Chicken Crust Pizza

Have you ever wanted to make your own pizza at home, but lack the spatial abilities to tie your own shoes without a helmet and special goggles? Then you just came to the right place, friend. This thing is so fucking easy, a chimp with Down's syndrome could make it. That means you'll probably have a rough time on the first 3 or 4 tries, but fuck it. No pain, no gain.

Also, bonus kitchen cred for making pizza with chicken for a crust.

Preheat your oven to 180°C/275°F

Start with 4 chicken breasts (about 24 oz), cut into large chunks, and process them with 8 oz of grated mozzarella cheese, a teaspoon of italian spices, pepper and garlic salt. You need to run this bitch on high for a few minutes, stopping ocasionally to scrape down the sides, until you get a smotth, emulsified paste.

Now get yourself a 12'' oven proof skillet and coat it generously with olive oil. Dump the chicken mixture in the pan, then smooth it out with a cold wet spoon. Set it on the stove on high, undisturbed, for 5 minutes.

While the crust browns, make the sauce. Mix a can of tomato paste, 2 Tbsps of jarred pesto, a dash of sriracha, salt and pepper in a bowl, then spread it on the chicken crust.

Sprinkle 8 more ounces of chicken on top and some salami, then some parmesan. Now bake for 15 minutes.

And that's fucking it!

Chicken Crust Pizza

Serves 8

4 chicken breasts, cubed

16 oz mozzarella cheese, grated

2 Tbsps grated parmesan cheese

1 tsp italian spices

Garlic salt and pepper

1 small can tomato paste

2 Tbsps pesto

dash of sriracha

10 slices of salami

Olive oil

1. Place the chicken, half the cheese, and the spices in a food processor with some garlic salt and pepper, and beat the shit out of them to make a dough
2. Spread said dough on a 12'' oven-proof skillet coated with olive oil and brown for 5 minutes.
3. Mix all the other shit, except for the salami, and spread on top.
4. Sprinkle with cheese, salami and parmesan. Now bake at 180°C/275°F for 15 minutes.
5. Have a beer, you glorious motherfucker. You deserve it.
6. Profit.

Nutritional info, per serving: 394 cal, 8g carbs, 24g fat, 28g protein, 537mg sodium

Costillas Adobadas (Pork Spareribs in Adobo)

After a 6 week drop (and 10lb gain, fuck) from my keto diet, I decided to resume and redouble efforts in 2013. As usual with keto, this past week I've been pissing like a pregnant mare, and already lost 7lbs worth of excess liquid. Things are looking good. Not that I expect you to actually give a fuck (although words of encouragment are apreciated), this is only the backstory for the creation of these ribs.

I fucking love ribs. I've said it before, they're the best part of all edible animals. I had been rib-deprived for the last 4 months because of dietary restrictions and plain old lazyness. Not anymore. These motherfuckers are awesome. Not your usual, sugar-drenched, sloppy pieces of dead gringo pig, but aggressively refined examples of fine mexican cuisine. And totally carb-free.

This is also not the adobo you may already be familiar with, be it spanish, filipino or mexican. I took most of the usual spices associated with chorizo and tweaked them into a paste that will blow your fucking mind away.

Start with 3 ounces of dried Anaheim peppers. These are closely related to red New Mexico peppers, and are ubiquitous in sonoran cuisine. They are really mild and earthy, with a very subtle wood flavor. Rehydrate them in hot water for 20 mins, then strain.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT

Anaheims and New Mexicos are genetically the same plant, Capsicum frutescens, and were introduced into Anaheim County in the early 1900s by mexican farmer Emilio Ortega. A mexican botanist, Dr. Fabian García, raised slightly hotter cultivars in 1913 for the New Mexican palate. The difference, however, is almost negligible. Anaheims can score up to 2500 SHUs, whereas New Mexicos rarely reach 5000. This is milder than a jalapeño. TL;DR: Don't be a fucking pussy and get some chiles.

