and onion- and simmer over a medium flame for about 1 hour.<br />
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While the meat cooks, get some chiles. These are Anchos and Chilacates, but you can substitute for Pasillas and New Mexicos. Use about 1/2 lb of each. Place them in a pot with enough water to cover them and bring them to a boil. As soon as they boil, turn the heat off and let them sit in the hot water for 20 minutes, then drain and reserve.<br />
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Now take the peel form half a Valencia orange. Try to remove as much of the white pith as possible without being overly anal rettentive. Reserve.<br />
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These are bolillos, mexican sourdough rolls. Take 2 day-old bolillos and slice them thick. Air them out for a few minutes. Take 3 Tbsps of corn oil and some of the reserved por fat. Heat them over the lowest possible flame to render some pork fat and impart flavor. Once the fat pieces are browned, remove them and fry the bread over a medium low flame.<br />
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Drain the meat, discard the celery and onion and reserve the stock.
As soon as your bread is fried, dunk it in the stock and let it soak it
up.<br />
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This is piloncillo. It's the rawest form of sugar you'll find and it usually comes in 200g (7oz) cones. You'll need one cone. Place it in a zip-top bag, cover it with a kitchen towel and gently pound the shit out of it with a hammer. You'll be left with a sort of moist, brownsugary thing. If you can't find piloncillo, substitute with 5 oz brown sugar and 2 oz dark molasses.<br />
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This is mexican cinnamon (canela), also known as True Cinnamon, and it has a very distinct flavor, piquant and spicy, extremely pungent and aromatic, yet sweet. You'll need one stick.<br />
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Blend the chiles (minus the stalks), the piloncillo, the cinnamon, and some pork stock until you make a thick salsa.<br />
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Now add the bread and the rest of the stock and about 3 tablespoons of salt and keep blending. Reserve.<br />
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Take another 6 Tbsps of corn oil and gently render some more pork fat. Once you're done, remove the fat pieces and brown the meat evenly. Add a cup of water when you're done and scrape all the delicious, browned, quasibacon particles from the bottom of the pan.<br />
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This is mexican chocolate. It's semisweet and very different from the baking chocolates you're used to. Baking chocolates are slowly ground between metal cylinders for days and then slowly emulsified. Mexican chocolate is more artisanal, coarser, sweetened with cane sugar and spiked with cinnamon and sometimes nutmeg. You'll need 2 tablets.<br />
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Lower the heat to low. Strain the sauce over the meat, pressing on it and discarding any solids left. Your sauce should be silky and smooth.<br />
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Now add the orange peel and break the chocolate over the sauce, stirring vigorously and constantly. Chocolate is added at the very end to prevent burning and fucking up. Keep simmering over a low flame for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent the sauce from sticking to the bottom of the pan.<br />
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Serve with additional bolillos and some mexican red rice.<br />
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<b>Pairing</b> (be gentle, it's my first time):<br />
Contrary to french belief, complex mexican sauces do marry well with Champange and sparkling wines, just make sure it's not something too acidic. In my humble opinion, <a href="http://www.freixenetmexico.com.mx/Freixenet/Productos.htm">Freixenet's Cava Sala Vivé Brut</a> is an excelent and unexpected choice, regardless of the vintage year. <br />
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Following the long Zacatecan tradition of clinging to their brief contact with the Spanish, a fairly young bottle of <a href="http://www.elcoto.com/vinos.php/nuestros-vinos/3/el-coto-crianza/es">El Coto de Rioja Crianza 2007</a> (again, against all european preconceptions) will compliment the freshness from the orange peel and bring out the earthiness from the chocolate and cinnamon.<br />
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Mexican reds are worthy of consideration as well, most specially L.A Cetto's <a href="http://www.ensenada-baja-vacations.com/vino-tinto-merlot-don-luis-de-la-cetto.html">Don Luis Merlot</a> and <a href="http://vinisfera.com/tienda/syrah-la-cetto-boutique.html">Boutique Syrah</a>. Just avoid southamerican wines, they tend to be too acidic.<br />
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Almost any beer will do, but if you went through all this trouble, you might as well, invest in some good ones. Guiness is a good choice, although it can be a little overpowering. My recommendations would be <a href="http://www.hazcerveza.com/cervezas-de-mexico/cerveza-cucapa-obscura">Cucapá Obscura</a> and <a href="http://beerdepot.com.mx/?p=218">Bohemia Weizen</a>.<br />
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Printer Friendly Version: Asado de Bodas Zacatecano (Zacatecan Wedding Roast)<br />
Serves 6<br />
Aproximately 3 hours<br />
