Gravlax

I meant to post this before Valentine's, but couldn't find the time to do it. Sorry, guys.

But let's say you need to feed a naked woman, either because you fucked up big time and need a ticket out of the doghouse, or because some great miracle you managed to lure an unsuspecting victim into your filthy man-cave. Never fear, brother. I got your ass covered.

Just let me clear something: This shit needs planning. Not a lot of elbow grease, but definitely some planning. So get your ass ready as soon as you fuck up, or hook up.

Gravlax (grav = grave, lax = salmon) is an ancient recipe, dating all the way back to the Middle Ages, when scandinavian fishermen would wrap their salmon in birch leaves and bury it to ferment near the shoreline. Much like 17th century japanese fishermen fermented their fish in soured rice (SUSHI!). Actual fermentation is no longer that important, and has been replaced with curing.

So let's start with a 1 lb fillet of salmon. Carefully remove any bones left and skin it. If you lack the tools or basic motor skills, ask your fishmonger to do it for you, then leave the place with your head down and your shoulders shrugged in shame. Trim the odd bits from your fillet (and eat that shit raw, you big fucking pussy), then cut it in half.

Now, line a large baking tray with several overlapping layers of cling film. Place a few sheets of nori on top.

Mix 1.5 cups of regular table salt and 1.5 cups sugar in a bowl. Don't splurge the Benjamins on this shit, coz you'll be washing it off in a few days anyway. Dump 1/3 of the mix on the nori, then place the first fillet on top.

Sprinkle some more of the sugar and salt mixture on the fish, then a lot of dill, fresh or dried. Now take a small, raw beet root and grate the shit of of it on the fish. This will give it a nice earthy flavor and color it a totally gay shade of reddish purple that'll look awesome when we're done.

Add some more dill, salt and sugar and lay the second fillet on top. Sprinkle the rest of the salt and sugar mixture, then cover with a few more nori sheets. Now wrap this shit tight -and I mean italian-nun-tight - in several layers of cling film. Place it in a ziploc bag and forget about it in your fridge for 2 to 4 days.

Unlike when you're curing bacon, you don't need to fuck around with it during its curing time, so just place it in the fridge with something heavy on top and leave it be. Four days later, you'll be left with this:

Bear in mind, the longer it sits, the dryer and chewier it will be.

Unwrapt it, then rinse it thoroughly to remove all the excess brine and shit. Now slice it as thinly as your dumb gorilla hands let you and cover with cling film until it's time to serve.

Look at this beautiful motherfucker, bitch! It's like the bacon of the sea

See that pinkish coloring right there? Totally not gay... well, maybe a little, but fucking awesome.

To serve, let's make some Steward Spread. Traditionally, this is made with mustard, but I couldn't find any good european mustard to mix with my cream cheese, so I made do with the shit in my fridge. This is 3 oz cream cheese, 1 oz sour cream, the zest from 1 lemon, some dill, salt and pepper.

Also, gravlax is served on rye toast, but that's impossible to find here, so some regular sourdough had to do the trick. Spread with the sauce, then let your inner florist take over and arrange the salmon slices on top. Drizzle with some olive oil and sprinkle a few drops of lemon juice. Whatever gay-as-fuck decorations you feel are necessary are welcome. In this case, beet leaves and cherry tomatoes.

Trust me, if this big fucking hairy vagina liked it, it's fucking irresistible

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Gravlax

1      1 lb salmon fillet, trimmed and halved

1.5   cups sugar

1.5   cups salt

1      small beetroot, shredded

1      cup chopped dill

4      sheets of nori

1      shitload of cling film

1      ziploc bag

Spread

3      Oz cream cheese

1      Oz sour cream

2      lemons, zested, a few drops of lemon juice

1      Tbsp dill

1      tsp salt and pepper

1. Mix the salt and sugar in a bowl, then murder your fish with it. Sandwich the dill and shredded beetroot between the fillets, then cover in nori and wrap tightly with cling film.
2. Place in ziploc bag and leave it the fuck alone for 2 to 4 days.
3. Slice as thinly as you can, or like, or whatever, it's your fish.
4. Mix all of the spread ingredients, then serve with toast.
5. Fucking rule.

Banana leaf-Wrapped Steamed Basa Pibil and Plantain-stuffed Poblano Peppers

So here's a real red herring for all you motherfucking haters out there. I cooked up a dish that includes most latin american stereotypes into one plate, is garnished with The Mighty Crohn, and still manages to pass as genuine Nouvelle Cuisine Mexicaine. Fuck, I'm awesome.

