Roast Venison with Balsamic Reduction Glaze

If you've never eaten venison, I pity you. Seriously, I do. Any excuse for not eating it sucks ass. You may live in a place where it's unobtainable. You may be too poor to actually afford it. You may be too much of a pussy to hunt one. Or you can be one of those ridiculous motherfuckers that won't eat venison because deer "are cute and smart". If the later is the case, are you fucking kidding me? Pigs are ranked right above dogs in terms of animal intelligence, and I can bet my left nut you love bacon.

Granted, there's a risk of Chronic Wasting Disease, a spongiform encephalopathy akin to Mad Cow Disease, but the disease's incidence and prevalence are so low, the risk is practically negligible.

So get your Disney-watching ass over here and let's cook some fucking Bambi!

This is the hind quarter of a young deer of unknown species. There are essentially 2 species bred for hunting in Sonora: Mule (Odocoileus hemionus) and White-tail (Odocoileus virginianus). White tail deer is severly endangered down here, so this is most likely, Mule-deer.

Trimming the meat yields 3 4lb denver roasts and 3 lbs of assorted chunks, fit for a stew. We'll take 2 Denver roasts, split them lenghtwise down the middle and reserve.

Deer butt cheeks

One of the main complaints of anti-cervidovores is the intense game flavor of the meat. This can be due to a number of factors, including the animal's age, diet, method of slaughter and whether or not you're a punk-ass pussy motherfucker that can't take serious meat. Personally, I fucking love the taste of fresh venison, but for the sake of world peace, we're marinating these babies.

So take 1 cup of Merlot, 1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar, 1/3 cup light soy sauce, 1/3 cup of dark soy sauce, 3 garlic cloves, 2 Tbsps of mixed peppercorns and a sprig of fresh rosemary and blend them together. Now place the venison in nature's perfect marinating device (ziploc bags) and divide the marinade accordingly. Leave in the fridge overnight.

Now let's make the glaze: Place 3 cups of Merlot in a saucepan, along with 2 cups balsamic vinegar, 1 cup light soy sauce, 1/3 cup honey and a sprig of fresh rosemary and gently simmer until reduced by 1/3. This will ensure most of the alcohol has evaporated. Once it starts to thicken, add 3 Tbsps dark soy sauce. We don't add this before because it has some starch that may thicken the glaze before the alcohol evaporates. Finally, dissolve 3 Tbsps cornstarch in 3 Tbsps cold water, take the pot off the fire and stir the slurry in. Keep refrigerated until it's time to use.

Now the next day, start your coals and let them burn down to white hot. Once they're thoroughly lit, sprinkle some ashes on your coals to ensure even heat distribution.

While your coals light up, make some roast potatoes. These were nuked for a few minutes to par-boil, then tossed in olive oil, a little lemon juice, salt, pepper, lots of parmessan cheese and some rosemary. Finally we baked them for 20 minutes to brown. If you need more detailed instructions to make something as mundane as roast potatoes, you're in deep shit, dude. You shouldn't be left alone in the kitchen.

Place your roasts over the white-hot coals for 5 minutes per side to sear. Do not move them around in this first stage or you'll fuck up the grill marks and no crust will develop. Once the meat is seared all over, move to indirect heat and cook for another 15 to 20 minutes, or until an instant-read thermometer reads 165°F in the thickest part. Slice on a bias against the grain.

Yes, the meat will be a little below medium, but it's so lean, it takes nothing to over-cook it and having Bambi die for nothing.

Now build the dish: Squeeze some glaze in the bottom of the plate, then paint with a spoon. Fan out some venison slices, then a few potato wedges. That's fucking it.

I'm no chef or food stylist, but this looks fucking great, IMHO.

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Roast Venison with Balsamic Reduction Glaze
Serves 10-12

2 4lb Denver roasts of venison, psplit lenghtwise

Marinade
1 cup of Merlot
1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup light soy sauce
1/3 cup of dark soy sauce
3 garlic cloves
2 Tbsps of mixed peppercorns
1 sprig fresh rosemary

Glaze
3 cups Merlot
2 cups balsamic vinegar
1 cup light soy sauce
1/3 cup honey
1 sprig of fresh rosemary
3 Tbsps dark soy sauce.
3 Tbsps cornstarch + 3 Tbsps cold water

1. Mix all the marinade ingredients and place in a ziploc bag along with the meat. Marinate for 8 -12 hours.
2. Mix the first 5 glaze ingredients in a saucepan and reduce by 1/3, then take off the fire and add the remaining 2. Reserve.
3. Grill the meat 3 to 5 mins per side over white-hot coals, then move to indirect heat for 15 minutes, or until an instant-read thermometer reads 165°F.
4. Slice, serve, kick ass, blow minds. Get laid like Tiger Woods.

EAT ALL THE ANIMALS!!!

Grilled Whole Prime Rib and Warm German Potato Salad

I'm making a parenthesis from the promised mexican recipes to go international. This kind of beef deserves it. Turns out I got my carnivore paws on 36 (yes, thirty-six) lbs of some premium quality Prime Rib. Sonoran beef is recognized worldwide as some of the best, with the US importing over 1.8 million heads in 2009 alone. We take our meat seriously.

So it is, technically, mexican food

So seriously, in fact, that I'm going full Sheldon mode on this post before actually getting to the cooking. Scroll down if you're the kind of ignorant slob that doesn't care about enlightment.

See there, where it conveniently says "rib"?

Prime rib is one of the 8 primal cuts of beef. It's name stems from the fact that a number of other cuts derive from it, not from its quality. Semantics notwithstanding, however, even the shittiest cow will give great meat from this area. Here's why: it has the perfect ratio of meat:fat:bone to impart flavor and texture. The muscles involved are not regularly excersized, so they then to be a lot more tender than other parts. And fuck it, it just looks fucking awesome to hold it, Fred Flintstone-style.