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4lbs boneless pork shoulder<br />
2 ribs celery<br />
1 small onion<br />
1 gallon water<br />
1/2 cup vegetable oil<br />
1/2 lb ancho or pasilla peppers<br />
1/2 lb chilacate or dried new mexico peppers<br />
1 stick mexican cinnamon<br />
2 tablets mexican chocolate<br />
1 cone (7oz) of piloncillo, or 5oz brown sugar + 2oz dark molasses<br />
2 stale bolillos, or at least as much artisanal sourdough bread<br />
The peel off 1/2 an orange<br />
<ol>
<li>Simmer the pork along with the celery and onion for about 1 hour, then drain and reserve the stock</li>
<li>Rehydrate the chiles in hot water and drain</li>
<li>Fry the bolillos in 3 Tbsps vegetable oil + a little pork fat and make big-ass croutons, then dunk'em in the pork stock</li>
<li>Blend the chiles, piloncillo, cinnamon, bread and stock to a thick sauce</li>
<li>Brown the pork in 6 Tbsps vegetable oil + a little pork fat and de glaze the pan with a cup of water.</li>
<li>Strain the sauce over the meat, discard any solids left.</li>
<li>Add the orange peel and chocolate and stir until the chocolate melts.</li>
<li>Simmer over a very low flame for 30 minutes, stirring vigorously to avoid burning</li>
<li>Fucking rule a mexican wedding</li>
<li>Leave a fucking comment</li>
</ol>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-68601803059544292042011-10-07T14:24:00.000-07:002011-10-27T09:03:11.826-07:00Cooking Lessons 2: Don't be a pussy. Chiles are good for you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you've read some of my recipes, I'm sure you've noticed that even my sweet recipes contain at least trace ammounts of some powdered chile. This may or may not be due to the fact that I'm so Mexican, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nopal">nopales</a> grow out of my forehead. A <a href="http://www.google.com.mx/search?q=chileheads&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:es-MX:official&client=firefox-a">quick Google search</a> of the key word "chileheads" yields 123,000 results in 0.21 seconds, the first one being a british site peddling seeds.<br />
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No, guys, <a href="http://supermarkethq.com/product/capsaicin-molecule-necklace">chileheads are everywhere</a>. From Great Britain to India, to Peru, to Mexico, to the USA, everybody's doing it... so why aren't you? Because you're a pussy, that's why.<br />
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So what exactly makes your pussy-ass mouth burn and your pansy-ass nose water when you eat chiles? Interesting question, my young padawan! You can blame 2 organic compounds for that: Capsaicin and Allyl-isothiocyanate.<br />
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Capsaicin (8-methyl-<i>N</i>-vanillyl-6-nonenamide, (<span style="font-size: x-small;">(CH<sub>3</sub>)<sub>2</sub>CHCH=CH(CH<sub>2</sub>)<sub>4</sub>CONHCH<sub>2</sub>C<sub>6</sub>H<sub>3</sub>-4-(OH)-3-(OCH<sub>3</sub>)</span>) is the main culprit. It's an organic compound that is extremely irritant to pretty much everything it touches in mammals. It's extremely hydrophobic, which means no ammount of water will ever wash it off (although most fats will), and it turns out it has <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=93636630">antifungal and possible antimicrobial properties</a>. No lethal dose has been described for humans, but in can kill mice with as little as 50mg/kg.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWBMmCCHXQzK3HlCkQYZc3a02kDrHeezRZz8Lg0Ag0ickpQC_ytLNXmuSMQ8ka0AIPhygD4852hCZd0t4TXYm-pDJfXJO7fkCfQ2gVzN1l8fJ1mZ80-vHCz4s-guc3guM4-zkfInEw5eI/s1600/capsaicin.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="88" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWBMmCCHXQzK3HlCkQYZc3a02kDrHeezRZz8Lg0Ag0ickpQC_ytLNXmuSMQ8ka0AIPhygD4852hCZd0t4TXYm-pDJfXJO7fkCfQ2gVzN1l8fJ1mZ80-vHCz4s-guc3guM4-zkfInEw5eI/s320/capsaicin.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even the fucking molecule looks evil</td></tr>
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It has been proposed that Capsicum's high concentration of capsaicin may be an evolutionary development, since birds don't have any receptors for it anywhere and are more likely to spread their seeds undigested in their droppings, unlike mammals, whose molars crush the seeds.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two weeks from now, this'll be jalapeño heaven</td></tr>
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The burning your mouth like Satan took a shit in it comes from a very interesting mechanism. It binds to a receptor called Vanilloid Receptor subtype 1 (VR1), which can also be stimulated by heat and abrasion. The thing is, capsaicin does not cause any chemical burns, or any kind of tissue damage whatsoever, it just tricks your brain into thinking you're on fire.<br />
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The ages-long argument of chiles related to peptic ulcer was later debunked, when the correlation between <i>Helicobacter pylori</i> and peptic ulcer was demonstrated. In fact, it's even less damaging than aspirin.<br />
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Allyl-isothiocyanate (<span style="font-size: x-small;">CH<sub>2</sub>CHCH<sub>2</sub>NCS</span>), on the other hand is responsible for the nasal discharge. It binds to the same receptors as capsaicin, but being a more volatile son of a bitch, is more likely to reach your nose and sinuses. The mucosal membranes interpret this as a potential environmental agression, so they start secreting large ammounts of very fluid mucus to trap the alleged offending particles.<br />