END SHELDON MOMENT

Peel 2 medium heads of garlic and place in a food processor with the stemmed peppers (leave the seeds), 1/3 cup sea salt, 1/3 cup whole dried oregano, 2 Tbsps black peppercorns, 2 Tbsps paprika, 2 Tbsps coriander seeds and 1 tsp ground cumin. Pulse to make a paste. This is where most people would add some sort of vinegar. I find it draws too much moisture from the meat when cooking and leaves a rubbery piece of shit behind. It also splatters and burns and just fucks up everything. Please refrain.

Now take 4 lbs of spare ribs and give'em an erotic adobo massage. Cover them with a tea towel and leave them to air out for 6 to 8 hours. Trust me, you'll be fine.

Bake them, loosely covered with foil, in a 220°C/420°F for 90mins, then uncover and bake for an additional 30mins.

Now these are pretty awesome on their own, but to compensate for the lack of acidity in the adobo, I like to make a simple cilantro chimichurri, with 2 bunches of cilantro, 1/2 cup olive oil, 2 Tbsps lime juice and a fistful of bird chiles to finish them off.

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY MAGIC

Costillas Adobadas
(serves 6 fo you.... or one of me)

4 lbs pork spare ribs

Adobo
3 Oz dried Anaheim chiles, rehydrated and drained
2 medium heads of garlic, peeled
1/3 cup coarse sea salt
1/3 cup whole dried oregano
2 Tbsps black peppercorns
2 Tbsps paprika
2 Tbsps coriander seeds
1 tsp ground cumin

Cilantro salsa
2 bunches cilantro, finely chopped
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
3 Tbsps lime juice
fistful of dried bird chiles

1. Pulse all of the adobo ingredients in a food processor to form a paste
2. Sensually rub said paste on ribs
3. Leave them the fuck alone for 6 to 8 hours, covered.
4. Cover with foil and bake for 90 mins, then uncover and bake for 30 mins.
5. Pulse everything else and sprinkle over the ribs
6. Drink copious ammounts of beer and attempt to copulate.

The Sexy MoFo

I've been on Keto for 5 weeks so far, and I've lost ruoghly 9 Kg (20lbs) already. Yesterday, I wanted to celebrate, so I bought a couple of 1lb New York Steaks and made these. This is, by far, the most decadent piece of dead cow I've eaten; and I assure you, it's a guaranteed ticket to rock star sex.

Start with your steaks. This is New York, my second favorite cut after Prime Rib. Thesse are about a pound each, no fat trimmed. Season them profusely with sea salt and pepper and let them rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT

Fuck it, I don't want to lose that tradition. Resting your steaks while heavily salted does a number of things. First, sodium denatures and breaks colagen, so the meat will naturally tenderize. Second, it draws moisture from the steaks, which lets the surface caramelize better. Third, as it draws moisture from the meat, the liquid will dissolve some salt and allow it to be reabsorbed into the steaks, seasoning it evenly and ensuring an even distribution of juices. Also, NEVER use table salt. The iodine will turn everything bitter.

END SHELDON MOMENT

As your steaks rest, slice 1/2 an onion per person thinly across the grain, then caramelize them over a medium high flame with 2 Tbsps butter and 2 Tbsps olive oil per onion.

When your steaks reach room temperature, heat a large skillet over a very high flame and set your steaks fat-side-down to render some grease. You need to let it brown a little on the steaks, then set them flat on the skillet and cook for 10 minutes on each side (for medium), FLIPPING ONLY ONCE.

As I've said before, the flip-once phylosophy has nothing to do with being a fucking douchebag and proving your physchic meat-guessing abilities. It's actually much easier to develop an even crust by not moving your steaks around so much, and pinching or squeezing on your steaks constantly will only render more juices out of the meat. Also, it frees your hands.

Once the meat is cooked, transfer to a wire rack over a plate and cover losely with foil. Allow the steaks to rest for at least 5 minutes. This lets the colagen relax and distributes the juices evenly inside. Otherwise, you'll be left with a puddle of blood and a piece of leathery shit on your plate.

Now, while your steaks rest, return your attention to the onions. They should be nice and brown by now. Add 1/2 cup of half and half per onion, salt and pepper to taste and stir.

 Spoon the onions evenly on the steaks, then crumble 1 Oz of your favorite blue cheese on top. Now fucking melt that shit with a torch.