If you're not familiar with Achiote (Bixa orellana), it's probably because you've only seen it used as a natural food coloring, annato. Achiote was introduced to the Americas by the Spanish early in the 17th century, and was quickly adopted by pretty much every one since. It's a small, deep red, inedible fruit, that contains an oily seed that is pressed or boiled to extract its flavors.

Apart from its characteristic deep red color, Achiote is appreciated for its bitter, pungent taste, akin to some types of mustard. You can find it in any Hispanic grocery store. Hell, I found it in France, so it shouldn't be a problem.

This is it. You will most likely find it in paste form.

Take 30 g (about 1 Oz) of Achiote paste and put in the blender with a cup of orange juice, a tablespoon of tomato paste, salt, pepper and a splash of balsamic vinegar. This is a very basic Recaudo Rojo, and you can use it to baste any thing you want.

Remember, annato is used as a coloring. The stains NEVER come off

Set this aside and start working on the side dish: Plantain-stuffed Poblanos with goat cheese:

Take 6 large poblano peppers and fire-roast them carefully until they're completely blackened and blistered, taking care not to over burn any of the flesh. Dunk them in an ice water bath and, as soon as they're cool to touch, peel them carefully and set them aside. This can be done up to 48 hours ahead. Whole peppers can be frozen for 3 months.

Sometimes, you may find these frozen whole. These are acceptable substitutes

Under no circumstances are you allowed to buy them canned.

While the chiles cool, take 3 plantains. Plantains are not bananas, but a close ancestor of the ubiquitous Cavendish variety we eat every day. They are much tougher than bananas and taste like sweet potatoes when they ripen. You need these to look like they're spoiled, otherwise they will taste no diferent than starchy potatoes

I know they look like turds, but trust me, they're delicious

See that lovely flesh? not turd-like at all

Peel them and chop them roughly. Boil them in abundant salted water until they come apart. Watch the pot for overflowing foam. Drain and add 2 Tbsps butter and 1/2 cup milk, salt and pepper, and stir them to make the puree.

I read somewhere that this is called "Fru-fru" in some places in Africa... WTF?

When the peppers are cool, open a slit in their flat side. Don't be a pussy and gut'em. Be a man and keep the veins and seeds. They taste awesome and offer an interesting contrast to the semisweet puree. Stuff each pepper with 3 tablespoons of the puree and 2 tablespoons of your favorite goat cheese, in this case, chevre. Keep them warm in the oven.

I know what you're thinking, you perv... ¬¬

 

Ashes completely optional. You can also try Feta and Manchego

 

Now the fun part. These are banana leaves. They can often be found fresh or frozen in Asian and Hispanic supermarkets. They smell like green banana peels and lend food a pleasant and unique flavor. Place a large piece over a foil sheet, place a fish filet (in this case, Basa, a type of vietnamese catfish) on top of it, douse with 4 Tbsps of Recaudo Rojo and roll. Then fold the banana leaf in thirds over the fish and wrap it tightly with aluminum foil.

Make sure your packets are perfectly sealed and place them on a hot skillet over a medium flame for 15-20 minutes. Test for doneness by pricking with a toothpick, the fish should be soft. If your packets are not tightly sealed, all the liquid will boil and escape and burn and you'll look like an asshole. You don't want that, do you?

Serve along the stuffed peppers and some rice and beans to instigate the haters. Top with abundant Crohn. This is vital. Crohn brings the whole thing together.

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Steamed Catfish Pibil with Pickled Radish and Plantain-stuffed Poblanos (Pescado Pibil con Escabeche de Rábano y Chiles Poblanos rellenos de Plátano Macho)
Serves 6

For the fish:
6 banana leaves
6 large basa fillets
30g achiote paste
1 Tbsp thinck tomato paste
1 cup orange juice
Splash of balsamic vinegar
Salt and pepper
Lots of Crohn

For the peppers:
6 large poblano peppers, roasted and cleaned
3 medium ripe plantains, chopped
2 Tbsps unsalted butter
1/2 cup whole milk
12 oz chevre

• Start by blending the achiote, OJ, tomato paste, vinegar, salt and pepper. Set this aside.
• Boil the plantains in salted water for 20 minutes, drain and mash with butter and milk. Adjust seasoning to taste
• Stuff the peppers with 3 Tbsps of plantain puree and 2 oz of goat cheese each, set aside.
• Lay your fish fillet on a banana leaf. Douse with the Recaudo Rojo and roll. Fold the banana leaf over the fish and wrap the whole thing tightly in aluminum foil
• Grill the packets for 20 minutes over a medium flame
• Serve topped with abundant Crohn
• Be FUCKING AWESOME
• And, for the love of Odin, leave a comment!