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It's found in larger ammounts in mustard and wasabi than chiles. It is fairly toxic, with a median lethal dose of 150mg/kg, and has been extensively used as a lachrimator (tear gas) and, in WWI as part of the infamous <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mustard_gas">Mustard Gas</a></i>. It's also mildly soluble in water, so yeah, drink up.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do not click here: <a href="http://www.google.com.mx/search?q=bird+droppings&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:es-MX:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=es&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1525&bih=683#um=1&hl=es&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:es-MX%3Aofficial&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=mustard+gas&oq=mustard+gas&aq=f&aqi=g2g-S1&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=166542l168027l0l168187l11l10l0l0l0l1l756l3244l2-5.1.1.1.1l9l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=bc12de3322d06054&biw=1525&bih=683">Mustard gas effects on skin</a></td></tr>
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So these are, essentially, chemical weapons. <i>How the fuck can they be good for me</i>, you ask? Well, for one, concentrations of both compounds in food are nearly negligible, so you won't die. Also, the continuous stimulation of VR1 receptors triggers the release of large ammounts of endorphins, which are the brain's way of getting high naturally. Chiles are also high in vitamin C and it has been proven that capsaicin can increase your metabollic rate and make you burn as many as 200 extra calories per day. Also, since they overstimulate the papillae on your tongue and the olfactory receptors in your nose, they can pontentiate other flavors, like chocolate. The trick is just learning how to balance them out.<br />
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So stop being a pussy and start experimenting. I promise you, you won't die.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://www.break.com/" target="_blank">Tough Guy Vs Ghost Chili Pepper</a> - Watch More<a href="http://www.break.com/">Funny Videos</a></span> </div>
<b>Sources: </b><br />
<span class="citation Journal"></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="citation" id="CITEREFJoshua_J._Tewksbury.2C_Karen_M._Reagan.2C_Noelle_J._Machnicki.2C_Tom.C3.A1s_A._Carlo.2C.0ADavid_C._Haak.2C_Alejandra_Lorena_Calder.C3.B3n_Pe.C3.B1aloza.2C_and_Douglas_J._Levey2008">Joshua
J. Tewksbury, Karen M. Reagan, Noelle J. Machnicki, Tomás A. Carlo,
David C. Haak, Alejandra Lorena Calderón Peñaloza, and Douglas J. Levey
(2008-08-19), <a class="external text" href="http://www.pnas.org/content/105/33/11808.abstract" rel="nofollow">"Evolutionary ecology of pungency in wild chilies"</a>, <i>Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences</i> <b>105</b> (33): 11808–11811, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_object_identifier" title="Digital object identifier">doi</a>:<a class="external text" href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1073%2Fpnas.0802691105" rel="nofollow">10.1073/pnas.0802691105</a><span class="reference-accessdate">, retrieved 2010-06-30</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Story GM, Crus-Orengo L (July–August 2007). "Feel the burn". American Scientist 95 (4): 326–333. doi:10.1511/2007.66.326 <span class="citation Journal"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_object_identifier" title="Digital object identifier">doi</a>:<a class="external text" href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1511%2F2007.66.326" rel="nofollow">10.1511/2007.66.326</a></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="citation Journal">López-Carrillo L, López-Cervantes M, Robles-Díaz G, <i>et al.</i> (2003). "Capsaicin consumption, Helicobacter pylori positivity and gastric cancer in Mexico". <i>Int. J. Cancer</i> <b>106</b> (2): 277–82. </span><span class="citation Journal"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_object_identifier" title="Digital object identifier">doi</a>:<a class="external text" href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1002%2Fijc.11195" rel="nofollow">10.1002/ijc.11195</a>. <a class="mw-redirect" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PubMed_Identifier" title="PubMed Identifier">PMID</a> <a class="external text" href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12800206" rel="nofollow">12800206</a></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzkcUZ7V_QD5ltpOwNBQW9zlHC8nQ30J1xvSJeHFz_aYZhedpjtZMVeoDfp6rlok3KWey8sda8CDagSHTZYwEYfjdi6QxKK6yR2fVcl5PMmspRBhF1kQj257hcV0ftlLH6SWKZ_s7iJfM/s1600/The-More-You-Nerd.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzkcUZ7V_QD5ltpOwNBQW9zlHC8nQ30J1xvSJeHFz_aYZhedpjtZMVeoDfp6rlok3KWey8sda8CDagSHTZYwEYfjdi6QxKK6yR2fVcl5PMmspRBhF1kQj257hcV0ftlLH6SWKZ_s7iJfM/s320/The-More-You-Nerd.png" width="320" /></a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-5011390920414720362011-10-03T06:30:00.000-07:002011-10-07T14:25:09.513-07:00Banana leaf-Wrapped Steamed Basa Pibil and Plantain-stuffed Poblano Peppers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So here's a real red herring for all you motherfucking haters out there. I cooked up a dish that includes most latin american stereotypes into one plate, is garnished with <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">The Mighty Crohn</a>, and still manages to pass as genuine <i>Nouvelle Cuisine Mexicaine</i>. Fuck, I'm awesome.<br />
