Sweet and Spicy Roast Cornish Hen

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MOTHERFUCKEEEEERS!!!!!

One of my resolutions for this year is actually getting on my ass and shit out 52 brand new recipes, one each week (no fixed day, though) for the entirety of 2015. A daunting task, but now that it's made public, feel free to ride my ass if I don't pull through.

The inspiration for this dish came from watching Heston's Feasts. I've long been a fan and had an unhealthy mancrush on Heston Blumenthal, and his Gothic Special really stuck to me. I'm no t using any kind of blood in this recipe, but the idea of tinting everything with beet juice had been haunting me for weeks.

So, with no further ado, grab yourself 2 cornish hens. This is simply a chicken killed in its teenage years, right before it learned about porn. Gloat in the pleasure of cock-blocking and actual cock and clean them thoroughly.

Next, proceed to de-bone the poor fuckers. I won't go into much detail, because, let's face it, if you can't de-bone a bird, you have no business reading my blog. (or, if you're as persistent as you're retarded, check out Chef Jaques Pepin's absolutely bitchin' foolproof method).

Now make the marinade. This is Jack Lalanne's Power Juicer. I had seen this thing on late night infomercials all my life and only recently found it. I'm in love. This thing can juice a fucking rock, Juice two large beets, for about a cup and half of juice. Reserve half of it. Add 3 Tbsps of Sriracha and 3 Tbsps of balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper to taste (hint: a shitload of pepper) and marinate for a few hours in a ziploc bag.

While the bird marinates, prepare the filling. This is basically a simple hash made with 1 cup of chopped beets, 1/2 cup chopped carrots and 2 Tbsps chopped onion. Sal, pepper and parsley. No big deal, just fry it up til the vegetables are softened. Reserve.

As for the sauce, reduce the 3/4cup of reserved beet juice ovar a medium flame along 3/4 cup red wine and 2 Tbsps dark soy sauce until it boils down to 4 Tbsps. It should take you about 20 mins. It's a glorious, sticky shit that will make your taste buds dance with joy.

A few hours and more than a few beer later, take the birds out of the marinade and discard that shit, unless you want to die of Salmonella poisoning like a common dipshit.

Spread about 1/3 cup of steamed rice over the bird and inside the thighs, then half of the beet hash. Now close it back up and interlock the wings in some freaky MMA kind of arm lock, then flip that shit over and truss at least 3 times, starting at the knees.

Place on a baking tray and roast at 220°C / 420°F for 30 mins, then turn off the oven and let it rest for 10 more minutes inside.

To plate, drop 2 Tbsps of the beet reduction on the edge of a plate, then smear it around with the back of a spoon. Place a tiny quenelle of rice in front of it to prop up the bird and lean the hen against it. Remove the fucking kitchen twine, obviously.

 

BOOOM! Bitch!

Feed it to your victim and prepare to fornicate like a rabid tazmanian devil in heat.

Printer Friendly Version
Sweet and Spicy Roast Cornish Hen
Serves 2 horny motherfuckers

2 cornish hens, rinsed, patted dry and deboned

1 1/2 cups beet juice, separated.
3 Tbsps Sriracha
3/4 cup Red Wine (whatever kind, just remember: If you can't drink it, don't fucking cook with it)
3 Tbsps Balsamic Vinegar
2 Tbsps dark Soy sauce

1 cup chopped beet
1/2 cup chopped carrots
2 Tbsps finely chopped onion
2 Tbsps finely chopped parsley
1 Tbsp corn oil
Salt and pepper

1 cup steamed white rice

1. Marinate the hens in a mixture of half the beet juice, all of the sriracha and balsamic vinegar for at least 30mins and uo to 6 hour.
2. Fry the chopped vegetables in corn oil on a very high heat until softened and browned, about 15 minutes, then add the parsley and reserve.
3. Reduce the rest of the beet juice with the red wine and soy sauce until it thickens and boils down to 4 Tbsps.
4. Stuff the hens with the steamed rice and hash, then overlap the edges and truss to close. Roast at 220°C/420°F for 30 mins, then turn off the heat and let it rest for 10 mins
5. Plate, eat. Get drunk. Bump uglies. LEAVE A FUCKING COMMENT.