Serve with whatever greenery you have on hand to fill up the plate. Ignore that shit and focus on the meat.

Per serving: 1,300 kcal, 16g carbs, 55g fat, 143g protein. Not exactly low carb, but I can't imagine anyone eating more than this for a whole day, so we're cool.

The Sexy Motherfucker

Serves 2

2 New York steaks, 1 lb each

1 medium onion

2 Tbsps olive oil

2 Tbsps butter

125ml half and half

2 Oz blue cheese

Salt and pepper

1. Season your steaks profusely and let rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature.
2. Slice the onion thinly and brown on oil and butter.
3. Render some fat from each side of the steaks, then cook for 10 minutes per side, flipping only once.
4. Let the steaks rest for 5 minutes, losely covered with foil.
5. Mix the cream into the onions, then top the steaks with this and 1 Oz of blue cheese
6. Scorch the fuck out of them with a torch
7. Serve and get laid, you glorious bastard

Pork Rind-Encrusted Shrimp and Green Salad

It's been a while and I was feeling adventurous and creative. I've also just started a keto diet, so I had to come up with something different. By the way, eating half a pound of bacon in the morning and still losing weight fucking kicks ass. Seriously, I've eaten so much pork lately I feel like I'm the one responsible for the dreaded bacon shortage expected for next year.

I'm still working on these moves, though

Anyway, as much as I love bacon and other assorted chunks of dead animals, I felt like I had to include a little more variety on the menu, so I came up with these little fuckers. After all, people wrap their shrimp in bacon all the time. Pork rinds seemed like the next logical step.

Straight to the point here:

Take 2 lbs of shrimp. Peel and de-vein, then keep in ice water. Mini-Sheldon moment: All toothless animals spoil quickly, because their gastric enzymes are much more potent. Consume immediately, keep them cold and keep your hands and surfaces clean.

Just in case you forgot: Make a shallow cut down the shrimp's back

Then scrape off the shrimp shit

Place about 4 Oz of mexican pork rinds (chicharrones) in the food processor and pulse to a fine powder. Set aside.

Now beat 3 eggs with 3 Tbsps water and a pinch of salt. This will denature their protein slightly and make them runnier and easier to handle. Treat your shrimp like any other breaded shrimp: Dust in flour and shake off excess, then pass them through an egg wash, then dredge in the chicharrones.

Fry them until golden brown at 375°F/170°C. Since chicharrones are much lighter than bread crumbs, they'll take as little as 45-60 seconds per batch.

The salad was simple, yet elegant. 1 large Romaine and 1 Oak lettuce, jícama, 1 green apple and 1 large cucumber, all julienned. The dressing was an emulsion of 1/2 cup olive oil, 1/2 cup white wine vinegar and 1/3 cup of Dijon mustard, salt and pepper. I sprinkled some crumbled feta on top and served along the shrimp with some chipotle mayo.

Who needs bread crumbs when you got pig crumbs?

This totals 1110 kcal, 111g of fat and 119g of protein.... and if you omit the green apple from the salad, 1 measly gram of carbs (otherwise it's about 4g). So full of Win!

Pork Rind-Encrusted Shrimp and Green Salad with Mustard Vinaigrette
Serves 4

2 lbs of shrimp, peeled and de-veined
4 oz of mexican pork rinds (chicharrones)
3 eggs, beaten with a little salt and water
flour
Vegetable oil

Salad
1 large Romaine lettuce, torn
1 Oak lettuce, torn
1 small jícama, julienned
1 small Granny smith apple, julienned
1 large cucumber, julienned
4 oz crumbled feta cheese

Dressing
1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup white wine vinegar
1/3 cup dijon mustard
Salt and pepper

1. Make sure the shrimp are cold and dry. Dunk them in flour, shake off the excess, then cover in egg and pork rinds. Fry in small batches at 375°F/170°C
2. Emulsify the vinaigrette ingredients
3. Toss the foliage around with the dressing, sprinkle with feta cheese
4. Fucking kill this
5. Eat like Homer

*Ok, I couldn't find this clip in english, but you get the point