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If you're not familiar with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Achiote">Achiote</a> (<i>Bixa orellana</i>), it's probably because you've only seen it used as a natural food coloring, annato. Achiote was introduced to the Americas by the Spanish early in the 17th century, and was quickly adopted by pretty much every one since. It's a small, deep red, inedible fruit, that contains an oily seed that is pressed or boiled to extract its flavors.<br />
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Apart from its characteristic deep red color, Achiote is appreciated for its bitter, pungent taste, akin to some types of mustard. You can find it in any Hispanic grocery store. Hell, I found it in France, so it shouldn't be a problem.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyQXER102QVJeUmWUBhT6DTzeJT2MA1_JkJ82c1RuBGKwxCRDbXYz75z__bfmT6RCcUkGAq5rw3w70EWpFb9HI9xPl_wN1PgdMfHnALuU4PaFmNE00_qX-XUGT14Rs2Ru3QVarRFOZYMQ/s1600/IMG_1745_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyQXER102QVJeUmWUBhT6DTzeJT2MA1_JkJ82c1RuBGKwxCRDbXYz75z__bfmT6RCcUkGAq5rw3w70EWpFb9HI9xPl_wN1PgdMfHnALuU4PaFmNE00_qX-XUGT14Rs2Ru3QVarRFOZYMQ/s320/IMG_1745_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is it. You will most likely find it in paste form. </td></tr>
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Take 30 g (about 1 Oz) of Achiote paste and put in the blender with a cup of orange juice, a tablespoon of tomato paste, salt, pepper and a splash of balsamic vinegar. This is a very basic <i>Recaudo Rojo,</i> and you can use it to baste any thing you want.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijomqIjw-SBQe7J-HLjMoNxCtsnUKPdhdCUF8O1VUe9DGojDb0XVGN7u1VDDK7rlOWR4AOWcOnS1Q0F5B7sM7Z7Randl8LJWAIb_1o9flSR4AVgjFXaYpE6_bv1E5l5pJNc4PcE9N7RAo/s1600/IMG_1756.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijomqIjw-SBQe7J-HLjMoNxCtsnUKPdhdCUF8O1VUe9DGojDb0XVGN7u1VDDK7rlOWR4AOWcOnS1Q0F5B7sM7Z7Randl8LJWAIb_1o9flSR4AVgjFXaYpE6_bv1E5l5pJNc4PcE9N7RAo/s320/IMG_1756.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remember, annato is used as a coloring. The stains NEVER come off</td></tr>
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Set this aside and start working on the side dish: Plantain-stuffed Poblanos with goat cheese:<br />
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Take 6 large poblano peppers and fire-roast them carefully until they're completely blackened and blistered, taking care not to over burn any of the flesh. Dunk them in an ice water bath and, as soon as they're cool to touch, peel them carefully and set them aside. This can be done up to 48 hours ahead. Whole peppers can be frozen for 3 months.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuj1uW9qV7UT1KwbpoX7wyAjO-EMThuggV4LwvPp1vH8Qx-1v1dg92wTMH_dN9Ix43my1lmmD-S1mqIRDT90jx0JmUqAiEdFpDWjFu8N2VxQ3u8UoRSPXpO83f_YJ05jMFiRjgE_qxtMA/s1600/DSCF5768_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuj1uW9qV7UT1KwbpoX7wyAjO-EMThuggV4LwvPp1vH8Qx-1v1dg92wTMH_dN9Ix43my1lmmD-S1mqIRDT90jx0JmUqAiEdFpDWjFu8N2VxQ3u8UoRSPXpO83f_YJ05jMFiRjgE_qxtMA/s320/DSCF5768_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sometimes, you may find these frozen whole. These are acceptable substitutes</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB6A-8kIbIyDMPV7iCKZUvbBHBKmOD-4rUG9GZOtUzXzruH59VNV4qPLvm1WjgykePuQwYrUcOza_37X11iXSBPeltXLTvc8-iiMy_hCtvD0UR7ehmwVI-hWY-GBFTihxFF-Id3iSkET0/s1600/DSCF5769_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB6A-8kIbIyDMPV7iCKZUvbBHBKmOD-4rUG9GZOtUzXzruH59VNV4qPLvm1WjgykePuQwYrUcOza_37X11iXSBPeltXLTvc8-iiMy_hCtvD0UR7ehmwVI-hWY-GBFTihxFF-Id3iSkET0/s320/DSCF5769_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Under no circumstances are you allowed to buy them canned.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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While the chiles cool, take 3 plantains. Plantains are not bananas, but a close ancestor of the ubiquitous Cavendish variety we eat every day. They are much tougher than bananas and taste like sweet potatoes when they ripen. You need these to look like they're spoiled, otherwise they will taste no diferent than starchy potatoes<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwSNO91AMSWwWhSmri_Cs6Xc-yAIHM3yCN1-KAvozyggHYOc94rvpmv7zwllHzPOecrYFvRsMYKduR2a3ZUMLYhnPrO9PPWEBKlVfjm6EvjCppyW2EGt9ER5Rp3UY6rt3ymNHg3hYdll4/s1600/IMG_1737_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwSNO91AMSWwWhSmri_Cs6Xc-yAIHM3yCN1-KAvozyggHYOc94rvpmv7zwllHzPOecrYFvRsMYKduR2a3ZUMLYhnPrO9PPWEBKlVfjm6EvjCppyW2EGt9ER5Rp3UY6rt3ymNHg3hYdll4/s320/IMG_1737_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know they look like turds, but trust me, they're delicious</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie1qOM7Ykr0ZkvsHdYyES-Ga9LKGhfprEJ81gFf1VXIrv6iJtXSftyKMCqlwFpeporSnkCbN30KpnpIy7Yi4PZNZDScJzh2DqVfiEyLiC988l4IyIbTliI8QbWxl6WePh-xoROhSL-7nc/s1600/IMG_1738_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie1qOM7Ykr0ZkvsHdYyES-Ga9LKGhfprEJ81gFf1VXIrv6iJtXSftyKMCqlwFpeporSnkCbN30KpnpIy7Yi4PZNZDScJzh2DqVfiEyLiC988l4IyIbTliI8QbWxl6WePh-xoROhSL-7nc/s320/IMG_1738_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See that lovely flesh? not turd-like at all</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Peel them and chop them roughly. Boil them in abundant salted water until they come apart. Watch the pot for overflowing foam. Drain and add 2 Tbsps butter and 1/2 cup milk, salt and pepper, and stir them to make the puree.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIfc0Ohi7YBr_cTDFfSH3wqyqqIS4clEn5hTssnQvdmXIaK53o5eIV64lNtnEFj0fW5qqEXvUXnDnBlEgK4VB8Zgowq2kNtDaD4F5AMWD2BcrOIi4M0Y3dnzJHDS46tZQfV1VSxvu6wJk/s1600/IMG_1761.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIfc0Ohi7YBr_cTDFfSH3wqyqqIS4clEn5hTssnQvdmXIaK53o5eIV64lNtnEFj0fW5qqEXvUXnDnBlEgK4VB8Zgowq2kNtDaD4F5AMWD2BcrOIi4M0Y3dnzJHDS46tZQfV1VSxvu6wJk/s320/IMG_1761.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I read somewhere that this is called "Fru-fru" in some places in Africa... WTF?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
