Shrimp Aguachile

My apologies for the unusually long absense, readers. I'm happy to inform you that, as of two weeks ago, I got a seemingly kick-ass job as chief of Surgery at a local General Hospital. The past fortnight brought a lot of unexpected change. What this means for this blog is that, as time progresses, my histrionism will increase exponentially. Expect to see flames, booze, exotic animals and my glorious beer gut. It also means that, due to the disproportionally undercompensated shitload of work I'm doing, updates will be reduced to bi-weekly.

So, to ease you into this new phase of extreme awesomeness, I'll continue the thread of more mundane recipes started with the last post. Today we're cooking my favorite shrimp dish: Aguachile.

This is seriously sexy shit we're dealing with, motherfuckers. I will take no blame for any unexpected pregnancies, although I'm more than happy to share the credit for an athletic session of bumping uglies. Aguachile is a very simple dish originated in the mexican state of Sinaloa, famous worldwide for its drug traffic, crime, insanely hot women and seafood. It has long been regarded as a potent aphrodisiac by people who fuck like rabbits anyway, but you might as well give it a shot.

Start with a pound of medium sized shrimp, peeled and deveined. It's very important that you place all the shrimp in a collander and keep any and all liquid that oozes from them. This is the reason the dish is called Aguachile (Chilli water) in the first place.

If you've never deveined a shrimp, pay attention, player: Lay your shrimp flat on a cutting board and make a very shallow cut witha very sharp knife along its outer edge. Now, squeeze it lightly and expose all the shit, then scrape it out with the tip of the knife.

Shrimp guts!

Take a large red onion and slice it thinly into plumes. (Mini Sheldon moment: Plumes are thin sections cut with the grain of the onion, along the direction of the root ends. Mezzalunas, or half-moons, are cut aginst the grain, perpendicular to the root. Plumes are less likely to make your bitch eyes cry and look better anyway). Take as many fresh green serrano peppers as your pussy-ass digestive tract can handle (in this case, about 2 oz) and jullienne them as thin as you can, seeds and all. Set aside.

Get your lovely victi-- assistant to peel, seed and slice 2 large cucumbers while you handle all the heat like a man. Keep your suffering to yourself, and for the love of Odin, wash your hands.

These are chiltepines, a variety of bird chile that's mostly endemic to Northern Mexico, yet was named the "Official Native Pepper of Texas in 1997". Down here they're sold either picked green and packed in salt and garlic or pickled in vinegar, or sun-ripened and dried. The dried variety can rank up to 100,000 Scoville Heat Units, making it about 70% as hot as a habanero. They're fucking awesome, we put'em on everything. Get yourself about 2 Tbsps and grind them in a mortar. 

Get yourself 2 cups of persian or key lime juice. Mix the shrimp and their liquid, onions, chiltepines, serranos, lime juice a LOT of cracked pepper and some salt in a bowl. Fridgerate for 2 hours.

Concentrated Shrimp Distillate

See how the shrimp turn pink after cooking in acid?

After 2 hours, add the cucumbers and wait another hour. The cucumbers will release a lot of water and bring the acidity down a few notches.

As you can see, this is a kind of ceviche, which is essentially seafood protein denatured (thus cooked) in acid. This must be eaten promptly to avoid contamination and any leftovers must be consumed within 48 hours. To serve, put a litlle mayonaise on a tostada, then spoon some drained aguachile on it. Top with some chopped cilantro and some avocado slices and get ready to have your brains blown the fuck out of your head.

Just when you thought you were spared the agony: SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!

It is KEY that any liquid present at the time of consumption be alcoholic. Chiles contain capsaicin and capsidiol, both potent alkaloids. After the initial capsaicin insult, capsidiol will induce the massive release of endorphins in your brain, which lead to stimulation of the brain's pleasure centers. This is a natural mechanism to counteract the feeling of Satan taking a shit in your mouth. Piperine in the pepper will stimulate vasodilation and accelerate your metabolism, increasing your heart rate and body temperature.

A vasodilated, endorphin-laden brain will surely succumb to the power of beer. Provided you actually posess some kind of personality, there's a 90% chance of multiple orgasms here. Science backs me up, bro.

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Shrimp Aguachile

Makes a lot

1 lb medium raw shrimp, peeled and deveined. Any liquid reserved.

1 large red onion, sliced thinly

2 oz fresh green serrano peppers, julienned, seeds kept

2 Tbsps dried chiltepines or Thai bird chiles, ground

2 Tbsps cracked black pepper

2 cups lime juice

2 cucumbers, peeled, seeded and sliced thinly

Sea salt, cilantro, mayonaise, avocados and tostadas.

1. Prep the shrimp and vegetables, reserve the cucumbers. 
2. Mix the chiles, lime juice, pepper, shirmp and their liquid in a bowl and marinate for 2 hours.
3. Add the cucumbers and let sit if the fridge for another 45 to 60 minutes.
4. Serve on tostadas, topped with avocado and cilantro.
5. Get drunk
6. Hump
7. Be fucking awesome, you glorious motherfucker, you...
8. Thank me on the comments section