The Sexy MoFo

I've been on Keto for 5 weeks so far, and I've lost ruoghly 9 Kg (20lbs) already. Yesterday, I wanted to celebrate, so I bought a couple of 1lb New York Steaks and made these. This is, by far, the most decadent piece of dead cow I've eaten; and I assure you, it's a guaranteed ticket to rock star sex.

Start with your steaks. This is New York, my second favorite cut after Prime Rib. Thesse are about a pound each, no fat trimmed. Season them profusely with sea salt and pepper and let them rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT

Fuck it, I don't want to lose that tradition. Resting your steaks while heavily salted does a number of things. First, sodium denatures and breaks colagen, so the meat will naturally tenderize. Second, it draws moisture from the steaks, which lets the surface caramelize better. Third, as it draws moisture from the meat, the liquid will dissolve some salt and allow it to be reabsorbed into the steaks, seasoning it evenly and ensuring an even distribution of juices. Also, NEVER use table salt. The iodine will turn everything bitter.

END SHELDON MOMENT

As your steaks rest, slice 1/2 an onion per person thinly across the grain, then caramelize them over a medium high flame with 2 Tbsps butter and 2 Tbsps olive oil per onion.

When your steaks reach room temperature, heat a large skillet over a very high flame and set your steaks fat-side-down to render some grease. You need to let it brown a little on the steaks, then set them flat on the skillet and cook for 10 minutes on each side (for medium), FLIPPING ONLY ONCE.

As I've said before, the flip-once phylosophy has nothing to do with being a fucking douchebag and proving your physchic meat-guessing abilities. It's actually much easier to develop an even crust by not moving your steaks around so much, and pinching or squeezing on your steaks constantly will only render more juices out of the meat. Also, it frees your hands.

Once the meat is cooked, transfer to a wire rack over a plate and cover losely with foil. Allow the steaks to rest for at least 5 minutes. This lets the colagen relax and distributes the juices evenly inside. Otherwise, you'll be left with a puddle of blood and a piece of leathery shit on your plate.

Now, while your steaks rest, return your attention to the onions. They should be nice and brown by now. Add 1/2 cup of half and half per onion, salt and pepper to taste and stir.

 Spoon the onions evenly on the steaks, then crumble 1 Oz of your favorite blue cheese on top. Now fucking melt that shit with a torch.

Serve with whatever greenery you have on hand to fill up the plate. Ignore that shit and focus on the meat.

Per serving: 1,300 kcal, 16g carbs, 55g fat, 143g protein. Not exactly low carb, but I can't imagine anyone eating more than this for a whole day, so we're cool.

The Sexy Motherfucker

Serves 2

2 New York steaks, 1 lb each

1 medium onion

2 Tbsps olive oil

2 Tbsps butter

125ml half and half

2 Oz blue cheese

Salt and pepper

1. Season your steaks profusely and let rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature.
2. Slice the onion thinly and brown on oil and butter.
3. Render some fat from each side of the steaks, then cook for 10 minutes per side, flipping only once.
4. Let the steaks rest for 5 minutes, losely covered with foil.
5. Mix the cream into the onions, then top the steaks with this and 1 Oz of blue cheese
6. Scorch the fuck out of them with a torch
7. Serve and get laid, you glorious bastard

New York Steak with Dried Cherry Balsamic Reduction and Bacon-Salted Frites

Nothing says "I love you" like steak. Well, maybe good scotch and a cigar. And a BJ. But still, steak ranks up there with the best public displays of affection conceived by mankind. And steak cooked properly, perfectly, keeping the center at 65°C while uniformly caramelizing the outside, seasoning it just right and serving it with a side of civilized potatoes can only be described as a little slice of Nirvana.

I am a Rib Eye man myself, but my family doesn't love fat as much as I do, so this time I cooked New York strip steak. New York steak comes from the short loin primal, and can often substitute for T-Bones, Porterhouses and Rib Steaks if the marbling is right.

The thing about New York steak is that it's really easy to fuck up, since it's often leaner that other cuts and will burn and dry to a rubbery piece of shit if overcooked. There is no way in Hell a self-respecting, red-blooded human can process a well-done New York steak. Seriously, if you like your steak well-done, don't eat steak. Have a rat burger at McD. Char yourself some hotdogs; after all, they're nothing but lips and assholes.

So let's start with as many steaks as there are people on your table. DO. NOT. TRIM. THE. FAT. Seriously. Don't do it, fucker. I'm watching you. Season the steaks liberally with sea salt and coarsely ground pepper and set aside for a while.