When the peppers are cool, open a slit in their flat side. Don't be a pussy and gut'em. Be a man and keep the veins and seeds. They taste awesome and offer an interesting contrast to the semisweet puree. Stuff each pepper with 3 tablespoons of the puree and 2 tablespoons of your favorite goat cheese, in this case, chevre. Keep them warm in the oven.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy6p4dC0disRsLk5a6hn1HxgMnMTWnL3CN8_mBbZoJlwc1GXGiAQ8AlcE9M1GnLJDgDjXJy-D6H8jSPGpt1WBv2f81DSHYy0CBDIAuOlROBZibVi-tN1kwdI2_wPRsbzCx-tXUE4mqf5U/s1600/IMG_1767.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy6p4dC0disRsLk5a6hn1HxgMnMTWnL3CN8_mBbZoJlwc1GXGiAQ8AlcE9M1GnLJDgDjXJy-D6H8jSPGpt1WBv2f81DSHYy0CBDIAuOlROBZibVi-tN1kwdI2_wPRsbzCx-tXUE4mqf5U/s320/IMG_1767.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know what you're thinking, you perv... ¬¬</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC2wg8YO9_e-Fjy1xSFKpfK1wCG2QNUShOWKUtQ9nCwLoS9Joz00jSvzLbPKGcvvl49_F3LSP24RHnYmdblHoP5fd9JkvLL_J73VsAJAxiT9Pyr4wFJal_MQuA7dmQQc8DoH1jzG2nnoA/s1600/DSCF5764.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC2wg8YO9_e-Fjy1xSFKpfK1wCG2QNUShOWKUtQ9nCwLoS9Joz00jSvzLbPKGcvvl49_F3LSP24RHnYmdblHoP5fd9JkvLL_J73VsAJAxiT9Pyr4wFJal_MQuA7dmQQc8DoH1jzG2nnoA/s320/DSCF5764.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ashes completely optional. You can also try Feta and Manchego</td></tr>
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Now the fun part. These are banana leaves. They can often be found fresh or frozen in Asian and Hispanic supermarkets. They smell like green banana peels and lend food a pleasant and unique flavor. Place a large piece over a foil sheet, place a fish filet (in this case, Basa, a type of vietnamese catfish) on top of it, douse with 4 Tbsps of Recaudo Rojo and roll. Then fold the banana leaf in thirds over the fish and wrap it tightly with aluminum foil.<br />
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Make sure your packets are perfectly sealed and place them on a hot skillet over a medium flame for 15-20 minutes. Test for doneness by pricking with a toothpick, the fish should be soft. If your packets are not tightly sealed, all the liquid will boil and escape and burn and you'll look like an asshole. You don't want that, do you?<br />
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Serve along the stuffed peppers and some rice and beans to instigate the haters. Top with abundant <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html"><b>Crohn</b></a>. This is vital. <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html"><b>Crohn</b></a> brings the whole thing together.<br />
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Printer Friendly Version:<br />
Steamed Catfish Pibil with Pickled Radish and Plantain-stuffed Poblanos (Pescado Pibil con Escabeche de Rábano y Chiles Poblanos rellenos de Plátano Macho)<br />
Serves 6<br />
<br />
For the fish:<br />
6 banana leaves <br />
6 large basa fillets<br />
30g achiote paste<br />
1 Tbsp thinck tomato paste <br />
1 cup orange juice<br />
Splash of balsamic vinegar<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
<a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Lots of Crohn</a><br />
<br />
For the peppers:<br />
6 large poblano peppers, roasted and cleaned<br />
3 medium ripe plantains, chopped<br />
2 Tbsps unsalted butter<br />
1/2 cup whole milk<br />
12 oz chevre<br />
<ul>
<li>Start by blending the achiote, OJ, tomato paste, vinegar, salt and pepper. Set this aside.</li>
<li>Boil the plantains in salted water for 20 minutes, drain and mash with butter and milk. Adjust seasoning to taste</li>
<li>Stuff the peppers with 3 Tbsps of plantain puree and 2 oz of goat cheese each, set aside.</li>
<li>Lay your fish fillet on a banana leaf. Douse with the Recaudo Rojo and roll. Fold the banana leaf over the fish and wrap the whole thing tightly in aluminum foil</li>
<li>Grill the packets for 20 minutes over a medium flame</li>
<li>Serve topped with abundant <a href="http://shutup-and-eat.blogspot.com/2011/09/crohn-destroyer-of-colons-escabeche-de.html">Crohn</a></li>
<li>Be FUCKING AWESOME</li>
<li>And, for the love of Odin, leave a comment!</li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGSrTFfjC_dwE70nLFlEY6h3gHL1PijYDas1V2TE84XZItrwKjTj9MlzPxgf-4I70UEUySEiXDIS6JOGDTVyvMdabqhhQSstxpl6JTsj4NM1fvnqM7NoKsXGyjWxRJ9Kuq-o1dF672_NE/s1600/thumbs-up-guy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGSrTFfjC_dwE70nLFlEY6h3gHL1PijYDas1V2TE84XZItrwKjTj9MlzPxgf-4I70UEUySEiXDIS6JOGDTVyvMdabqhhQSstxpl6JTsj4NM1fvnqM7NoKsXGyjWxRJ9Kuq-o1dF672_NE/s1600/thumbs-up-guy.gif" /></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-62469281446403846742011-09-27T07:00:00.000-07:002011-09-27T11:59:42.242-07:00Crohn, the Destroyer of Colons (Escabeche de Habanero y Rábano)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVZAvwPpJcj1pilza2-nPqqdGw6iunGwjoyePlMNf99JT3ylyd5GfvbhxEOeCXU3qa14aXKEMlmHZI8-hsDlsFAom48E43AYsrVCrVWsK2zm9Ve8BcO8de3MnqSlNYrPPhDNBQrfyCD9g/s1600/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6GWmkExotxkwpkkq5efTGUG84E5GTXnNXPXe9kidyeNMgTBVAimmrd3KPvNnRfd3YbDtSDTszhM3weAPjaiplhoe6ql1aD-zmt5cxNfAR6VzGrlZ404nscAVulUH1qYmS_bYu1z3m324/s1600/1961248027554499981.