Asado de Boda Zacatecano (Zacatecan Wedding Roast)

After so many pedantic posts, I decided to put my feet back on the ground and cook some real comfort food. You know, the type of food that'll stick to your ribs and fucking stay there until your coronaries petrify. Many recipes came to mind, but hell, it's Chocolate Week! so I decided to go with something no one had tried before in my house.

The best thing about travelling across Mexico is that not a single fat old lady will deny you her recipes if you ask politely. This one in particular comes from the state of Zacatecas, smack right in the middle of the country. The people there are just as amazing as the sights. Go there on your next vacation.

Remember: BE POLITE. Mexican Grandmas don't fuck around

Zacatecas (from the nahuatl "Where the grass grows tall") has a rich history, both political and gastronomical. It had some of the largest silver mines in the country, and was fought over by both the Spanish and the French, so the food is understandably amazing. Fusion food as it should be, unpretentious and appealing, with a kind of primal charm.

This particular recipe is sort of labor-intensive, if you're the kind of fat lazy fuck that gets every ingredient from a can or a frozen bag, which is why, as the name implies, it's served at weddings. But if you've got a shred of initiative in you, you'll enjoy making it as much as you'll enjoy eating it. Traditionally, this recipe calls for a whopping 3 cups of rendered pork fat, and while there's no denying that all that porky deliciousness is good, I had to tweak it a little and turn down the porcine debauchery to make it heart-friendly.

Start with 4 lbs of boneless pork shoulder cut into large cubes. Trim the largest chunks of fat and reserve them.

Put the meat in a large pot with enough water to cover it completely. Add some aromatics -in this case, celery and onion- and simmer over a medium flame for about 1 hour.

While the meat cooks, get some chiles. These are Anchos and Chilacates, but you can substitute for Pasillas and New Mexicos. Use about 1/2 lb of each. Place them in a pot with enough water to cover them and bring them to a boil. As soon as they boil, turn the heat off and let them sit in the hot water for 20 minutes, then drain and reserve.

Now take the peel form half a Valencia orange. Try to remove as much of the white pith as possible without being overly anal rettentive. Reserve.

These are bolillos, mexican sourdough rolls. Take 2 day-old bolillos and slice them thick. Air them out for a few minutes. Take 3 Tbsps of corn oil and some of the reserved por fat. Heat them over the lowest possible flame to render some pork fat and impart flavor. Once the fat pieces are browned, remove them and fry the bread over a medium low flame.

Drain the meat, discard the celery and onion and reserve the stock. As soon as your bread is fried, dunk it in the stock and let it soak it up.

This is piloncillo. It's the rawest form of sugar you'll find and it usually comes in 200g (7oz) cones. You'll need one cone. Place it in a zip-top bag, cover it with a kitchen towel and gently pound the shit out of it with a hammer. You'll be left with a sort of moist, brownsugary thing. If you can't find piloncillo, substitute with 5 oz brown sugar and 2 oz dark molasses.

This is mexican cinnamon (canela), also known as True Cinnamon, and it has a very distinct flavor, piquant and spicy, extremely pungent and aromatic, yet sweet. You'll need one stick.

Blend the chiles (minus the stalks), the piloncillo, the cinnamon, and some pork stock until you make a thick salsa.

Now add the bread and the rest of the stock and about 3 tablespoons of salt and keep blending. Reserve.

Take another 6 Tbsps of corn oil and gently render some more pork fat. Once you're done, remove the fat pieces and brown the meat evenly. Add a cup of water when you're done and scrape all the delicious, browned, quasibacon particles from the bottom of the pan.

This is mexican chocolate. It's semisweet and very different from the baking chocolates you're used to. Baking chocolates are slowly ground between metal cylinders for days and then slowly emulsified. Mexican chocolate is more artisanal, coarser, sweetened with cane sugar and spiked with cinnamon and sometimes nutmeg. You'll need 2 tablets.

Lower the heat to low. Strain the sauce over the meat, pressing on it and discarding any solids left. Your sauce should be silky and smooth.

