Chicken Crust Pizza

Have you ever wanted to make your own pizza at home, but lack the spatial abilities to tie your own shoes without a helmet and special goggles? Then you just came to the right place, friend. This thing is so fucking easy, a chimp with Down's syndrome could make it. That means you'll probably have a rough time on the first 3 or 4 tries, but fuck it. No pain, no gain.

Also, bonus kitchen cred for making pizza with chicken for a crust.

Preheat your oven to 180°C/275°F

Start with 4 chicken breasts (about 24 oz), cut into large chunks, and process them with 8 oz of grated mozzarella cheese, a teaspoon of italian spices, pepper and garlic salt. You need to run this bitch on high for a few minutes, stopping ocasionally to scrape down the sides, until you get a smotth, emulsified paste.

Now get yourself a 12'' oven proof skillet and coat it generously with olive oil. Dump the chicken mixture in the pan, then smooth it out with a cold wet spoon. Set it on the stove on high, undisturbed, for 5 minutes.

While the crust browns, make the sauce. Mix a can of tomato paste, 2 Tbsps of jarred pesto, a dash of sriracha, salt and pepper in a bowl, then spread it on the chicken crust.

Sprinkle 8 more ounces of chicken on top and some salami, then some parmesan. Now bake for 15 minutes.

And that's fucking it!

Chicken Crust Pizza

Serves 8

4 chicken breasts, cubed

16 oz mozzarella cheese, grated

2 Tbsps grated parmesan cheese

1 tsp italian spices

Garlic salt and pepper

1 small can tomato paste

2 Tbsps pesto

dash of sriracha

10 slices of salami

Olive oil

1. Place the chicken, half the cheese, and the spices in a food processor with some garlic salt and pepper, and beat the shit out of them to make a dough
2. Spread said dough on a 12'' oven-proof skillet coated with olive oil and brown for 5 minutes.
3. Mix all the other shit, except for the salami, and spread on top.
4. Sprinkle with cheese, salami and parmesan. Now bake at 180°C/275°F for 15 minutes.
5. Have a beer, you glorious motherfucker. You deserve it.
6. Profit.

Nutritional info, per serving: 394 cal, 8g carbs, 24g fat, 28g protein, 537mg sodium

Costillas Adobadas (Pork Spareribs in Adobo)

After a 6 week drop (and 10lb gain, fuck) from my keto diet, I decided to resume and redouble efforts in 2013. As usual with keto, this past week I've been pissing like a pregnant mare, and already lost 7lbs worth of excess liquid. Things are looking good. Not that I expect you to actually give a fuck (although words of encouragment are apreciated), this is only the backstory for the creation of these ribs.

I fucking love ribs. I've said it before, they're the best part of all edible animals. I had been rib-deprived for the last 4 months because of dietary restrictions and plain old lazyness. Not anymore. These motherfuckers are awesome. Not your usual, sugar-drenched, sloppy pieces of dead gringo pig, but aggressively refined examples of fine mexican cuisine. And totally carb-free.

This is also not the adobo you may already be familiar with, be it spanish, filipino or mexican. I took most of the usual spices associated with chorizo and tweaked them into a paste that will blow your fucking mind away.

Start with 3 ounces of dried Anaheim peppers. These are closely related to red New Mexico peppers, and are ubiquitous in sonoran cuisine. They are really mild and earthy, with a very subtle wood flavor. Rehydrate them in hot water for 20 mins, then strain.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT

Anaheims and New Mexicos are genetically the same plant, Capsicum frutescens, and were introduced into Anaheim County in the early 1900s by mexican farmer Emilio Ortega. A mexican botanist, Dr. Fabian García, raised slightly hotter cultivars in 1913 for the New Mexican palate. The difference, however, is almost negligible. Anaheims can score up to 2500 SHUs, whereas New Mexicos rarely reach 5000. This is milder than a jalapeño. TL;DR: Don't be a fucking pussy and get some chiles.

END SHELDON MOMENT

Peel 2 medium heads of garlic and place in a food processor with the stemmed peppers (leave the seeds), 1/3 cup sea salt, 1/3 cup whole dried oregano, 2 Tbsps black peppercorns, 2 Tbsps paprika, 2 Tbsps coriander seeds and 1 tsp ground cumin. Pulse to make a paste. This is where most people would add some sort of vinegar. I find it draws too much moisture from the meat when cooking and leaves a rubbery piece of shit behind. It also splatters and burns and just fucks up everything. Please refrain.

Now take 4 lbs of spare ribs and give'em an erotic adobo massage. Cover them with a tea towel and leave them to air out for 6 to 8 hours. Trust me, you'll be fine.

Bake them, loosely covered with foil, in a 220°C/420°F for 90mins, then uncover and bake for an additional 30mins.

Now these are pretty awesome on their own, but to compensate for the lack of acidity in the adobo, I like to make a simple cilantro chimichurri, with 2 bunches of cilantro, 1/2 cup olive oil, 2 Tbsps lime juice and a fistful of bird chiles to finish them off.

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY MAGIC

Costillas Adobadas
(serves 6 fo you.... or one of me)

4 lbs pork spare ribs

Adobo
3 Oz dried Anaheim chiles, rehydrated and drained
2 medium heads of garlic, peeled
1/3 cup coarse sea salt
1/3 cup whole dried oregano
2 Tbsps black peppercorns
2 Tbsps paprika
2 Tbsps coriander seeds
1 tsp ground cumin

Cilantro salsa
2 bunches cilantro, finely chopped
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
3 Tbsps lime juice
fistful of dried bird chiles

1. Pulse all of the adobo ingredients in a food processor to form a paste
2. Sensually rub said paste on ribs
3. Leave them the fuck alone for 6 to 8 hours, covered.
4. Cover with foil and bake for 90 mins, then uncover and bake for 30 mins.
5. Pulse everything else and sprinkle over the ribs
6. Drink copious ammounts of beer and attempt to copulate.