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6GWmkExotxkwpkkq5efTGUG84E5GTXnNXPXe9kidyeNMgTBVAimmrd3KPvNnRfd3YbDtSDTszhM3weAPjaiplhoe6ql1aD-zmt5cxNfAR6VzGrlZ404nscAVulUH1qYmS_bYu1z3m324/s200/1961248027554499981.jpg" width="200" /></a>Those of you that are into history/fantasy/videogames/RPGs must be familiar with the concept of Mythical weapons having proper names. Indeed, in many cultures, weapons were attributed magical properties and sometimes, souls. From the famed <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excalibur">Excalibur</a> of Arthurian Legend, to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masamune">Masamune</a> of japanese myth, to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mj%C3%B6lnir">Mjölnir</a> held by Thor, nearly every civilization with some degree of belic badassitude has at least one weapon held in such esteem.<br />
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With this in mind, I present to you <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burrill_Bernard_Crohn">CROHN</a>!, The Destroyer of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colon_%28anatomy%29">Colons</a>!<br />
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This is a salsa so fucking awesome it straddles the line between salsa and slaw and becomes something greater. It's a neon demon of intestinal disruption so powerful, yet so seductive, your mouth will never, ever, be the same. <br />
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Strictly speaking, this is the freaky love child of an <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escabeche">Escabeche</a> marinade and a super hot salsa. I swear, I still haven't found a protein that doesn't agree with it. From beef, to chicken, to fish tacos... hell, even fucking deep fried tofu gets an unexpected upgrade from just a few tablespoons of this shit.<br />
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WARNING! Even this pussyfied, toned down version packs a serious punch to the sigmoid. Do not attempt if you have some intestinal condition or a congenital lack of testiclular fortitude.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc8G52ZQB0tiUiwdd7yoK6cyX1ZrbR1JwlppFrJ01bKuBx1yXOBM4_8SCK9MWzi_F8yaXfS78ia0CN1f-4Sekblyfhd4UIbrbkwUUyvlv9iC7P0q2rDqp0iQFW0j4EfIOK_L3BC3Z9CV8/s1600/tumblr_lng2yrHPWI1qjdsi1o1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc8G52ZQB0tiUiwdd7yoK6cyX1ZrbR1JwlppFrJ01bKuBx1yXOBM4_8SCK9MWzi_F8yaXfS78ia0CN1f-4Sekblyfhd4UIbrbkwUUyvlv9iC7P0q2rDqp0iQFW0j4EfIOK_L3BC3Z9CV8/s1600/tumblr_lng2yrHPWI1qjdsi1o1_500.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This could be your colon</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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That said, start with as many habaneros as you can handle. I usually include 1 per person, but for this particular post, we'll use only 2. Char them on a griddle. This is called "torear", litterally meaning "pissing them off". Get them nice and chared and let them cool to room temperature.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoEWv9D9PIjWSNHBHzPVc7Vla676yOHVHABZjpu1krwkEPmneQWgVPP2GfPeUMyJTzmFEDU9NlumU7qm5z03YnW1W8qUZ_Cv8xmBmh-c9CxB7XHUd6hJSUYolN1Mdb-nwZiKSfcTC4AiY/s1600/DSCF5701.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoEWv9D9PIjWSNHBHzPVc7Vla676yOHVHABZjpu1krwkEPmneQWgVPP2GfPeUMyJTzmFEDU9NlumU7qm5z03YnW1W8qUZ_Cv8xmBmh-c9CxB7XHUd6hJSUYolN1Mdb-nwZiKSfcTC4AiY/s320/DSCF5701.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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While the chiles cool, start julienning 3 bunches of radishes.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgavkNKesA3H5q34HsuYG6k0voXJeiYG4XEqXYwW41Tq2TlN_Z1Liq4zJ0ONbRPIH_5hFPvk-0tlk9szRzXmp4UbfuZLDF80wLbt_LHDHmTsUysP5TEgkWdcqjr0WOEmUVoz4luHba4n7k/s1600/DSCF5713_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgavkNKesA3H5q34HsuYG6k0voXJeiYG4XEqXYwW41Tq2TlN_Z1Liq4zJ0ONbRPIH_5hFPvk-0tlk9szRzXmp4UbfuZLDF80wLbt_LHDHmTsUysP5TEgkWdcqjr0WOEmUVoz4luHba4n7k/s320/DSCF5713_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg_giolOOen2D-g-2CjoOmAdOGBP94h9TsHPAl32JGLXv1I4lVkrah1lXyNxYet3ognBJMl4sv6VeqN62ltGZy96hjYsqLQFIWFb0rltnkzHIRogDgNGwqPkZ9uvKVZC9-BLR4LvQgag/s1600/DSCF5715_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3KmgTPICRCanXx89qvOAQUTQFAmgYVdKKSWUYZaBcFBBzDy6VWTAlqc7Qa7AKF5BYORRUuDq0IsxsfnM8-kvYXpPBaTkTRmcx-O6Q0t5cAdGhyJUCopBWrU-XtDup9cmzCe_-TH-gf8/s1600/DSCF5739_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a>Follow with a large red onion, cut in <i>mezzalunas.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg_giolOOen2D-g-2CjoOmAdOGBP94h9TsHPAl32JGLXv1I4lVkrah1lXyNxYet3ognBJMl4sv6VeqN62ltGZy96hjYsqLQFIWFb0rltnkzHIRogDgNGwqPkZ9uvKVZC9-BLR4LvQgag/s1600/DSCF5715_picnik.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg_giolOOen2D-g-2CjoOmAdOGBP94h9TsHPAl32JGLXv1I4lVkrah1lXyNxYet3ognBJMl4sv6VeqN62ltGZy96hjYsqLQFIWFb0rltnkzHIRogDgNGwqPkZ9uvKVZC9-BLR4LvQgag/s320/DSCF5715_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6OMXSIVRYozY5IHGZ_K1YDcWxBrVdRukwrB2CwRepzPMXyanvlearzCBuFFNT_WFhVi21bFK6R1PxVhb6gMhTCftU-mZE0QbzJvGB5vI9-l-UipSGprlVVQPLDdnHg0bviRHB31oLKt0/s1600/DSCF5716_picnik.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6OMXSIVRYozY5IHGZ_K1YDcWxBrVdRukwrB2CwRepzPMXyanvlearzCBuFFNT_WFhVi21bFK6R1PxVhb6gMhTCftU-mZE0QbzJvGB5vI9-l-UipSGprlVVQPLDdnHg0bviRHB31oLKt0/s320/DSCF5716_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a> </div>
