Lasagna Bolognese

I was about to type a blog entry on Central American Tamales when this came along. And I have to admit, with perfect timing. I've come to realize no one ever cooks anything I post here. The main complaint has always been "too specialized for me". WHAT?! Are you fucking kidding me, people? The fact that an unmarried, self-taught, possibly alcoholic food enthusiast with absolutely no special tools can cook these recipes is the perfect evidence of their feasability.

So in order to prove this, Ass-face here was recruited to cook:

Meet my sister's boyfriend: Ass-Face

An cook he did. Not only that, but he survived a relentless barrage of insults on par with Sgt Hartman in "Full Metal Jacket" and didn't so much as blink. I tip my hat to you, Ass-Face.

It's back to basics day (after all, Ass-face IS severly retarded), and we're making a classic Lasagna Bolognese from scratch.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!

The origins of lasagna are lost in time. There are several theories. Some state that it's derived from other ancient greek dishes, like Moussaka or Laganon. Laganon was made by layering thin strips of dough over meat. Others contend that it comes from "lasanon", the latin word for the dish it was cooked in. Yet tomatoes were only available in Europe after Columbus set foot in the Americas, and the earliest written evidence of their culinary use was recorded by Pietro Andrea Mattioli in 1557. Before that, dumbass europeans thought they were poisonous.

So there's no definitive way to cook lasagna, save for whatever your most well-acquainted italian grandma used to make. No transgressions here.

END SHELDON MOMENT

First things first: The Pasta. Precooked shit is not so good. While it can save your ass in a hurry, in tends to dissolve in the sauce. American noodles are not porous enough to hold the sauces properly, so stay away from them. Italian dried pasta, when fresh lasagna is not readily available, is just perfect.

Boil a pot of water, then place your noodles on a flat baking dish and soak them in the boiling water for 20 minutes. Don't boil them like regular pasta, otherwise they'll disintegrate and you'll look like an idiot.

While the pasta soaks, start the meat sauce. Make a mire-poix with a whole onion, 4 celery ribs and a large carrot (not pictured), and let it sweat for a few minutes in some good old olive oil.

Next, add a pound of whatever ground meat you have on hand. In this case, pork. Brown it evenly while pushing the vegetables away and mix it all when the meat is uniformly gray. Add 2 garlic cloves, crushed.

Next, add about 3 Tablespoons of tomato paste and stir until completely absorbed.

Once the meat is impregnated with the tomato paste, add some parmessan cheese, 250 ml of crushed tomatoes, 500ml of beef stock, oregano, salt, pepper and red pepper flakes. Stir to combine and let reduce until most of the liquid evaporates.

Now on to the Bechamel sauce.

SHELDON MOMENT ALERT!

Fuck! This is a first! Two Sheldon moments in the same recipe! You'll hate me, I know. The great Auguste Escoffier took Antonin Careme's list of sauces and came up with the 5 "mother sauces" of french cuisine. Yes, I know, lasagna is italian. Just wait for it. Bechamel sauce is an elaboration on another Tuscan sauce called "salsa colla", imported to French courts by Catherine de Medici in the late 1500s. To this day, it's called "balsamella" in northern italian kitchens.

END SHELDON MOMENT

Bechamel is made by mixing scalded milk with a white roux. Boil 500ml of milk, then immediately turn the heat off. Continue by slowly melting 2 Tbsps of butter in a large sauce pan. Once it bubbles and before it browns, add 2 Tbsps all purpouse flour and whisk furiously over a medium flame to cook away the raw flour taste. Once it starts turning a pale yellow, add 1/2 cup of scalded milk and dissolve whatever lumps may form. Now add the rest of the milk, salt and pepper and stir until creamy. Set aside.

Motherfucker got it right on the first try.

On to the building. Pre-heat your oven to 425°F. Thoroughly butter 2 aluminum loaf pans. Now laddle some tomato sauce on the bottom to prevent sticking. Layer some pasta, then some meat sauce, then some chopped basil leaves, then some shredded mozzarella cheese and then some bechamel. Repeat in this same order until reaching the top of the loaf pans (3x), then finish with pasta, bechamel and an assload of cheese.

Place on a baking tray on the top oven rack for 20 minutes and wait at least 15 minutes to slice and serve.

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Lasagna Bolognese
Serves 6

1 box italian lasagna noodles
Butter
Shredded mozzarella cheese
Parmessan cheese

Meat Sauce:
1 large onion, chopped
4 celery ribs, chopped
2 small carrots, chopped
1 lb ground animal (pork, beef, veal, whatever)
2 garlic cloves, crushed.
3 Tbsps tomato paste
1 8Oz container of crushed tomatoes
16 Oz beef stock
Oregano, basil, salt, pepper and parmessan cheese to taste
Olive oil

Bechamel Sauce:
2 Tbsps butter
2 Tbsps flour
16 Oz milk, scalded
Salt and pepper to taste