So we're starting with a primal cut. This particular portion comes with a section of another cut: the brisket. We'll cover brisket in future posts, but sufice it to say the flat of the brisket covers a part of the ribs, so that will need to come off, along with most of the fat., Save the fat for cleaning the grill.

Lok at the SIZE of these fuckers

See that EPIC MARBLING right there!? and it was slaughtered 24hrs prior. Carnivore Nirvana right there

This is the brisket flat. Pull it off slowly and carefully, then save it for some pot roast

 

The fat has been trimmed and saved. Some retouching is needed near the vertebral processes, though

Now take a cup of olive oil and blend the leaves form 4 fresh rosemary sprigs. Place 2 cups of kosher salt in a bowl and mix it with the rosemary oil. Now rub this on the meat and think sexy thoughts eating like a fucking man while your woman stares in awe.

Rosmarinus officinallis

Yeap, cheap-ass olive oil. No need to splurge the benjamins here

Sort of rosemary pesto

 

Place the meat in a big-ass bag and let it rest, refrigerated, for at least 2 hours. The salt will break up the collagen surrounding the ribs, tenderizing the meat further. The oil will help to infuse the rosemary into the meat. Kiss it good-bye and concentrate on the potato salad.

Alternatively, if you're about to cook, you can leave the meat to air-dry with the salt rub on for 30 minutes, unrefrigerated.

These are a mix of waxy and starchy potatoes, in this case, Round White and Yukon Gold. I like them because they hold their shape regardless of the application. I took 5 lbs of spuds and boiled them over a medium flame in salted water until tender. This can take about a whole hour. Don't test them for doneness with a knife, coz they're sharp and will mislead you. Instead, take one out and pinch the skin. If it comes off easily, you're all set.

You need to boil them slowly, otherwise they'll cook unevenly. This actually reminds me of a song:

Anyways, after you potatoes are peeled, cube them and place them in a big-ass bowl. While the potatoes boil, You need to get your hands on about 2 lbs of bacon. Chop it up into little pieces and fry it over a very low flame to get all of the fat from it. Drain the bacon and save as much fat as you can.

While the bacon fries (we're fucking multitasking, bro!!!), roughly chop 4 very large onions, then put them in a pot with 500 ml of white vinegar and 500 ml of chicken stock, 1 cup of sugar, and salt and pepper. No need to reduce it, just heat it until the onions are cooked through.

Now, as the onions cook, add enough vegetable oil to the bacon fat to measure 2 cups, reheat and dissolve a whole jar of dijon mustard in it. Add that to the simmering onions.

I like it french, sue me. I also like it "A L'Ancienne" because it's got whole mustard seeds and they pop in your mouth like little spheres of deliciousness

 

Once it's homogenous, dump it all (while still hot) on your potatoes. They will look soupy. It's ok. After a while, the spuds will absorb the dressing. Sprinkle chopped chives or scallions for garnish and let it sit for a few hours.

 

 

 

Now back to the meat. Start your grill and set the meat, bone side-down, about 3 inches from white-hot coals. Keep some water handy to put out the flames, coz the fat will catch fire like a motherfucker. Leave it like this for 40 minutes, then flip and cook for another 20.

 

See that? Like a Motherfucker

This will yield medium-rare to medium, provided you let the meat rest for 10 - 15 minutes before carving. Any more done, and you don't deserve it. You can slice it with the bone and get rib steaks, or dismantle the cap, tail and eye to make individual portions. Either way, you will fucking rule.

Pictured: a BITCHING Rib steak

You will forgive the shitty last pic. It was a halloween party and I was near-shitfaced

Pairing:
This is grass-fed beef, it has a very unique, strong flavor that needs something deep and assertive. Strong tanins and notes of wood and berries, like an Argentine or Mexican Merlot, should do the trick.

Blackbird Vineyards produces consistently excelent Merlots every year. If you got the $90, by all means, try it. If, like me, you depend on birthday gifts to drink like that, L. A. Cetto's Nebbiolo Reserva Privada is an excellent and affordable choice.

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Grilled Whole Prime Rib and Warm German Potato Salad
Serves 14 - 18 (there's calculators in every cellphone if you need to trim it down, hater)

For the meat:
2 whole (18lbs each) Prime Ribs, trimmed. Anywhere from 6 to 8 bones in each one.
Fresh rosemary, olive oil and sea salt

For the Salad
5 lbs potatoes, boiled, peeled and cubed
2 lbs bacon, fried, fat reserved
4 large onions, chopped
1 cup sugar
1 jar (210g) Stone-ground Dijon mustard
500ml vinegar (white or cider)
500ml chicken stock
Vegetable oil
Salt and pepper
Chives or scallions, chopped

1. Blend the oil and rosemary, mix with sea salt to make a green paste and cover the meat. Let it rest for at least 1 hour.
2. Place the vinegar, chicken stock, sugar and onions in a pot and simmer until the onions are cooked through.
3. Reheat the bacon fat and add enough oil to measure 2 cups, then dissolve the mustard in this fat.
4. Mix the fat and mustard with the vinegar and onions, then dump that shit over your potatoes.
5. Sprinkle with chives and bacon and let rest
6. Grill the meat bone side down over white-hot coals for 40 mins, then flip and cook for another 20 mins for meduim-rare to medium. Let it rest 15 mins before carving. Keep the flames down or you'll fuck it up.
7. Carve, serve, stay fucking awesome
8. Prove your awesomeness even further and leave a fucking comment.