Put them<i> </i>in a bowl with a bunch of finely chopped cilantro. You can tell by now I fucking <i>love</i> cilantro like a fat kid loves his pie.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcY53JoA3Amtzp0h6gwUzTOwog0GPdIuQNSdmyCiXp_QVijXb4-kId1TMwutWOuLyOkSOJVOn3vOtZqvZsokYtUn-Ir-Dwl4WLCEkaMuEyAxQyNEeZxIsuuUaxCS9oMAo-1P7_d1rtMLk/s1600/DSCF5720_picnik.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcY53JoA3Amtzp0h6gwUzTOwog0GPdIuQNSdmyCiXp_QVijXb4-kId1TMwutWOuLyOkSOJVOn3vOtZqvZsokYtUn-Ir-Dwl4WLCEkaMuEyAxQyNEeZxIsuuUaxCS9oMAo-1P7_d1rtMLk/s320/DSCF5720_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Now take your pissed-off habaneros and chop them finely, seeds and all. You can tell this is gonna hurt coz I'm using a fork. Add them to the rest of the vegetables.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRoOjt-wwCRQh0hGFYDJlFuCCsgMXltPy14nfoMtBiuePCpz90zfAWghBD6ne6h38OyKUBZQE4oF-Jo6WPIn-vCZUOCTEvFmRIzvOsfkBi987OUxZ_dBlGwwfPHmslCJQp9IWTzaW84g8/s1600/DSCF5730_picnik.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRoOjt-wwCRQh0hGFYDJlFuCCsgMXltPy14nfoMtBiuePCpz90zfAWghBD6ne6h38OyKUBZQE4oF-Jo6WPIn-vCZUOCTEvFmRIzvOsfkBi987OUxZ_dBlGwwfPHmslCJQp9IWTzaW84g8/s320/DSCF5730_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I mean, I watched 2 girls 1 cup while eating chocolate ice-cream, and I still respect them this much. </td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIDpsnaH0vqsJhZGIAq1gxV2dqGZQ71hxC-i9IAJAkTCFQlISTYQ8IbbAtURGqcYwdFXcsFxdopa2d_hJC9m491rc6Y3JfUvDavjDS1W3wDAoZkpiQKzOqJ5Y24tcdPZlqWc4tVHt_k4s/s1600/DSCF5735.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIDpsnaH0vqsJhZGIAq1gxV2dqGZQ71hxC-i9IAJAkTCFQlISTYQ8IbbAtURGqcYwdFXcsFxdopa2d_hJC9m491rc6Y3JfUvDavjDS1W3wDAoZkpiQKzOqJ5Y24tcdPZlqWc4tVHt_k4s/s320/DSCF5735.JPG" width="320" /></a> </div>
Now take 1 1/2 cups of orange juice, add 1/2 cup of white vinegar, douchebag italian sea salt to taste and 2 Tbsp of dried oregano and nuke on high for 90 seconds to dissolve the salt. Add this to the vegetables along with 2 Tbsps of whole black peppercorns. Adjust salt to taste.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh45RNe1s1p7XOjSkug_BKuD5Om6R9pkbJ6b8q5RJrovbrKIQUMvTNJSTrU6aAccknnkx3aZaPUvH0Hb6K9336BilIMqHgxvtxQ_areVMyIEfFsy-k81aKEadEo__Yzp3FSp6fBk4kcOU/s1600/DSCF5739_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh45RNe1s1p7XOjSkug_BKuD5Om6R9pkbJ6b8q5RJrovbrKIQUMvTNJSTrU6aAccknnkx3aZaPUvH0Hb6K9336BilIMqHgxvtxQ_areVMyIEfFsy-k81aKEadEo__Yzp3FSp6fBk4kcOU/s320/DSCF5739_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMoBLxMKkQ1xm9xF0nPr-AxgfbZBU0srhaZjDh-x2bunVTiK7Cgn-nSLlNayTGF_-_PSeqehGetOJqvCUX2h8E-lXhwCXwrwadIAqpmyD6VhKUehGD7-t5KDxBOy2BiX-P84PS9MNrEWU/s1600/DSCF5741.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMoBLxMKkQ1xm9xF0nPr-AxgfbZBU0srhaZjDh-x2bunVTiK7Cgn-nSLlNayTGF_-_PSeqehGetOJqvCUX2h8E-lXhwCXwrwadIAqpmyD6VhKUehGD7-t5KDxBOy2BiX-P84PS9MNrEWU/s320/DSCF5741.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The fucking Guido of Salts</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDa2C2oWphV90bgagi1oX_TPlW0X2ADnGbiu-RhkrWdbbnsv7NbGa_Rpm48YnxQWldpLObx5pQ9Nk0AFRmKzjOlAykaUnxD0SOweqiWSAkAEd67YDvnw8fHYDQl1lkM9ZIDjlAGqT1y0w/s1600/DSCF5746.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDa2C2oWphV90bgagi1oX_TPlW0X2ADnGbiu-RhkrWdbbnsv7NbGa_Rpm48YnxQWldpLObx5pQ9Nk0AFRmKzjOlAykaUnxD0SOweqiWSAkAEd67YDvnw8fHYDQl1lkM9ZIDjlAGqT1y0w/s320/DSCF5746.JPG" width="320" /></a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhys-YiOw53y9IbVCv3H9wvZbO-4bTXvAbJqtMOBHejX745uD41uuaDDxuUvg9UPlZbVjIVZPGfc2SuzaiPGE-WVZPk8GhMvvzir8S4h0lk8oCWP0HbfPDPtM8nqaFCbtG-_lUL0ngZBN0/s1600/DSCF5749_picnik.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhys-YiOw53y9IbVCv3H9wvZbO-4bTXvAbJqtMOBHejX745uD41uuaDDxuUvg9UPlZbVjIVZPGfc2SuzaiPGE-WVZPk8GhMvvzir8S4h0lk8oCWP0HbfPDPtM8nqaFCbtG-_lUL0ngZBN0/s320/DSCF5749_picnik.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Give a good stir to dissolve all the salt</td></tr>
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This needs to sit in your fridge for at least 1 hour. As the onions pickle, they'll turn an unnerving shade of neon pink. As soon as they do, they're ready to eat.<br />
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Printer-Friendly version: Crohn, the Destroyer of Colons<br />
3 bunches or radishes, jullienned (3 cups).<br />
1 large red onion, cut to mezzaluna (2 cups).<br />
1 bunch cilantro, finely chopped (1 cup).<br />
As many habanero peppers as your pussy-ass intestines can handle, chared and chopped.<br />
1 1/2 cups orange juice + 1/2 cup white vinegar (alternatively, 2 cups sour orange juice to score some serious cuban points)<br />
2 Tbsps sea salt<br />
2 Tbsps dried oregano<br />
2 Tbsps whole black peppercorns<br />
<ol>
<li>Place everything in a bowl, stir well.</li>
<li>Let the onions turn a decievingly adorable shade of neon pink.</li>
<li>Be fucking awesome and put it on everything.</li>
<li>Leave a comment, it's the least you can do.</li>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVZAvwPpJcj1pilza2-nPqqdGw6iunGwjoyePlMNf99JT3ylyd5GfvbhxEOeCXU3qa14aXKEMlmHZI8-hsDlsFAom48E43AYsrVCrVWsK2zm9Ve8BcO8de3MnqSlNYrPPhDNBQrfyCD9g/s1600/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVZAvwPpJcj1pilza2-nPqqdGw6iunGwjoyePlMNf99JT3ylyd5GfvbhxEOeCXU3qa14aXKEMlmHZI8-hsDlsFAom48E43AYsrVCrVWsK2zm9Ve8BcO8de3MnqSlNYrPPhDNBQrfyCD9g/s200/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" width="200" /> </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
By the way, stay tuned for next week's post, there will be an AWESOME application for Crohn </div>
<ol>