Preheat your oven to 375°F. Take some crumbled bacon and dehydrate it in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes. It should be crunchy but not chared. Let it cool and place in the food processor with at least 2x as much sea salt as bacon and a little paprika (for color). Pulse it to combine until any fat left in the bacon is indistinguishable. Set aside.

Take at least 1 potato per guest and cut into 8 regular wedges. Nuke'em for 5-6 minutes, covered, and let them rest in the microwave while you prepare the rest of the meal.

Put a couple of tablespoons of fig preserves in a sauce pan. Add some dried cherries, half a bottle of your favorite red wine (in this case, Shyraz) and a good dash of balsamic vinegar. Season with salt and pepper and simmer over a medium high flame until thickened. While you're at it, take a large pan (preferably cast-iron, and heat it over a very high flame.

Home-made, of course

As the sauce simmers, take the potato wedges out of the microwave and add a decent amount of olive oil, pepper and parmesan cheese. The heat and moisture from the potatoes will melt the cheese and make it stick to the wedges, giving you that all-natural MSG goodness that can only come from parmesan. Place them on a single layer on a cookie sheet and bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until browned.

 Once the potatoes are nice and browned, take them out of the oven and sprinkle them with bacon salt.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT

Glutamic acid is the most abundant non-essential aminoacid found in foods. Monosodium glutamate was first synthetized in 1908 by japanese scientist Kikunae Ikeda, who patented it and sold at as Aji-no-Moto (Essence of flavor), Professor Ikeda also discovered the elusive 5th flavor, umami, elicited by the activation of glutamate receptors on the tongue mucosa. All aged, dry cheeses contain vast ammounts of glutamic acid, which makes them excellent flavor enhancers. The infamous "Chinese Restaurant Syndrome" is nothing but the result of a single anecdotal report by a man called Robert Ho Man Kwok, and it has been extensively disproved.

END SHELDON MOMENT

Now add just a little olive oil to the heated pan and place the steaks (always laying them away from you, or risk grease splatter), never overcrowding the surface. Do not fucking touch them again for 5 minutes. Seriously, don't. You need them to char on the surface to develop maximum flavor. Use tongs and a large spatula to flip them. Puncturing them with a fork will only render the juices out, this creates steam and hinders  caramelization. Steaks should only be flipped once. And it's not some snobbish dick shit about knowing your meat. Steaks can be equally well cooked flipping them once or flipping them frequently. It's just more practical to leave them be and let residual heat work its magic.

Take the steaks out of the pan and add a dash of red wine to whatever browned bits were left in the pan, scrape them and add this liquid to the balsamic reduction.The steaks must rest for 5 to 10 minutes, loosely covered with aluminum foil, so that the protein relaxes and the juices are not forced out when you drive your knife through it.

Now plate, eat, and be happy!

This is my sister, a woman that despises adding fruit to anything other than a smoothie. She fucking loved it

Printer-Friandly version:
New York Steak with Dried Cherry Balsamic Reduction and Bacon-Salted Frites
Serves 6

6 New York Steaks, about 5Oz each

Balsamic reduction:
2 cups dry red wine
1 cup balsamic vinegar
1 cup dried cherries
3 Tbsps fig preserves
Salt and pepper

Bacon salt:
1/3 cup cooked bacon, dehydrated in the oven and cooled
1 cup coarse sea salt
1 Tbsp paprika

Civilized Frites
6 medium Idaho potatoes, cut in wedges
Olive oil
Pepper
Parmesan cheese

1. Season your steaks profusely with salt and pepper and set aside
2. Simmer all the sauce ingredients over a medium high flame until all of the alcohol has evaporated and the sauce thickens
3. Pulse the bacon, salt and paprika in a food processor until combined and set aside.
4. Parboil the potato wedges in the microwave, then toss with olive oil, parmesan cheese and pepper. Lay on a baking sheet and brown for 10 minutes in a 375°F oven
5. Heat a large skillet and sear the steaks for 5 to 8 minutes on each side, or until interior temperature reaches 65°C if you have a meat thermometer.
6. Deglaze the pan with a splash of red wine, then add the browned bits to the sauce.
7. Season the frites with bacon salt to taste, then plate with the steaks covered in sauce
8. Stay fucking awesome

Just In Time for Mexican Independence Day: Birria

Contrary to popular gringo belief, May 5th is most definitely fucking NOT Mexican Independence Day. May 5th commemorates the Battle of Puebla, the one time the Mexican Army defeated the French Invasion Forces (only to lose a similar battle exactly 1 year later) sent by Napoleon Bonaparte as an attempt to keep Americans in check. For some reason even we don't get, Mexican Independence Day is celebrated on September 16th, the day the War started; whereas May 5th was adopted as Mexican Heritage Day by the Miller Brewing Co. as a way to sell more beer to already alcoholic mexican immigrants. Way to go.