Now add the orange peel and break the chocolate over the sauce, stirring vigorously and constantly. Chocolate is added at the very end to prevent burning and fucking up. Keep simmering over a low flame for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent the sauce from sticking to the bottom of the pan.

Serve with additional bolillos and some mexican red rice.

Pairing (be gentle, it's my first time):
Contrary to french belief, complex mexican sauces do marry well with Champange and sparkling wines, just make sure it's not something too acidic. In my humble opinion, Freixenet's Cava Sala Vivé Brut is an excelent and unexpected choice, regardless of the vintage year. 

Following the long Zacatecan tradition of clinging to their brief contact with the Spanish, a fairly young bottle of El Coto de Rioja Crianza 2007 (again, against all european preconceptions) will compliment the freshness from the orange peel and bring out the earthiness from the chocolate and cinnamon.

Mexican reds are worthy of consideration as well, most specially L.A Cetto's Don Luis Merlot and Boutique Syrah. Just avoid southamerican wines, they tend to be too acidic.

Almost any beer will do, but if you went through all this trouble, you might as well, invest in some good ones. Guiness is a good choice, although it can be a little overpowering. My recommendations would be Cucapá Obscura and Bohemia Weizen.

Printer Friendly Version: Asado de Bodas Zacatecano (Zacatecan Wedding Roast)
Serves 6
Aproximately 3 hours

4lbs boneless pork shoulder
2 ribs celery
1 small onion
1 gallon water
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 lb ancho or pasilla peppers
1/2 lb chilacate or dried new mexico peppers
1 stick mexican cinnamon
2 tablets mexican chocolate
1 cone (7oz) of piloncillo, or 5oz brown sugar + 2oz dark molasses
2 stale bolillos, or at least as much artisanal sourdough bread
The peel off 1/2 an orange

1. Simmer the pork along with the celery and onion for about 1 hour, then drain and reserve the stock
2. Rehydrate the chiles in hot water and drain
3. Fry the bolillos in 3 Tbsps vegetable oil + a little pork fat and make big-ass croutons, then dunk'em in the pork stock
4. Blend the chiles, piloncillo, cinnamon, bread and stock to a thick sauce
5. Brown the pork in 6 Tbsps vegetable oil + a little pork fat and de glaze the pan with a cup of water.
6. Strain the sauce over the meat, discard any solids left.
7. Add the orange peel and chocolate and stir until the chocolate melts.
8. Simmer over a very low flame for 30 minutes, stirring vigorously to avoid burning
9. Fucking rule a mexican wedding
10. Leave a fucking comment

Cooking Lessons 2: Don't be a pussy. Chiles are good for you

If you've read some of my recipes, I'm sure you've noticed that even my sweet recipes contain at least trace ammounts of some powdered chile. This may or may not be due to the fact that I'm so Mexican, nopales grow out of my forehead. A quick Google search of the key word "chileheads" yields 123,000 results in 0.21 seconds, the first one being a british site peddling seeds.

No, guys, chileheads are everywhere. From Great Britain to India, to Peru, to Mexico, to the USA, everybody's doing it... so why aren't you? Because you're a pussy, that's why.

So what exactly makes your pussy-ass mouth burn and your pansy-ass nose water when you eat chiles? Interesting question, my young padawan! You can blame 2 organic compounds for that: Capsaicin and Allyl-isothiocyanate.


Capsaicin (8-methyl-N-vanillyl-6-nonenamide, ((CH₃)₂CHCH=CH(CH₂)₄CONHCH₂C₆H₃-4-(OH)-3-(OCH₃)) is the main culprit. It's an organic compound that is extremely irritant to pretty much everything it touches in mammals. It's extremely hydrophobic, which means no ammount of water will ever wash it off (although most fats will), and it turns out it has antifungal and possible antimicrobial properties. No lethal dose has been described for humans, but in can kill mice with as little as 50mg/kg.

Even the fucking molecule looks evil

It has been proposed that Capsicum's high concentration of capsaicin may be an evolutionary development, since birds don't have any receptors for it anywhere and are more likely to spread their seeds undigested in their droppings, unlike mammals, whose molars crush the seeds.