</ol>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07555764860885423759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3650661683589710526.post-47400601280831889772011-09-20T07:43:00.000-07:002011-09-24T15:55:24.150-07:00Meze, Part 5: Salat Aravi<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bale-Christ thinks it's Delicious</td></tr>
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And we finally reach the conclusion of our Epic Meze Weekend with the one salad I could eat for the rest of my life: Salat Aravi. According to <a href="http://www.israelispeakers.co.il/110277/Gil-Hovav">Gil Hovav</a>, this salad is the single most iconic dish of Israeli cuisine (you should read whatever this guy types, He is fucking AWESOME), even though it was apropriated by Israeli Jews from Arabs since time inmemorial. It's got as many variations as there are cooks arround the mediterranian, but the one thing they have in common is that all the vegetables are chopped as finely and uniformly as possible. This is the measure of the cook's ability and knife skills.<br />
<br />
For this recipe, I'm going with the more traditional morroccan version, which is my all-time favorite. It brings fond memories of all my amazing travels to Morrocco (through the Food Network and Travel Channel, of course), and is always a hallmark of summer in my house.<br />
<br />
So start with 2 large cucumbers, peeled, and cube them uniformly. Size is up to you, I like my salad to feel like a salad and not a salsa.<br />
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Next, seed and chop 4 medium tomatoes to roughly the same size as your cucumbers.<br />
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Finely chop the greens from a whole bunch of scallions and a bunch of cilantro. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFnlL5WlaYd3XF_a5rxC9xwPHwuvKEnjhU_gk07BW6h9Drhgd9R19e8v4HxEMdm5LCRpG69uI7M90hoh2eD8gKvMdIZpb6jWNZD9wOofy-g09fYLU8RWtykbhPx1TJOhu6g8xjutpNwmY/s1600/IMG_1543.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFnlL5WlaYd3XF_a5rxC9xwPHwuvKEnjhU_gk07BW6h9Drhgd9R19e8v4HxEMdm5LCRpG69uI7M90hoh2eD8gKvMdIZpb6jWNZD9wOofy-g09fYLU8RWtykbhPx1TJOhu6g8xjutpNwmY/s320/IMG_1543.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fucking Kitchen Ninja skillz right here</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Now put your vegetables in a bowl... <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAAp83ptzoTOfTwVgfCmDGaSsY82Mx-g8uXop0vI_M6lV4j-fEaUTczkhf2weFt4pHNK65AZlRTUNBPqoYh7FMhTE6jyX6s7w1flAGjBGKmuvPRZRC4sTWM8_tDQCu69NsIis4QD55ItY/s1600/jaws-bigger-boat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAAp83ptzoTOfTwVgfCmDGaSsY82Mx-g8uXop0vI_M6lV4j-fEaUTczkhf2weFt4pHNK65AZlRTUNBPqoYh7FMhTE6jyX6s7w1flAGjBGKmuvPRZRC4sTWM8_tDQCu69NsIis4QD55ItY/s1600/jaws-bigger-boat.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shit.... We're gonna need a bigger bowl.....</td></tr>
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...or two...<br />
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... and add about 3 heaping tablespoons of dried dill. This is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dill">dill</a>. Some jars will say "Dill Weed". You can't smoke it, dumb ass, so don't try it. Dried dill is a lot less flavorful than fresh. You'll want to use a lot more than 3 Tbsps if you jar's been sitting on the shelf for too long.<br />
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Dress the salad using 1/2 a cup of olive oil, 1 cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice, salt and pepper.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrJAA9jBsLLCklhIGxn0IV7Mf5AWTe2HtBjl5H4kw_jE4xj0y4AwMDhRd8RONGQtMCxXFOLzQ_mPXq541leusWV1fQKGW49-mh8API2M8rwGeaK3VzXcadv_hLAN9-bBzSGiAiEpFNzaI/s1600/IMG_1550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrJAA9jBsLLCklhIGxn0IV7Mf5AWTe2HtBjl5H4kw_jE4xj0y4AwMDhRd8RONGQtMCxXFOLzQ_mPXq541leusWV1fQKGW49-mh8API2M8rwGeaK3VzXcadv_hLAN9-bBzSGiAiEpFNzaI/s320/IMG_1550.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Turns out it did fit in one bowl....</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Let it sit in the fridge for a few hours and prepare to have you mind blown<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOHX2E8pXyalxLfFUNXUPiQmJuz1KdK_qYvIbnm0QHPqBQTTMzCS_uf4_fDM3VnuMK4Qy-T4aYfGMDRaecxo-W8Jd-XHK-zjf7zr9oGeU4tEqNLdRWoSscjTTOT6uqAFUrWdEHuzP7VSQ/s1600/IMG_1552.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOHX2E8pXyalxLfFUNXUPiQmJuz1KdK_qYvIbnm0QHPqBQTTMzCS_uf4_fDM3VnuMK4Qy-T4aYfGMDRaecxo-W8Jd-XHK-zjf7zr9oGeU4tEqNLdRWoSscjTTOT6uqAFUrWdEHuzP7VSQ/s320/IMG_1552.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Printer-Friendly Version:<br />
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2 very large cucumbers, peeled and chopped<br />
4 medium tomatoes, seeded and chopped<br />
1 bunch scallions, finely chopped<br />
1 bunch cilantro, finely chopped<br />
3 Tbsp chopped dill <br />
1 cup lemon juice<br />
1/2 cup olive oil<br />
Salt and pepper to taste<br />
<ol>
<li>Throw everything in a bowl</li>
<li>Fucking rule the table, yet again</li>
<li>Leave a comment, awesome people do.</li>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQWpQZCgSSihudyNS57IW44GXvI80YOtTwTCyS6W-vvCwbyHrKlFj1ePZHEJcSpY8Le-quk64JS1xrI6_Mf2XLVEO0AgFcdvRAHQ2p1W4-YstMvvIuzmKBFxu6MZJv7C8CqaAgWcSdbA8/s1600/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQWpQZCgSSihudyNS57IW44GXvI80YOtTwTCyS6W-vvCwbyHrKlFj1ePZHEJcSpY8Le-quk64JS1xrI6_Mf2XLVEO0AgFcdvRAHQ2p1W4-YstMvvIuzmKBFxu6MZJv7C8CqaAgWcSdbA8/s200/toast-catch-meme-fuck-yeah.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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