1. Preheat oven to 425°F, butter 2 aluminum loaf pans. Set aside.
2. Soak your noodles in boiling water until softened but not cooked through, then dain and cover.
3. Sauté the onion, carrot and celery in olive oil until translucent, then add the meat and brown evenly. Add the tomato paste and stir for 2 minutes, then add the rest of the ingredients and reduce until thick. Reserve.
4. Melt 2 Tbsps butter over a medium flame, then add 2 Tbsps flour and cook lightly. SLowly add the milk until combined and thickened.
5. Spoon some tomato sauce on the bottom of the loaf pans, then layer pasta, meat sauce, basil leaves, cheese and bechamel. Repeat 3 times and finish with pasta.
6. Top with the remaining bechamel and more cheese, then bake for 20 minutes.
7. Be fucking awesome

Roast Venison with Balsamic Reduction Glaze

If you've never eaten venison, I pity you. Seriously, I do. Any excuse for not eating it sucks ass. You may live in a place where it's unobtainable. You may be too poor to actually afford it. You may be too much of a pussy to hunt one. Or you can be one of those ridiculous motherfuckers that won't eat venison because deer "are cute and smart". If the later is the case, are you fucking kidding me? Pigs are ranked right above dogs in terms of animal intelligence, and I can bet my left nut you love bacon.

Granted, there's a risk of Chronic Wasting Disease, a spongiform encephalopathy akin to Mad Cow Disease, but the disease's incidence and prevalence are so low, the risk is practically negligible.

So get your Disney-watching ass over here and let's cook some fucking Bambi!

This is the hind quarter of a young deer of unknown species. There are essentially 2 species bred for hunting in Sonora: Mule (Odocoileus hemionus) and White-tail (Odocoileus virginianus). White tail deer is severly endangered down here, so this is most likely, Mule-deer.

Trimming the meat yields 3 4lb denver roasts and 3 lbs of assorted chunks, fit for a stew. We'll take 2 Denver roasts, split them lenghtwise down the middle and reserve.

Deer butt cheeks

One of the main complaints of anti-cervidovores is the intense game flavor of the meat. This can be due to a number of factors, including the animal's age, diet, method of slaughter and whether or not you're a punk-ass pussy motherfucker that can't take serious meat. Personally, I fucking love the taste of fresh venison, but for the sake of world peace, we're marinating these babies.

So take 1 cup of Merlot, 1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar, 1/3 cup light soy sauce, 1/3 cup of dark soy sauce, 3 garlic cloves, 2 Tbsps of mixed peppercorns and a sprig of fresh rosemary and blend them together. Now place the venison in nature's perfect marinating device (ziploc bags) and divide the marinade accordingly. Leave in the fridge overnight.

Now let's make the glaze: Place 3 cups of Merlot in a saucepan, along with 2 cups balsamic vinegar, 1 cup light soy sauce, 1/3 cup honey and a sprig of fresh rosemary and gently simmer until reduced by 1/3. This will ensure most of the alcohol has evaporated. Once it starts to thicken, add 3 Tbsps dark soy sauce. We don't add this before because it has some starch that may thicken the glaze before the alcohol evaporates. Finally, dissolve 3 Tbsps cornstarch in 3 Tbsps cold water, take the pot off the fire and stir the slurry in. Keep refrigerated until it's time to use.

Now the next day, start your coals and let them burn down to white hot. Once they're thoroughly lit, sprinkle some ashes on your coals to ensure even heat distribution.

While your coals light up, make some roast potatoes. These were nuked for a few minutes to par-boil, then tossed in olive oil, a little lemon juice, salt, pepper, lots of parmessan cheese and some rosemary. Finally we baked them for 20 minutes to brown. If you need more detailed instructions to make something as mundane as roast potatoes, you're in deep shit, dude. You shouldn't be left alone in the kitchen.

Place your roasts over the white-hot coals for 5 minutes per side to sear. Do not move them around in this first stage or you'll fuck up the grill marks and no crust will develop. Once the meat is seared all over, move to indirect heat and cook for another 15 to 20 minutes, or until an instant-read thermometer reads 165°F in the thickest part. Slice on a bias against the grain.

Yes, the meat will be a little below medium, but it's so lean, it takes nothing to over-cook it and having Bambi die for nothing.

Now build the dish: Squeeze some glaze in the bottom of the plate, then paint with a spoon. Fan out some venison slices, then a few potato wedges. That's fucking it.

I'm no chef or food stylist, but this looks fucking great, IMHO.

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Roast Venison with Balsamic Reduction Glaze
Serves 10-12

2 4lb Denver roasts of venison, psplit lenghtwise

Marinade
1 cup of Merlot
1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup light soy sauce
1/3 cup of dark soy sauce
3 garlic cloves
2 Tbsps of mixed peppercorns
1 sprig fresh rosemary

Glaze
3 cups Merlot
2 cups balsamic vinegar
1 cup light soy sauce
1/3 cup honey
1 sprig of fresh rosemary
3 Tbsps dark soy sauce.
3 Tbsps cornstarch + 3 Tbsps cold water

1. Mix all the marinade ingredients and place in a ziploc bag along with the meat. Marinate for 8 -12 hours.
2. Mix the first 5 glaze ingredients in a saucepan and reduce by 1/3, then take off the fire and add the remaining 2. Reserve.
3. Grill the meat 3 to 5 mins per side over white-hot coals, then move to indirect heat for 15 minutes, or until an instant-read thermometer reads 165°F.
4. Slice, serve, kick ass, blow minds. Get laid like Tiger Woods.

EAT ALL THE ANIMALS!!!