Two weeks from now, this'll be jalapeño heaven

The burning your mouth like Satan took a shit in it comes from a very interesting mechanism. It binds to a receptor called Vanilloid Receptor subtype 1 (VR1), which can also be stimulated by heat and abrasion. The thing is, capsaicin does not cause any chemical burns, or any kind of tissue damage whatsoever, it just tricks your brain into thinking you're on fire.

The ages-long argument of chiles related to peptic ulcer was later debunked, when the correlation between Helicobacter pylori and peptic ulcer was demonstrated. In fact, it's even less damaging than aspirin.

Allyl-isothiocyanate (CH₂CHCH₂NCS), on the other hand is responsible for the nasal discharge. It binds to the same receptors as capsaicin, but being a more volatile son of a bitch, is more likely to reach your nose and sinuses. The mucosal membranes interpret this as a potential environmental agression, so they start secreting large ammounts of very fluid mucus to trap the alleged offending particles.

It's found in larger ammounts in mustard and wasabi than chiles. It is fairly toxic, with a median lethal dose of 150mg/kg, and has been extensively used as a lachrimator (tear gas) and, in WWI as part of the infamous Mustard Gas. It's also mildly soluble in water, so yeah, drink up.

Do not click here: Mustard gas effects on skin

So these are, essentially, chemical weapons. How the fuck can they be good for me, you ask? Well, for one, concentrations of both compounds in food are nearly negligible, so you won't die. Also, the continuous stimulation of VR1 receptors triggers the release of large ammounts of endorphins, which are the brain's way of getting high naturally. Chiles are also high in vitamin C and it has been proven that capsaicin can increase your metabollic rate and make you burn as many as 200 extra calories per day. Also, since they overstimulate the papillae on your tongue and the olfactory receptors in your nose, they can pontentiate other flavors, like chocolate. The trick is just learning how to balance them out.

So stop being a pussy and start experimenting. I promise you, you won't die.

Tough Guy Vs Ghost Chili Pepper - Watch MoreFunny Videos 

Sources: 
Joshua J. Tewksbury, Karen M. Reagan, Noelle J. Machnicki, Tomás A. Carlo, David C. Haak, Alejandra Lorena Calderón Peñaloza, and Douglas J. Levey (2008-08-19), "Evolutionary ecology of pungency in wild chilies", Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 105 (33): 11808–11811, doi:10.1073/pnas.0802691105, retrieved 2010-06-30

Story GM, Crus-Orengo L (July–August 2007). "Feel the burn". American Scientist 95 (4): 326–333. doi:10.1511/2007.66.326 doi:10.1511/2007.66.326

López-Carrillo L, López-Cervantes M, Robles-Díaz G, et al. (2003). "Capsaicin consumption, Helicobacter pylori positivity and gastric cancer in Mexico". Int. J. Cancer 106 (2): 277–82. doi:10.1002/ijc.11195. PMID 12800206

Banana leaf-Wrapped Steamed Basa Pibil and Plantain-stuffed Poblano Peppers

So here's a real red herring for all you motherfucking haters out there. I cooked up a dish that includes most latin american stereotypes into one plate, is garnished with The Mighty Crohn, and still manages to pass as genuine Nouvelle Cuisine Mexicaine. Fuck, I'm awesome.

If you're not familiar with Achiote (Bixa orellana), it's probably because you've only seen it used as a natural food coloring, annato. Achiote was introduced to the Americas by the Spanish early in the 17th century, and was quickly adopted by pretty much every one since. It's a small, deep red, inedible fruit, that contains an oily seed that is pressed or boiled to extract its flavors.

Apart from its characteristic deep red color, Achiote is appreciated for its bitter, pungent taste, akin to some types of mustard. You can find it in any Hispanic grocery store. Hell, I found it in France, so it shouldn't be a problem.

This is it. You will most likely find it in paste form.

