miércoles, 7 de diciembre de 2011

Peanut Butter Cheesecake Brownies

Legend has it some old lady in the late 19th century was famous for her chocolate cakes. As time went by and her brain started rotting, fuck-ups were more and more frequent. One time, she forgot to add any leavening to her cake, resulting in a flat and dense piece of chocolate bread. As she was making this in a hurry to entertain guests, she had no choice but to serve this turd-like montrosity and bite the fucking bullet.

Turns out her guests raved about it; and, like any normal, red blooded woman, she fucking lied through her teeth and said it was intentional. The brownie was born.

The recipe has changed over the years, becoming more dense and fudge-like as time passes. Still, being essentially a piece of unleavend bread, it's a staple in every retarded cook's home. Since it's already a fucked-up chocolate cake, it is nigh impossible to fuck up a brownie (though I've seen it happen), so fat kids everywhere burn their sausage-like little fingers every afternoon making litle squares of diabetes from a box.

I say fuck boxes. My atheromas will not be composed of boxed shit. My arteries will be lined with expensive cholesterol. The excess glucose in my blood will encrust my pancreas with diamonds. If I'm going, I'm going with style.

Which is why we're fucking doing this LIVE! With SHORTENING! Trans fats extremists be fucked.

Preheat your oven to 325°F. Grease a brownie tray and set it aside.

You'll need 8 ounces of semisweet baking chocolate. Melt if over a double broiler or nuke it in 30 second intervals stirring frequently until completely liquid.

Now, good chocolate can be a rare commodity, so sometimes you need to improvise. Whenever I lack good chocolate I prefer to substitute with cocoa powder instead of buying shitty chocolate bars. It's simple: I know what goes in, I control the percentage of cocoa solids and sweetness. So to make 8 oz of baking chocolate from powder, you'll need to melt 4 Tablespoons of vegetable shortening (or oil, if you're too much of a pussy) and dissolve 12 Tablespoons of cocoa powder in it while it's still hot. Then, you will add 9 Tablespoons white sugar and whisk until silky and smooth. I like to do this by hand with a whisk because the cocoa is a very fine powder and it will fly all over the kitchen if an electric mixer is used.

Yeap, shortening. Hide yo' kids... Don't be a pussy, it's 4 Tablespoons 
Aaaah, all that warm, delicious fat

I know the math is off by about 6 Tablespoons, but trust me, 1 Tablespoon of cocoa powder weighs less than a Tablespoon of sugar. In the end, you'll be left with roughly 230g of pure chocolatey goodness. Once you're done, nuke it in 15 second intervals with a stick of butter and stir until smooth. Leave this aside to cool.

Mini Sheldon Moment Alert!

Chocolate (from the náhuatl Xocolatl: Bitter sour water, referring to the drink consumed by the aztecs) comes from the Cacao plant (Theobroma cacao). It's believed that cacao comes from the mayan kawkaw, meaning "food for the gods". Incidentally, Theobroma means the same in latin. 

Moctezuma Xocoyotzin, the last aztec emperor before the spanish conquest, had one last truly diplomatic act: He served hot chocolate to Hernan Cortez, who immediately loved the drink and repaid Moctezuma's kindness by wiping away his entire civilization.

End Mini Sheldon Moment

In a separate bowl, mix 2 whole eggs, 1/2 cup sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract until fluffy (5 mins, tops). I fucking hate the word fluffy, but there's no other adjective for this. Mix it slowly with the cooled chocolate-butter mixture. It will thicken fast.

Now add 1/2 cup all-purpouse flour and a pinch of salt and keep mixing until it resembles play-doh. Set aside.

Up to this point, you could bake this concoction and make some kick-ass brownies, but that would put you in the same level as any other fat kid with an oven. We need to kick this up a notch. We need cheesecake.

Take 1 bar (9 Oz) of cream cheese and 2/3 of a cup of your favorite peanut butter and soften them for a few seconds in the microwave oven. Beat them with 2 whole eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Stop after 5 minutes and add and 2 Tablespoons of flour and 2 Tablespoons of sour cream, beat for another 5 minutes.

On to the building: First, spread the chocolate play-doh on the mold, making sure it's even. Then slowly drop big dollops of the cream cheese mixture on it and smooth it out with a spatula. Place the mold in the middle of your oven and don't look at it for 30 to 35 mins. Take it out and let it cool to room temperature.

Depending on the shape of your mold, this recipe will yield 18 to 25 squares of chocolate-y awesomeness. Go and fucking blow those fat girl scouts out of the water.

Printer-Friendly Version:
Peanut butter Cheesecake Brownies
yields 18

8 Oz semisweet baking chocolate (alternatively, 12 Tbsps cocoa powder, 9 Tbsps of sugar and 4 Tbsps of the fat of your choice)
1 (3 Oz, 90 g) stick of butter
2 large eggs
1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp salt

Peanut butter Cheesecake
1 bar cream cheese
2/3 cup peanut butter ( I use chunky, it saves me adding nuts)
2 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp salt
2 Tbsps (scant) all-purpouse flour)
2 Tbsps sour (generous) sour cream
  1. Preheat your oven to 325°F. Grease a brownie mold. Line with parchment if you're insecure about your unmolding abilities.
  2. Melt the chocolate and whisk with a stick of melted butter. Keep it above 90°F and never let it burn.
  3. Beat the eggs, sugar, vanilla extract and salt on medium speed for 2 to 5 minutes, then pour slowly on the chocolate mixture. 
  4. Add 1/2 cup of flour slowly and keep mixing until combined.
  5. Soften the cream cheese and peanut butter in the microwave oven, then beat the shit out of them on high. Add the rest of the ingredients and beat for 5 minutes.
  6. Spread the brownie batter on your mold, then drop big dollops of the cream cheese mixture on top.
  7. Place in the middle rack of your oven, away from the walls, and bake, undisturbed, for 30 minutes.
  8. Let cool until just warm and cut.
  9. Fucking rule whatever it is that need ruling.
  10. Show some respect and leave a comment, you ungrateful fuck.

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