Gravlax

I meant to post this before Valentine's, but couldn't find the time to do it. Sorry, guys.

But let's say you need to feed a naked woman, either because you fucked up big time and need a ticket out of the doghouse, or because some great miracle you managed to lure an unsuspecting victim into your filthy man-cave. Never fear, brother. I got your ass covered.

Just let me clear something: This shit needs planning. Not a lot of elbow grease, but definitely some planning. So get your ass ready as soon as you fuck up, or hook up.

Gravlax (grav = grave, lax = salmon) is an ancient recipe, dating all the way back to the Middle Ages, when scandinavian fishermen would wrap their salmon in birch leaves and bury it to ferment near the shoreline. Much like 17th century japanese fishermen fermented their fish in soured rice (SUSHI!). Actual fermentation is no longer that important, and has been replaced with curing.

So let's start with a 1 lb fillet of salmon. Carefully remove any bones left and skin it. If you lack the tools or basic motor skills, ask your fishmonger to do it for you, then leave the place with your head down and your shoulders shrugged in shame. Trim the odd bits from your fillet (and eat that shit raw, you big fucking pussy), then cut it in half.

Now, line a large baking tray with several overlapping layers of cling film. Place a few sheets of nori on top.

Mix 1.5 cups of regular table salt and 1.5 cups sugar in a bowl. Don't splurge the Benjamins on this shit, coz you'll be washing it off in a few days anyway. Dump 1/3 of the mix on the nori, then place the first fillet on top.

Sprinkle some more of the sugar and salt mixture on the fish, then a lot of dill, fresh or dried. Now take a small, raw beet root and grate the shit of of it on the fish. This will give it a nice earthy flavor and color it a totally gay shade of reddish purple that'll look awesome when we're done.

Add some more dill, salt and sugar and lay the second fillet on top. Sprinkle the rest of the salt and sugar mixture, then cover with a few more nori sheets. Now wrap this shit tight -and I mean italian-nun-tight - in several layers of cling film. Place it in a ziploc bag and forget about it in your fridge for 2 to 4 days.

Unlike when you're curing bacon, you don't need to fuck around with it during its curing time, so just place it in the fridge with something heavy on top and leave it be. Four days later, you'll be left with this:

Bear in mind, the longer it sits, the dryer and chewier it will be.

Unwrapt it, then rinse it thoroughly to remove all the excess brine and shit. Now slice it as thinly as your dumb gorilla hands let you and cover with cling film until it's time to serve.

Look at this beautiful motherfucker, bitch! It's like the bacon of the sea

See that pinkish coloring right there? Totally not gay... well, maybe a little, but fucking awesome.

To serve, let's make some Steward Spread. Traditionally, this is made with mustard, but I couldn't find any good european mustard to mix with my cream cheese, so I made do with the shit in my fridge. This is 3 oz cream cheese, 1 oz sour cream, the zest from 1 lemon, some dill, salt and pepper.

Also, gravlax is served on rye toast, but that's impossible to find here, so some regular sourdough had to do the trick. Spread with the sauce, then let your inner florist take over and arrange the salmon slices on top. Drizzle with some olive oil and sprinkle a few drops of lemon juice. Whatever gay-as-fuck decorations you feel are necessary are welcome. In this case, beet leaves and cherry tomatoes.

Trust me, if this big fucking hairy vagina liked it, it's fucking irresistible

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Gravlax

1      1 lb salmon fillet, trimmed and halved

1.5   cups sugar

1.5   cups salt

1      small beetroot, shredded

1      cup chopped dill

4      sheets of nori

1      shitload of cling film

1      ziploc bag

Spread

3      Oz cream cheese

1      Oz sour cream

2      lemons, zested, a few drops of lemon juice

1      Tbsp dill

1      tsp salt and pepper

1. Mix the salt and sugar in a bowl, then murder your fish with it. Sandwich the dill and shredded beetroot between the fillets, then cover in nori and wrap tightly with cling film.
2. Place in ziploc bag and leave it the fuck alone for 2 to 4 days.
3. Slice as thinly as you can, or like, or whatever, it's your fish.
4. Mix all of the spread ingredients, then serve with toast.
5. Fucking rule.