Take 30 g (about 1 Oz) of Achiote paste and put in the blender with a cup of orange juice, a tablespoon of tomato paste, salt, pepper and a splash of balsamic vinegar. This is a very basic Recaudo Rojo, and you can use it to baste any thing you want.

Remember, annato is used as a coloring. The stains NEVER come off

Set this aside and start working on the side dish: Plantain-stuffed Poblanos with goat cheese:

Take 6 large poblano peppers and fire-roast them carefully until they're completely blackened and blistered, taking care not to over burn any of the flesh. Dunk them in an ice water bath and, as soon as they're cool to touch, peel them carefully and set them aside. This can be done up to 48 hours ahead. Whole peppers can be frozen for 3 months.

Sometimes, you may find these frozen whole. These are acceptable substitutes

Under no circumstances are you allowed to buy them canned.

While the chiles cool, take 3 plantains. Plantains are not bananas, but a close ancestor of the ubiquitous Cavendish variety we eat every day. They are much tougher than bananas and taste like sweet potatoes when they ripen. You need these to look like they're spoiled, otherwise they will taste no diferent than starchy potatoes

I know they look like turds, but trust me, they're delicious

See that lovely flesh? not turd-like at all

Peel them and chop them roughly. Boil them in abundant salted water until they come apart. Watch the pot for overflowing foam. Drain and add 2 Tbsps butter and 1/2 cup milk, salt and pepper, and stir them to make the puree.

I read somewhere that this is called "Fru-fru" in some places in Africa... WTF?

When the peppers are cool, open a slit in their flat side. Don't be a pussy and gut'em. Be a man and keep the veins and seeds. They taste awesome and offer an interesting contrast to the semisweet puree. Stuff each pepper with 3 tablespoons of the puree and 2 tablespoons of your favorite goat cheese, in this case, chevre. Keep them warm in the oven.

I know what you're thinking, you perv... ¬¬

 

Ashes completely optional. You can also try Feta and Manchego

 

Now the fun part. These are banana leaves. They can often be found fresh or frozen in Asian and Hispanic supermarkets. They smell like green banana peels and lend food a pleasant and unique flavor. Place a large piece over a foil sheet, place a fish filet (in this case, Basa, a type of vietnamese catfish) on top of it, douse with 4 Tbsps of Recaudo Rojo and roll. Then fold the banana leaf in thirds over the fish and wrap it tightly with aluminum foil.

Make sure your packets are perfectly sealed and place them on a hot skillet over a medium flame for 15-20 minutes. Test for doneness by pricking with a toothpick, the fish should be soft. If your packets are not tightly sealed, all the liquid will boil and escape and burn and you'll look like an asshole. You don't want that, do you?

Serve along the stuffed peppers and some rice and beans to instigate the haters. Top with abundant Crohn. This is vital. Crohn brings the whole thing together.

Printer Friendly Version:
Steamed Catfish Pibil with Pickled Radish and Plantain-stuffed Poblanos (Pescado Pibil con Escabeche de Rábano y Chiles Poblanos rellenos de Plátano Macho)
Serves 6

For the fish:
6 banana leaves
6 large basa fillets
30g achiote paste
1 Tbsp thinck tomato paste
1 cup orange juice
Splash of balsamic vinegar
Salt and pepper
Lots of Crohn

For the peppers:
6 large poblano peppers, roasted and cleaned
3 medium ripe plantains, chopped
2 Tbsps unsalted butter
1/2 cup whole milk
12 oz chevre

• Start by blending the achiote, OJ, tomato paste, vinegar, salt and pepper. Set this aside.
• Boil the plantains in salted water for 20 minutes, drain and mash with butter and milk. Adjust seasoning to taste
• Stuff the peppers with 3 Tbsps of plantain puree and 2 oz of goat cheese each, set aside.
• Lay your fish fillet on a banana leaf. Douse with the Recaudo Rojo and roll. Fold the banana leaf over the fish and wrap the whole thing tightly in aluminum foil
• Grill the packets for 20 minutes over a medium flame
• Serve topped with abundant Crohn
• Be FUCKING AWESOME
• And, for the love of Odin, leave a comment!