The origins of the dish known as birria are forever lost in time. The word itself means "unimportant" in ancient spanish. Still, it's probably the most iconic meat stew in mexican cuisine. One thing we know for certain is that it came from the state of Jalisco, although variations exist even among families in the same town. This particular recipe is sort of Jalisco-inspired, yet it misses two very important ingredients: Pulque and Maguey.

The leaves are widely used in mexican cuisine

Although some purists argue that the flavor is deeply afected by the presence of the Agave leaves, I've found it only contributes to the consistency of the broth and does little for flavoring in itself, so I completely left it out for the sake of simplicity.

Start with 1/2 a lamb (that's around 16 lbs worth of meat) left over from our previous meze night. As with all good stews, leave most of the fat, connective tisue and bones, as they will release collagen and make everything come together. Rinse the meat and rub it with salt.

We also ate his liver with a nice Chianti

Now, take 6 lbs of ripe tomatoes, chop them up in large chunks and place them in a pot with only 1 cup of water.

These are your chiles. Get good chiles from a mexican market. I mean really GOOD chiles. You could cook Kobe beef and fuck it up with shitty chiles or bottled sauces. Add 2 large anchos, 2 large Californias, 4 large Chipotles and a fistful of Árbol and Moritas to the pot with the tomatoes, along with 4 large garlic cloves and 1 large onion. Cover and steam over a low flame for 20 mins, or until the tomatoes are mashed to a paste.

Left to right: Ancho, Árbol, California, Morita and Chipotle

While the tomatoes stew, take 6lbs of beef, in this case chuck pot roast, and chop it ip in fist-sized chunks.

MEAT..... yum!

 

Blend your stewed tomatoes and feel the hair on your chest grow and your voice deepen as you smell your delicious concoction. A mustache may start to show now. Women beware of the potentially harmul effects of the pure testosterone you're handling right here.

Also known as Salsa...

Now layer the meats with some sea salt and whole peppercorns in a large pot. Pour some sauce over the whole thing. Repeat until you're done. At this point, some people add 2 cups of pulque. I couldn't find any. You can substitute with a cup of mezcal. This helps soften the meat even more and adds another layer of flavor. Cover tightly and refrigerate overnight.

Douche-ing it up with italian sea salt I actually got in Italy

The next day, take your tightly covered pot and simmer it over a medium low flame for 4 hours. Traditionally, the lid is held in place with masa. This way the steam from the stew cooks it and turns it into an airtight seal. I didn't buy mine in time, so I used aluminum foil.

Say it with me: FUCK. YEA.

DO. NOT. PEEK. Let the meat steam and do its thing. After 3 and a half hours, uncover and check for doneness. Take the larger chunks of meat and shred losely. Return to the pot and keep at a low simmer.

Be warned, the stains do not come off. Ever

 

Now serve. Take some meat, put in in a bowl, ladle some broth around it. Top with finely chopped onions and cilantro, a good squeeze of lime juice and some shredded cabbage. Make some salsa (I assume you've figured out THAT much so far) and pass it around. Supply abundant corn tortillas.
Beware of dick-exploding awesomeness (it might startle you at first, but it comes back, bigger and better).

Or make tacos, whatever rocks your boat

The Champ had at least 8 tacos

Epic Mexican Hangover Cure!

 Printer-friendly version: Birria de Borrego (Mexican Lamb Stew)
6 lbs lamb, whatever parts you like
6 lbs chuck pot roast, cubed
6 lbs tomatoes, roughly chopped
2 large Ancho chiles
2 large California chiles
4 large Chipotle chiles
50g Árbol chiles
50g Morita chiles
4 large garlic cloves
1 large onion, quartered
1/3 cup black peppercorns
Sea salt
2 cups Pulque (optional)

Garnishes: Chopped cilantro, chopped onions, limes, red salsa, corn torillas

1. Rinse your meats, pat dry and rub with salt. Let rest
2. Simmer the tomatoes, chiles, onion and garlic with very little water and blend into a thick paste
3. Mix the meats, sauce, peppercorns and salt in a large pot. Add the pulque if you get some.
4. Cover and marinate overnight. Get shitfaced during said night.
5. Cook over a low flame for 4 hours
6. Serve, cure your hangover
7. Be Awesome